Take Me Back To The Start

I can't believe I have not written anything in this year. This is the first, I guess.

Well, like the title suggests, I feel like I am back to the start. It is like my life has come to a full circle and fate had just decided that it is finally time to correct the wrongs. I still continue to refuse doing anything that is productive and beneficial for my existence. What am I doing? Again with that question.

I'll just cross my fingers and hope that things turn out differently this time. Now, what to do for a different outcome?

Gotcha!

Cause there is no Target in this place.

There's this certain pencil case I've been wanting to have eversince I started watching School Supplies Haul videos over at Youtube. The local bookstores didn't carry such design but I found one a while ago. I just have to have it even if I'm done with school. But I still have pens and pencils anyway.

It's in teal? Blue green, I don't know. I'm not so familiar with the color chart.

But yey! I finally have one :)

So.. that's my face.
AND MY PENCIL CASE!!!

I'm such a child. :)

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

There are just dreams the never work out and you have to bury them to make room for a new one. 

Here's to the unknown, to the next step, to a new beginning. 

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

Pain. I was swimming in pain for the past two days. Tears come out of nowhere. Sleeping is all I do thinking that maybe if I try to sleep again, I'll be successful in not waking up. Maybe if I close my eyes one more time, I won't see the sun.

My rage for things has subsided. I'm not calm but I am closer.

It's outrageous.

It's chaos in my head, no order. I can't think straight and I don't even know what my next moves and counter moves would be. But here's one thing that I think: It's time to chase dreams.

Time to let go of the things that make me miserable from the very beginning. It's time to listen to the voices in my head. It's time to let them out as they scream above a whisper. It's time. It's time.

One step forward.

Two steps backward.

Decisions. Decisions.

/ayeenatienza

Doubt & Inadequacy

It's creeping in. It is slowly creeping in -- the doubt. The self-doubt whether I would make it. Would I? It's been almost two months since review started and I have failed miserable on exams. I failed to catch up on reading homeworks, I failed to continuously solve problems in Take Home Exams. I failed and it scares me.

Will I make it?

It's less than a week before GEAS and EST crash down on me and load me up with more information. I felt like I wasn't serious enough. I started doubting with my inadequacy.

I am lacking.

Aside from the fact that I can't keep myself from getting online and get myself lost on trivial matters, I can't get myself to study because I feel like I don't understand a thing.

Why am I undergoing these things again?

Oh, it's because I have a dream.

And what was I sacrificing for it?

So far, none.

And it sucks... BIG TIME.

The stress that is graduation. :))

Usually people look forward to graduation but I, on the other hand, just want to get over with it. It's taking so much time.

Well it takes so much time because my school is lame. It doesn't conduct it's own pictorial and they don't fix the schedule so we might as well just go and find another place. I am still thinking on what to do with my creative shot or should I still do it? I have this clearance to fix and recollection to attend do. Maybe I'm just being a whiny bitch because I wanted to dedicate every available time for studying.

I feel very frustrated because I am not making it on Periodic Evaluation Examinations. This is probably due to the fact that I do not dedicate 100% of me to studying. Like now, I am on Facebook.. and here. But I'm on FB only because I have this pictorial thing I have to arrange. And it falls on a Friday.

Anyway. I just wanted to get this over with.

Oh, I still need to shop for a dress, shoes, accessories, hair products, make-up for grad. I'm doing my own make-up and hair cause the salon people have this tendency of overdoing things. When I graduated in highschool I looked like something I can't even describe. My face was so brown and it felt like I was wearing n layers of make-up. It didn't feel good.

So this graduation, I am doing my own make-up using my knowledge I've acquired through FB. I'm still thinking if I'd go thru with all the contouring.

So there. Time for Trig and Geometry.

Visionboard!

I already forgot that I searched for these things so I can make a vision board. It's been almost a year and I just finished making one. Well, electronically. :)) Hope all of these things happen. Hahaha!

School Supply Haul For This Term.

Well, this is just actually the first batch of things I've bought for this term. I'm still looking forward to buying a whole lot more. Anyway, I love watching hauls at Youtube. I love watching organizing stuffs,too. I find solitude in watching. So here's my cheap share of jealousy. :)

Ranting before midnight.

I am depressed again. I think. And I have this thing of being self-destructive when I'm depressed. I can't even pull myself together. Where do I go from here?

I feel bad right now. Like nothing makes sense. How do I even pull all of these together?

Down this pit

I am not well.
I feel bad.
I'm pissed.

It's such a shame that I have no one to tell those words.

What a life I live.

It's Friday, It's Friday.

I'm sitting on the same chair. Or not. I'm in front of the same monitor, probably typing on the same keyboard and clicking on the same mouse. I am here, pretending to be knowledgeable of things when in reality, I don't have a single clue on what I'm supposed to do. Thank god the deadline has been moved. I am alone when I'm supposed to be joined by two other brains, but no, I am alone and I cannot draw a single idea from my head. Anyway, we are closer to the end. Finals are fast approaching that I barely felt it passing. I mean, look, we are past half of August and three more weeks til the finals.

The saying that time does fly seems to be an understatement already. It's starting to be faster than speed of light.

So what should I put in this progress report? I've researched stuff but everything that I had known from this course is mixed up in my head. Hell, I even dream about it. Soooo...

It's just another Friday here on this chair.

Zero Crossing

I am back on writing my frustrations here. Anyway, unlike the other laboratory experiments, I am writing this before my codes has  been checked. I'd like to believe that there is hope, even just a spark of light at the end of the tunnel. I can do this! Trusting so much in the Lord. See how this makes me so faithful? Hahaha! I just need to know how many times this signal crosses zero.

laaaaaaaaaaaa.

PAPEMELROTI LOVE.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been in this store. It is just lovely in there like I can be in there whole day just looking around the papers. I know that this room is already full of papers but I just couldn’t resist Papemelroti’s brilliant designs.

 I bought these three note pads. The one on the leftmost is a full pad, I think it has more pages while the other two is only considered as half pad. There are so many good designs. I honestly wanted to buy them all but I know I wouldn't use all of them so I just decided to settle with three. They a

Php 16.00

This is the first one I've picked. I picked it because it's witty... well, in my opinion. It's not your typical writing pad because it has words as its design. So here are the stuff written.

Today: I am a (only choose one)
( ) wilted rose
( ) speeding freight train
( ) fluffy cloud
( ) bubbling brook

*then your space for writing*

At the bottom,
explain why
.................................................

 

Php 14.00

This is the second one I've picked. I got it because it's very positive. I mean if I were feeling down and I needed some inspiration, I can look at this and it could give me a little hope. Written at the top are the words,

Look at the  bright side.

I can write my school projects in here. Especially the ones I'm not really good at.

 

Php 14.00

Thank god, I saw this! I think this is very appropriate for me because I really like writing. Not writing in a sense of poetry or story, nothing fabulous. I just gather words I see and turn them in this doodle that people are always weirded out. Hahaha! Anyway, I've got a lot of feelings and some of them can be written here. :))

I wish I can visit this store again! I just love it.

First things first, I'm going to start writing down something.

/ayeenatienza

Different but No Difference

It's a different term. It's a different day. BUT the time is the same. The pace is the same. It's the same frustration. Programming again. I didn't get it again. I can't quite figure it out again. Stayed out last night trying to see if I can actually go around the algorithm, but I wasn't able to. Aside from my brain could not think any further, I just don't think that I can.

Well, anyway, here goes my professor explaining the algorithm.
I wonder what goes around inside 'fft'.

/ayeenatienza

How the Summer Heat Burned my Pocket

It’s summer! And it’s pretty much obvious here in the Philippines because of the tremendous heat. Better load up on water if you don’t want to dehydrate yourself.
Since summer is here, it’s time for short clothes. I am pretty much reinventing myself, trying stuffs I’ve never tried.
So I bought myself board shorts! I love these things. Really. I think it would come really good this summer.
I am very much a loiter in this mall near our office. I go there everyday. I was at SM Hypermarket last Monday and I was able to see these cute boardshorts for the price of 150Php each! It’s 50 pesos cheaper than the ones in Surplus Shop. They just took my heart away. I can even see them in my sleep. So, the next day, using my Sodexo, I decided to buy a couple of boardshorts and buy a pair of shoes.
Plans were suddenly messed up because my friend kept throwing me all these cute designs and I can literally cry there. It’s so hard to be poor. :(
Anyway, I ended up buying these. :)

Product Test: Eskinol

Since I am pretty much frustrated with all these pimple marks,I've been trying several products lately. I do believe that Pond's is not doing the job anymore. Anyway. I bought these. These are local products from the Philippines. I used to think that they are really strong for the skin and because of it's cheap price, I've come to believe that they are ineffective. But I guess they are really not. 

 ESKINOL Pimple Fighting Facial Scrub and Eskinol Spot-less White Facial Deep Cleanser.

The sachet is just for P5.00. At first I really thought it was effective. I think I used it for a week but then a pimple started showing up. I know it's kind of shallow of me to judge the product based on that pimple showing. It's not that bad though. It was able to dry up my pimple that was on my nose last week.

I keep reading stuff about Calamansi and I think this product is a bit effective. It was able to let the pimple marks on my face fade. Or maybe it's just in my head. But I do like this product, I really felt like my face is clean after using this. I do apply this on my elbows,too. I can't quite put my full two cents in since I just started using the product but I'll eventually get good results. I'd still buy this next time.

WEDNESDAY AGAIN.

Let me take this little time from my Laboratory Experiment 8 to pour my thoughts out.

Well, there's nothing inside my head so there practically nothing that can come out of it. No algorithms for this experiment. No codes. I don't even know how to do it considering on how late I was last lecture meeting.

He said this is going to be easy. Well, anything's easy for someone who has a doctorate or this massive knowledge in Matlab.

I just wish my brains can squeeze something out because I'd like to believe that there is still something in here. I just need to push myself  to do this. I can do this.

So there. That's like a couple of minutes typing rather than just staring at the monitor. My classmates probably think that I have been typing loads of codes when really, they are just thoughts.

Til the next laboratory failure.

/ayeenatienza

No designated title :)

3PM -- In the library

"It stings a little for me,too."

Well, I'm not sure if that was the exact line in Awkward. The thought is. This is what came into my mind first.

I can't even count the times I've convinced myself that I am so over it.
So over it.

But I'm not.  I am so not.

There is still this pang of jealousy and betrayal all in one. Stroke right through my heart... or my hypothalamus. It just hit me straight again. After all these years.

It felt like it's still the same kind of pain. The kind of pain that didn't change throughout the years.

The kind of pain that made me a fool thinking that I have this chance on you. When obviously, I don't.

I fucking don't.

#SoMuchForBeingANetizen

SLAP YO FACE.

I don't know if my cheek can still handle all the slapping reality does to me lately.
Where on Earth is my life going? Nowhere. Nowhere in particular.

It's been a lazy week. (Past three days to be certain.). There was nothing productive in my life. AT ALL.

Sometimes I feel the guilt but most of the time I just accept that this is my destiny. It's my destiny to swim in the ocean of mediocrity.

Yes.

I feel like I've been struggling against th tides for a long time that I am very much willing to taken away by the current now. Let's go with the tides.

See. I really don't know what I'm saying right now. Part of my brain is still asleep and still picturing myself deep in slumber on my cozy bed. This is the only site that is not banned by this computer so I am very much ranting in here.

So, what I really wanted to tell you is that I didn't get today's experiment again. I was able to get the values BUT my stupidity got in the way and when my work is about to be checked.... it had an error. (Yes, programming is what I'm describing) So, I'm not quite sure if I had a grade or not. Either way, I don't feel bad.

Because a part of me is thinking that I've done the best I can.

Not.

I'm numb by too much slapping.

#WednesdayTroubles

Essentials :)

For some weird reason, I just decided to post this one. Hahaha! So much for blogging. These are the things I bring to school everyday. They are my essentials since school is far from home. And this is me being a girl :)

1.COMPACT MIRROR—Jin’s gift for me some Christmas ago. It comes in handy when I have to check if I have anything on my lips right after I eat.

2.SAFETY PINS – Because you’ll never know when your zipper or buttons will betray you.

3.HAIR CLIPS – I have this constant battle with my hair… specially my bangs. So, I just gather my bangs with a clip when I’m not feeling the lugay day.

4.SCRUNCHIE – Again, the constant bad hair days are just pushing me to gather my hair some more. I also use this when I have to study at the library and I don’t need my hair to distract me from time to time.

5.SANITARY NAPKIN – Most of the time, my friends are the ones who get to use this during emergencies.

6.LULLABY  SKIN CARE WIPES – I often use this when I have to eat inside the FX and I don’t want to get my hands all dirty after. I get to use this too when I have to clean my shoes.

7.JOY POP-UP TISSUE – Because I’m a girl.

8.SAFEGUARD PURE WHITE BODY WASH – I usually have to deal with lead when I need to solder circuits. I need to wash my hands from time to time since I usually eat after school. I love this because it reminds me on how badly I want to take a shower right at any moment. It’s about its scent.

9.JOHNSON’S BABY POWDER – I sometimes have an oily face. No, actually I just got jealous of a friend who uses loose powder for her face. This type suits me better because it doesn’t come too white for my face.

10.LEWIS & PEARL  SWEET PARIS – I just wear cologne in school because I’m partly cheap. I got this scent right after I saw Jasmine Curtis’ advertisement on television. Yes, advertisements are that powerful.

11.NIVEA FRUITY SHINE (STRAWBERRY) – I have been loyal to this product for years! Out of the lip balms I have tried, I think nothing have compared to the service Nivea gives me. It gives the right amount of shine for long hours. It doesn’t sit awkwardly on my lips, too. It gives a hint of red not too dark for a sunny day.

12. SANSAN GLOSSY LIPS – A gift from my aunt. I like the shade because it’s light and not too dark. It smells like car-freshener. I like this because it doesn’t give so much gloss. At least not the one that looks awkward on my lips.

13.HAIR CLAMP – When I’m too lazy to even check myself out on the mirror, I just gather my hair with this.

14.SANSAN HYDRATING COLOR DEW – It’s a lipstick. I swipe it on my lips when I feel like a girl. Mostly when I’m in a good mood. It just gives the right amount of pink for the day.

15.BANDAID ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL – I use alcohol before and after I eat. I had this habit when there was a case of H1N1 at DLSU.