IT'S AMAZING.

Last year, I was just listing in this very site, the things that I wanted. Material things. I remembered putting iPod and laptop and I thought it would be really like shooting for the moon to get those things.
That's why I couldn't just believe on how blessed I was when a friend of mine gave me iPod nano for Christmas + My birthday. Music has been a great part of my life. I may have been frustratingly learning the piano during my younger years and it may have failed but still, Music has been able to make my heart pump and has been keeping me alive until now. I can't believe that I have a player that's 8G! I know it is still small considering the amount of music that's out there. I've opened myself to electronic and pop and even country music! I am so thankful that I'm able to have an iPod and I named her Merry. She's purple and I don't have the budget yet to protect her but hopefully I do get to have her protected cause the scratches seem inevitable.

Then there's my laptop. I haven't touched it yet because my brother is in full charge of having the operating system installed and everything else that is needed to be installed such as iTunes and Adobe Photoshop. I'll be installing the programs I do need for school afterwards such as Visio and Flash. I can't believe I was able to get one. I really am thankful for my Father who has always saved me. It is true that when you ask, you shall receive. It's such a shame that there are times that I forget to pray to him but I really am grateful for all of the things that He has given, good or bad. It has been able to put me to where I am now and I hope I'm closer to a better place.

Another bad thing, I wasn't able to say my gratitude to my aunts who never left our side. They were the ones who funded my laptop! Yay! It's because I'm the ever lazy kid that I forget to thank them, I will, tonight. Before I review for my exam tomorrow.

and speaking of that one, I'm totally screwed.

All I can imagine is having my fingers laid on my laptop and type and type and type. Or maybe I should get my playlist first.

And one thing I learned this morning is that, prayer does work. So go ahead and pray.

That's all :)

BLOOD TYPE : TRAGIC.

Last night, I was crying over a spilled milk. Tears should not have fallen for some stupid thought in my had. I couldn't help it. I was just desperate to move on. I kept telling myself this last night, My head is already there but I just feel like something keeps me glued in that place.

Moments ago, I turned my head around as I meet his eyes. Along with the excitement in my eyes is a bump of realization in my head. It wasn't me he's looking at. I've said this before, I think I have a gift at seeing people. Who they really are and what they really meant. It's not perfect at times cause what I thought was the opposite.

I have this great feeling that this time I'm right. That gaze wasn't for me. It's someone from the same circle. And that's what hurts me.

Fine, it's okay not to like me as long as you don't like someone within my circle.

Because that will become the nth slap in the face.

Year of The Tiger

2009 is officially my worst year. Too much drama in my head and my heart nearly didn't make it from the heaviness brought into it. I know I'm not the only one who had a terrible year. Others may have far worse than from what I had.

This 2010, I want to make it. I'll finally align my dreams and start prioritizing things. I am glad that I was able to attend this Advent Recollection here in our parish last Dec. 5. No regrets. I may have lost things in the year of the Ox but I feel that I'm going to receive things after that horrible storm.

The first thing that I want to do is to have God in the center of my life. I'm done bargaining and begging him to give me the things that I want for my life so I decided to just let go. I just told him that whatever he had planned for me, I'm willingly going to follow.
Speaking of letting go, Ive finally accepted the things I cannot do. I'm far from being superwoman anyway and got my life way off the tracks. So this year, I'll focus on one thing that I should've focused a long time ago. I'm finally letting go of things that I now know, may not be for me.

I'll move away from toxicity. Who wants to live in a world full of hate?
I read this book which has the quote : "Hate can't drive out hate only love can do that." I'll do my best to stay positive this year though I know I'll go through something that is really crucial. I'll read more books about self confidence and inspiration and find people who could give me that.

I'll share my life through writing. Times may have confused me to where I'm supposed to be but with what had happened, I think, I finally know what I want in life and I'm going to pursue it for real as long as it doesn't go against God's Laws.

I know it's hard to don something that is right because temptation would always be posing way better but follow your heart because it always know what is good. These are just some things I have learned during the tough year and I'm applying it to the incoming year.

I'll blog more.

HANGING BY A THREAD.

What does it mean when you roll over your bed only to discover that you're missing your rosary that is usually just right beside you?
I find it scary, actually. I won't lie.

I woke up one morning realizing that I can't continue my future plans anymore for a reason that future itself is quite a blur. I didn't know what to think. I just discovered that I'm heading for a dead end. Several thought entered the door to my head. Not making a single sound but its weight is taking a toll on me.

The first thing that I have thought of is to give up. To finally let it go and move on. Another thing is to fight, to change. I once read that every minute can turn things around.

I guess my life didn't depend on minutes.

At the end of the line, no matter what I choose, it will still sound pathetic. Fighting in the end? Not really a good way to be a heroine. Let go? Pathetic again, you're already there, why bother stopping when you've reached too far.

Drowning in the sea of thoughts was the only feeling I had. Two choices again, to swim or to sink in.

It's easy to sink in and not know what lies ahead and it's hard to swim and what you may be dealing with in the shore may be a lot harder.

I've been breathing lifeless air for a long time now and I don't think I've learned what Life is. Too young? No, never use your age as an excuse.

I guess my sphere of interests only revolves around myself. Cause someone has to care for me, Im willing to do it for myself.

So as the vision fades away, there is only one thing I'm going to do as I walk to the end.

I'll try to really care for myself this time.

Bring back the pride, the motivation and dedication.

And on the process I still hope to touch a life. Is it even possible? To touch a life without love?

:)ayeenatienza

MOVING IN CIRCLES.

I'm sitting in a stool as I stare on the empty plate in front of me. Im trying to think of something to scribble but there was only one thing in my head and there is no way I'm going to write that without offending someone. Afterall, it might just be the influence of paranoia in the first place.

So I tried to ignore every bell that goes off in this head. Fighting the thoughts that I'm the one being talked about.

I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean to. If ever I'm the one you're trying to pinpoint.

The ink on the paper posted in my planner said I had a lot of thinks to do but I'd rather do all these networks first, It's here that I find freedom.

I came to this page where I thought on how cruel the world is. How it's size can be a friend or a foe. The world is small. It might be an advantage but sometimes it isn't.
The smell of misery still lingers on the same circle. We're all moving in one without our knowledge.

The sad part is, I'm always the sole loser.

and I hate it.

TRYING TO PAINT THE PICTURE

The only that was wrong with me is that I always felt that I don't have any rights at all.

THE STORM STARTS HERE.

I've been writing lyrics for a while now and it's becoming a good habit. good? Anyway, I've been telling my lovely friends that I would learn the piano, guitar and vocals in three days. hahaha! HOPEFUL. I would probably end up cleaning the whole house because Ydette is such an inspiration.

Here's a couple of lines from the song I'm trying to make.
SAD SONG

do you remember
when i used to put you to sleep
you'll think about her
and you'll tell me something deep

i know
you're out of misery
that doesn't mean
you could criticize me
with bliss, you try to sing along
but i'll always be your little sad song

anna! go do some music while I open youtube with how to play the piano chords and how to play the guitar! i'll get my guitar that's with my neighbor!

and shoutout to anyone who does music.
bow to you.

i'm sad.
stors just starts here.

hope i survive.

:|ayeenatienza

SINCE I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN THE LONGES TIME.

Before this bliss gets rubbed off by some familiar misery, I would just write something under the clouds.

Hm. I honestly feel I haven't blogged in ages for some reason I don't know. Maybe because I've been pouring out the anger, happiness, regret, misery and all other emotions on making a song. And just to let you know I've made three songs already-- no tune yet so maybe it's not yet a song. and and and. i got myself a SONG JOURNAL! how amazing is that?

Speaking of songs. I've been listening to some VersaEmerge songs lately and I'm totally in love with Moments Between Sleep and The Authors. There's something about Ciara's voice that is different and I like it. Makes me want to be more of a vocalist on some band that's going to be popular over at youtube. Oh well, I'm dreaming on! I'm a singer in the first place. haha! And I'm memorizing Broken wings by heart. From what I;ve heard it's from Flyleaf's 2000 EP, meaning the song will be 10 years in a year. hu-wow! what about that? But I've listened to the song last 2007 over at my friend's new phone--back then. And I was like.. Is this Flyleaf? It's totally Lacey's voice.

And still speaking of songs. I just heard Paramore's single from the upcoming album, BRAND NEW EYES,Brick by Boring Brick. Awesome. I already told my friend about this-- There's just something about this song that makes me feel different. Specially on the bridge part! And its chorus is LSS material. "So go get a shovel and we'll dig a deep hole to bury the castle. bury the castle." I honestly don't know what it means but hey, it's good. I really can't wait for this album thought Ignorance was a bit harsh and I found it hard to rock and head bang with the lyrics. Hey, don't blame me.. I'm really a lyrics person. Spells deep, man. Deep! hahaha!

I'm up for reading another Kinsella novel. Remember Me. My friend is asking me to read it before the movie goes out. Robert Pattinson will be there and I don't exactly know what to feel. I don't like him! I mean I adore him as Cedric and okay as Edward at first and then she started going out to every co-star which I should absolutely have no business about but it's just so--- weird and flirty and. okay I'll stop now. So I really hope that I could read it this term break thought I know I'd probably be sticking my face on the monitor and hug the keyboard! YAY!

And I've got tons of stories in my head but I'm secretly publishing two. haha! you won't find that. I swear. :D


I'm about to say something else but I totally forgot. darn.
oh yes. not worth talking about it online. maybe i should preserve all the crappy personal stuff for my diary. It's not even halfway full even if it's the ninth month already. wow. now i just realized that.

Oh well!! cheers to home alone! I'm along tonight everyone's out doing some happy things with their lives and I'm here in front of the computer for the third time in this day!! Chatting with my highschool buddies whom I haven't seen in ages.

I'll see you tom!
WE'LL TALK ABOUT BOYS! hahaha!

"It's amazingly strange how we all seem to change"

:)ayeenatienza

I'M OBSESSED!

FINE! but i just couldn't help but to know their story. I know it's really none of my business and I shall respect their privacy or something but I don't go stalking them anyway or something. But--I just couldn't help myself.

So here are some of the pictures I found over at a site my good friend, Trisha Zayco, introduced me to. God, it's so addictive and some things are mean!

BTW, Josh and Hayley admitted they dated until fall of 2007.
AWESOMENESS!



MAN. awwww! :)

THIS. I WANT . I WANT. I sighed as soon as I saw this picture! :D hahaha! I LOVE THEM! they make good music together.



AND THIS MADE MY HEART BEAT EVEN MORE. Emo much. hahaha! God, they really have been in love. It's really precious to see two people who are really on love. I don't care if it's young love or anything. I still love the both of them!

THIS SO JUST SO FUNNY! The picture is a date to Melting Pot and Hayley brought Chad there! hahaha! I love this. :D


Awwww...



and there's more coming up! hahaha!

I apologize for anyone who will get irritated or pissed off or anything negative. :D

Source: Parasecrets.

:)ayeenatienza

heart breaking...

"Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision
Well maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me
You say that I been changing, that I'm not just simply aging"



"If God's the game you're playing, then we must get more acquainted,
It must be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but one I firmly believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you. "

--it's hurtful dear. he's too good to keep your words alive.the perspective is fresh but i don't know if i'm going to love it. but if every sad song is about him i'll risk the hearing and breaking. so what i read might be true. your brand new eyes might be about loving someong and hating him...

:'( Goodnight.

AW!

"When you finally decide it's worth the pain.
I'm here. I never went anywhere
Growing older, I never thought that I
Would look back and not regret a thing "

--that is totally saaaddd! I'll just hug you if you're close. Seven Years in The Making. I'll wait til i hear it.

IGNORANCE

i have been reading too much fanfictions lately and i have read a part and realized at the same time that..

BRAND NEW EYES

may be about

loving chad

and

hating JOSH.


:| that would totally break me. :)

BUZZZZing over at Buzznet. :D

WHY IT JUST DOESNT FIT.

Aw. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of seeing two people so perfect for each other but not ending up together. You know what I mean. It's not really the "end" yet but it just sucks that they're not together. It's just like a puzzle fits so right but the picture doesn't really fit. No, scratch that. The picture is perfect too. Ugh. I hate it. He obviously care. I mean come on. And I don't know what happened to her.

I wish perfect picture puzzles were just easy to maintain. And I hate how the eyes can say so much of ones inner thoughts.... or feelings.

It's like Justin and Britney, Bea and John Lloyd, Ella and Wu Zun or Josh and Hayley.

It just makes sense and yet it doesn't.

:| oh. ayeenatienza

My Heart...

damn. i just finished watching some of the final riot performances. PARAMORE rocked my night and i promised that i would just check my damn mails but i end up watching because twitter is dowwnnn!! and i wouldn't be able to express on how much i have fallen for Josh Farro! I heart you! hahaha!! I'm just drawn to him! Really! hahaha! I love their sincerity in music. I feel it here with my earphones! darrrnnn!

So anyway. I have set up standards for new crushes and likes!! Josh's fault. I want someone who has sense of humor but not the one that everyone likes.. i don't want them to be OVERLYFRIENDLY! hate that. hahaha! Specially when they treat you really sweet and then expect nothing from you! THAT'S TOTAL CRAP!! don't make any connection if you don't want to!! you're just wasting someone else's affection!! but i don't want them to be snob either.

I want a musician who can write songs. Words may be flowery but i want those that touch my soul. ugh. i wanna know how he feels.. through writing. i was browsing through some blogs a while ago and i have read something about being apart from the girl. god, i felt his pain! specially that line where he said "Since when did loving me become such a fucking chore? I never looked at it that way, but she thinks that she has to work to keep my love with only her." damn. it hit me.

so all that i am trying to say here is.. I'm totally smitten by Josh! seriously. he's like my newest addiction although my eyes met him years ago in monitor screens and tv screens and earphones and prints and everything else. but it just hit me now.

So twitter.. you suck! I wanna tweet about this: I wish it's your voice that's singing me to sleep. you're my lullaby. and i wanna see you in my dream! i'm obsessed. haha! kidding. i'd prefer addicted!

you made me happy tonight. i might be sad when i wake up.
it scares the hell out of me.


i write to remember.

:)ayeenatienza

Throwing Punches

I have been feeling a bit sad lately. Oh. When did I ever feel so happy? You know what? That's the bad thing about being happy. When you're happy.. you just have to look forward to that bad thing that's just about to happen. Just like what I have heard in the radio... "You can never just be happy." Cause you can't certainly have have everything.. something has to really messed your life up.

So anyway, I don't know if I'm just reading too many books lately or I've been taken away by this stupid story I'm making in my head. I just feel down? I feel like I should have tons of stuff in my hands but I just can't feel anything.

and I just feel so inferior.
and I've never felt this inferior in my whole life.

:( sad.

btw, I'm making a story in my head that I can relate to the song "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift. But the two girls are sister and one is hilarious! as well as the guy. hahaha!

You're so hateful sometimes
Throwing punches at lies
Fall from somewhere above
Just to say you're in love

I KNOW IT HURTS BUT I REALLY HAVE TO.

"You know I love you, I really do
But I can't fight anymore for you


The way you're holding on to me
Makes me feel like I can't breathe
Just let me go, just let me go
It just won't feel right inside
God knows I've tried"
--In Another Life/ The Veronicas

i used to hate them, the people who left us hanging, the people who left us in a time where we needed them the most. but i can't sacrifice this much just for you... I'm sorry, i have to think of myself... for the mean time and when i get myself back to stability... I will come back and I hope that you're doors would still be open cause I'd never stop believing but I've got to stop fighting... for now.

LISTENING SOME SOUND IN MY EAR.

cause i won't run around after you...

OVER.

Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

ALL I DID.

man. all i did for these past two days is to watch these three people in Devil Beside You and Why Why Love. There is even a time when I'm watching both. It's really comic with its own dramatic twists. I prefer Devil Beside You better :D

Both of the guys have chemistry with the girl which makes the choice harder. haha!!

They have two dramas together.

AND I WANT ELLA CHEN AND WU CHUN TO HAVE ANOTHER DRAMA TOO!!!

Ariel Lin and Joe Cheng have three dramas together.

I WON'T BE ASKING FOR HANA KIMI 2.

i just want ella and wu chun together :D

utak naman PO!

okay. ang tawag dito. blog. this is a place where someone is free to express his or her feelings. itong blog na to under my name... ibig sabihin, may karapatan akong magkwento ng kwentong nais kong ikwento.

kasi that's how blog works.

you know what i really hate in a person? well, there's a lot of things i really hate but one of them is when you let people see na pinagkakaisahan ka, inaapi ka well in fact... HINDI NAMAN TALAGA! oh c'mon. lahat naman ng mga taong under sa situation mo nakakaranas ng ganyan!!!! so gusto mo special treatment sayo?

i believe my batch president had been flexible already--true enough as my former governor has said, she has compromised already---more than on what she should have.

and if it is your plan to drive the president,whom our batch had elected, insane... carry on. WE will just be behind her back and as well as the batch that elected her in that position.

and if REVENGE is what you speak... EXCUSE ME LANG! kung tutuusin naman wala naman kaming ginagawa sa inyo. too much of you to speak of revenge when all we've ever asked is

A JUST AND FREE SOCIETY.

This is a blog. this is MY blog. All thoughts that run in my mind---i put it in here. and you're always free to read and react.

As far as i see. There's nothing wrong on what you see as wrong ----JUST AN OPINION.

This is My blog.
This is what i feel.

:)

LOVE OR BREAD.

JOE wrote a letter to ARIEL during her birthday and he said something about working already in three dramas and i was wondering what the third one was. and i found it!

LOVE OR BREAD. A series where Ariel Lin was supposed to be the lead girl role but cannot make it because she had to do another drama so it was given to Barbie but had to back out because of schedule conflicts so the series was given back to Ariel because the drama she's supposed to make had been cancelled. so once again... ARJOE!

wooo! i love them and the series is really different even if i am currently just watching the half of the first episode.

their acting here is really different from the kiss series so it's a must watch because you will really ROLL because of laughter. :D

MORNING RIDE.

as usual it was raining. i went to school to have meeting with the SC's Executive Secretary and her Operations chairperson.
I dragged myself to go there because it was really raining and it was cold.
Since i'm the ever "i-can't-let-you-down" girl, i still pushed for the plan. How lucky was I to be still able to get the front passenger seat even if it was freezing cold.

i had a ride with these bunch of nursing students and they were talking about their lives and other peoples lives. It's really amazing when you're with a company of friends...you totally forget the existence of the world outside your circle.

they were really talking loud because there were five of them and three had to sit in the middle and the other two at the back.

Their chat was a usual girl chat. BOYS and the lives of the PRETTY MEAN GIRLS who get the hot guys!

They said that they didn't like that their duty had to be in Lawton. They said it was far. We were in Baclaran when one of the girls said, "bakit parang ang layo naman ng nilalakbay natin?" it was loud enough for me to hear. i swear. :)

I said to myself, not loudly of course, "hindi naman malayo ah.". But maybe just because i got used to it.

Later on we were already in Vito Cruz and I am just about to get off the FX when one of the girls said.."Ay, malapit na yata tayo...alam ko na to.. alam ko na to.."

No hija, malayo ka pa!! sa ulan na yan at sa traffic. MALAYO ka pa.

so once i was off the vehicle i murmured to myself..

ALAM MO NGA KUNG SAAN KA PUPUNTA PERO ANG MAHIRAP DUN, HINDI MO ALAM KUNG PAANO KA MAKAKARATING DUN.....AT HINDI MO ALAM KUNG KAILAN.

*you know where you're going but the hard thing is, you don't know how to get there....and you don't know when (you will get there.)*

so that was the lesson i have learned this day. crappy but useful somehow.

i kind of relate to it.

SKINWHITE.

i was looking for Pond's new 10-peso product but i couldn't find it so i just decided to try skin white's product since i only have 20 bucks in my wallet and i feel that i need to buy something.

so i tested the product right after i took a shower because of too much heat! and it's good. its promise of non sticky residue is true! it turns to powder too! i bought the light beige. it's a nice base for make up and i hope that i could be whiter in 7 days!!

hmmm. i can't wait. :D

GO FIGHT FOR IT!

i haven't been listening to the radio for the past weeks because i always arrive home either past nine or past ten in the evening so i really don't have time to catch up with the boys over at Magic.

I had the chance to listen to the radio yesterday and I really loved Elliot Yamin's Fight for Love. I love its lyrics! it is so meaningful, just like his so "One Word" which i really loved too.

I'm ecstatic
I feel the magic
It's everlasting
I think that you were meant to be alive on this very night
With me
I see, it clearly
The dream you hear about
and never truly think its realistic till it blows your mind
I never thought i could understand
I was searching me
and now i finally see

[chorus]
I see that some people fight for love
They stick with it
Just can't quit it
Some people hide from love
they run from it, cause they don't want it
When you got a love and its good like it should be
Makes you never wanna give it up
cause you know that some people fight for love
And I believe it's true cause I'd do the same for you

You're the reason, the air I'm breathing
so don't go leaving
cause loving you is the only thing that ever really touched my soul
I'm protective, of my blessings
Glad I kept it
I never really thought about the future till i saw my life
Finding it's purpose
so very worth it
And now I know that love is really worth it


And that's why,Some people fight for love
They stick with it
Just can't quit it
Some people hide from love
They run from it, cause they don't want it
When you got a love and it's good like it should be
Makes you never wanna give it up
Cause you know that some people die for love
And I believe it's true cause I'd do the same for you

It's hard to be, and good to keep
And once you're with it, it's hard to leave
You can't help but run wild with imagination
It'll change you life from wrong or right
And then you'll touch, touch the sky,
And now I don't see how I made it through the night

But I see how there's some people who fight
Some people fight for love
They stick with it
just can't quit it
Some people hide from love
They run from it, cause they don't want it
When you got a love and it's good like it should be
Makes you never wanna give it up
Cause you know that some people die for love
And I believe it's true cause I'd do the same for you

Some people fight for love,
(I don't wanna do it no more)
Some people hide from love,
(It just feels so good)
But when you got a love and it's good like it should be
Makes you never wanna give it up
Cause you know that
Some people fight for love

MARTYR.

CHEN XIN YI.

i have been watching Fated To Love You over at Mysoju.com and i'm quite hooked to it. There's nothing i could say to this girl because she is so kind. She may be weak in the eyes of others but letting go of someone you truly love is really hard.

After entering the wrong room one drunken night at a cruise ship, something happened between Xin Yi and a stranger. That night made their lives change 360.

I admire her character because she's willing to give anything even if it will hurt her. She warns the person when she's about to fall and let go if he chooses to. I cried when her baby died! She's optimistic about things and always think of herself last.

hmmm...
sometimes, you should always leave something for yourself.

*i'm sorry i can't think straight. i'll edit this if i have decided.

WHAT A CRAZY WORLD I LIVE IN.

it's stunning and frustrating on how twist of fate plays you on.

i was there. ready to move on from a relationship that was only close enough to be created. it was frustrating. i wouldn't say it was painful but i did missed him. he totally vanished once he realized that i had no meaning in his life. that she was more important.--i was never close to the word "important" anyway.

i found an arena to channel my thoughts . so there's this place i feel belonged at times and i feel to dumb to be there often. i never knew that i could find another frustration.

there are patterns on how a guy catches my eye...then my heart. it always starts with constant exchange of glances. and i always meet his eyes. the problem is... i think he's taken and i think he's too smart or too perfect to be reached. i just wanted to raise my freaking hand to wave at him and say hello but all i can do was look... at him as if i don't know him. and i think that goes for him too.

it's weird. when you're not waiting for something else to come and once you're ready... nothing comes.

and that's one of the games i don't think i'll ever be prepared of.

GOTTA GET NEXT TO YOU

im envious with this one person i used to criticize. i admire the way she writes. her courage is very different that she can blog about the person she loves without using any codenames but real names!! brave brave girl. and maybe there are some similiraties that she and i have. i didn't fall in love with a bestfriend. or i didn't fall in love with a friend who liked another friend.--i was just quite close to it. the point is. we both like someone who doesn't like us...i like the way she blogs though it pisses me off at times. she's very straightforward and she isn't scared to face the consequences.

there are times when i just want to have this honest conversation with this one person but i can't because im too coward to know the truth. either i'm afraid i'll be hurt or im not ready to face complications.

haaaayyy.
there's this one event that i could call a twist in my life. the problem was... i was too awkward to face it. to act real and try to decode things a little further. i hate it. i hate being unprepared. i came into this battle no one knows and i'm trying to fight something i don't know if it really exists.

you know what they say that music says something a person can't? well, i think i found the song. for the moment.

NEXT TO YOU * JORDIN SPARKS

Two o' clock and I wish that I was sleeping
You're in my head like a song on the radio
All I know is I got to get next to you
Yeah I got to get next to you
Sitting here turning minutes into hours
To find the nerve just to call you on the telephone
'Cause You don't know that I got to get next to you

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you (I got to get next to you)

I asked around and I heard that you were talking
Told my girl that you thought I was out of your league
What a fool, I got to get next to you, whoa
Yeah it's five in the morning and I can't go to sleep
'Cause I wish, yeah I wish that you knew what you mean to me
Baby let's get together and end this mystery, oh

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?
Yeah, yeah, to want to get next to you

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Baby call me crazy
But I know you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I got to get next to you

to the person i dedicate this song. if ever he pass by... i know he won't.
i just want to say i'm sorry. im sorry for being unprepared. for being so stupid on falling for the trap you didn't mean to make. i'm sorry that i chose to say the truth rather than lie. i'm sorry i'm too weak to be comfortable. i'm sorry for misunderstanding and thinking that somehow there's this connection on you too. i'm sorry for crushing on your friend but it's you i really like... and believe me, i really don't know why. i'm sorry for making this public--don't worry no one reads this crap. :D
i'm sorry that i do want to talk to you so much but as soon as i see you smile...i just melt cause it's brighter than sunshine! i'm sorry that i can't look back when you look at me cause it pains me that i chose not to come too close cause i dont trust myself.
i'm sorry i don't have enough patience to tell you on how wonderful you are... and how many would actually want to know you.
i'm sorry that i've driven myself a bit crazy. don't worry it's not because of you.
i think i just drove MYSELF in this path.

and you know i want to talk to you right now but i don't know what i would say.

i hate myself--for being weak.

and i'm sorry that i can't change you even if i really really want to! i want to see you smile stress-free a bit. but i can't. cause i'm weak. im weak of changing myself to change you.

oh. now i've got dramatic as she is.
and i like it.

:|ayeenatienza

SO TWISTED.

isn't it wonderful when you just let everything out to the person involved? i used to be scared and confused on telling. but when the person was there to ask me, i had several thoughts. to lie, laugh it off and pretend it was a joke. but i chose to admit. i was caught off guard anyway. i also thought that if that person would know and if that would snob me after that, it would be alright. it must be God's way of answering some prayers.
but it was weird. the person was a bit relaxed about it--i think. so after several hours i had a realization slash paranoia that maybe he is just being kind. and i don't want to take advantage of that kindness. i feel like that i might have been pushing myself to that person. maybe he needs some space and the person may not be that comfortable about it anymore. so if that's what he wants. im giving it. im giving it...
so here i am again trying to live another day planless.
btw, i woke up last night crying. darn it. i don't freaking know why and all i can remember is this weird feeling of realizing that if a person is going away.... if that person is going away..

oh, i don't even want to think about it.

:|ayeenatienza

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF.

I now have two korean boyfriends! :D

He is So Yi Jung of Boys Before Flowers. Member of the famous group in Shinhwa, the F4. Known as a Casanova. But who could blame him? his charm and smile are just irresistable. Very rich, a sculptor, he has good looks, he's kind and has really smooth moves.

i just don't know if he's a player. but he will surely break your heart when he leaves you. but then again, you'll come chasing after him!!

awwww. i can't get enough of him. his character, the way he walks and the way he smiles. ugh, another weakness.

but he's in highschool and a lot of girls chase him! so what's your chance on getting into his heart?

don't worry. he WILL fall in love with a lower middle class. hmmmmm... but will he break her heart?

portrayed by KIM BUM! very very very handsome!!!! and he was born in 1989. hmmm.

:)ayeenatienza

*boys before flowers is currently airing in korea. :D

LEFT BEHIND

i might be feeling a bit dramatic lately. maybe it started with this dream that might sound weird but i do know that there is some interpretation to it.

the other night, i had a dream. a cat is running after me. i went inside the master's bedroom and locked myself there. i texted my friends to help me. no one's replying. it's so frustrating. i don't know why but the next thing i remembered is the cat bit me not just once but twice! the cat bit me on the ankle. it damn hurts! i texted again my friends for help. no one seems to care. no one's there. so i just sat there in pain. i don't know what hurts more. the bites of the cat or no one was there. it was sad.

it's the same feeling i have at the moment. i feel so alone. i feel like no one's checking on me. i do check on them. but it seems like no one cares.

it's just sad. i'm the farthest away from them.
and honestly, the last time i saw them. i felt like an outcast.


and if i can't bear the pain of being out of the circle..

i might begin not to care.

:(ayeenatienza

why should i care?
you weren't there when i was scared.
I WAS SO ALONE.

emo much? :)

I FOUND MY BOYFRIEND :)

i was just watching a series where my favorite korean actress, kim jung wha, stars. awwww. LOVE LOVE LOVE Sun-Woo!! A rebel, ran away from home but still makes his own money. at age 20!! a music lover. a great pianist! :D and trust me, he would never ever want to see a girl cry. he's shy when he meets your parents and if your mom says his clothes are not good and the color of his hair sucks...trust me he'll change it for you and your mom. By the way, he can paint too!! :)) HAN SUN-WOO! :)) (the character is portrayed by Lee Wan)

but of course.. HE'S TAKEN! .awwww. :))

by the pretty ma young-hee :)

i forgot how much i love..

homepage opened. there's this all american rejects' cover of womanizer. then there's this buy you a drink cover of jesse McCartney. so i searched youtube for his video of 'it's over' and i found episodes of hannah montana and suite life of zac and cody where he's at.

awww. i love him. i prefer his hair blonde rather than his hair now. haha!!
but i love him. there's this episode where he sang 'beautiful soul' i just love him!
london and maddie are FUNNY!

who would have thought?

here i was trying so hard to think of a plot of a story to write. my friend was right,i am surrounded by real drama. and the story i've been trying so hard to do is just there dancing in front of my eyes.

look at him. look at his eyes bouncing from bliss. look at his face. he's so in love. who would have thought that the constant teasing from people around them would actually lead to this certain understanding. what a lovely story to write. just the sight of them together would make their audience smile.with joy. with kilig.

look at the bully. his nonstop pang-aasar. see her patience. her optimism. she's down to earth. she's happy. no wonder she seems so blooming for the past weeks. now i know why.

if i could watch a series, it's their story i'm going to watch. i won't get tired. if it was in DVD, i could rewind it over and over.

such a lovely pair.

there's this another story. the heaven vs the earth. could a man simply break a wall with just a heart? could love really conquer all? of course, we can never tell. but if i were to pen this story. i'd choose the one with the heart and the effort for the girl who has everything.
but it's too complicated that sometimes.. i don't even want to talk about it.

hmmmmm....

:D ayeenatienza

the thing about love

when someone tells "i love you", you don't go running away and ask them to not look for you.

i was watching an excerpt of the latest episode of Gossip Girl. Chuck and Blair are love. and i just realized this.

i think no one says "i love you" and mean it without them knowing that there is a huge chance that the person they're telling love them back too.
i don't know. i think it just goes like that or something.
and i told someone that i could say the words "i love you" as a joke. well, i lied. it's one of the sentences that are hard to tell. for me. :D

do you expect me to believe i was the only one to fall...

if there's any song i want to sing with my off tune voice in his face, it would be avril's "why"

a week ago i was thinking that i might actually have been over this certain person but as i try to solve the freaking problems for my final exams, i found myself thinking about what he said. what he did and what he is doing.

i'm tired of chasing. i think. i got so tired that i honestly want to stop liking him and i was praying so hard that i could be like Jacob in the twilight saga. praying to find another one. another one who would send some sparks in my eyes. but hell, i just can't find anyone else.

i inhaled and exhaled frustratingly thinking about what the hell is his problem messing up in my head and messing up with what i feel.

tiring. i dropped my pencil and pushed away the scratch papers and pulled a yellow paper to make something out of what i feel.

how does it feel to hold a string attached to me?
how easy it is to pull me close when you need me.
it's unbelievable on how you can leave me and still have every piece of me.
it's frustrating to thing on how you can be
to have power of control and to you i have NONE at all
staring at scribbles on a paper i can't equate properly.
just like you and me.

see. even bad feelings have fruits.

:)ayeenatienza

always heard.

everytime i look at her i feel nothing but envy. she seemed so perfect. she has a happy family, a huge barkada, a nice smile, long straight black her, she seemed spoiled, she is good in writing, she has class, she has everything she ever wanted. maybe the climax of it all is seeing her getting her dreams all moved to reality.
i was the envious girl.
i texted up a friend to tell all the sentiments and how i where i am. far from up there. how i could not even get to the dean's list, or how can't i go to the organization party i want to attend. i can't even write with a lot of sense. she then said something that made me realize on how good i was.
she doesn't have nice legs, as yours. she's not sexy. and you can write,too. not just as good as her.

and she was right. i am good. i may not be up there, but i've got a lot down here. if that's how i see it. i have tons of friends,real friends. i may not have the face, but i guess my humor and wit are enough to make others to be drawn into me. i'm trying to make a story. not so good, but i'm happy im able to materialize them.

i never actually believed in myself. i didn't know why. i just always felt like i have to give something more. and maybe just like what my colorgenics said, i'm capable of more things that i think i can.

hmmm. i just hope someone or something could trigger for that to come out.
cause i really can't wait on who i'm going to be.

:)ayeenatienza

realization.

sometimes if you just believe in yourself. even the opinions of the ones you love.

won't matter.

:)

sorrow lasts through this night.

we were there jumping and rolling from laughter. when suddenly, the turn of events had changed that and left us all crying and silent.

the best part of it was that we're all together.
even in sorrow

:)ayeenatienza

I CAN'T F-IN HANDLE THIS

I AM SO SCREWED IF YOU ONLY KNOW!
AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANOTHER DRAMA.
DAMN.
I CAN'T HELP IT ANYMORE.
THIS IS TAKING ALL OF ME!
AND IT'S SUFFOCATING.

IT MAKES ME DIE.
LITTLE BY LITTLE.

100th

ooh, it's my one hundredth entry here! and i don't know what to talk about in here. i'm thinking school,blogging, friends,cousing,or BOYS. haha!

i'm a bit tired.not because of school and not because of doing som much things (if i have done anything) haha!

i'm tired of certain situation that keeps on happening over and over again. no matter how we pray for it to be fixed, it just can't and i really have no idea why. it's been a long time and the damage has been already huge. that at this point in time, i really don't know if we could still fix it, and if ever we were able to fix it, i don't think things will go back to way they were. it's just frustrating. seeing things back then, and seeing it now. they were just different. i felt like moving into a new dimension but i know i can't just leave the other one behind. but it's hurting. and it's not just me.

and i'm wondering if the others are hurting too.
i really hope they were.

anyhow,two days of school have passed. and i was so drenched in the rain on the first day. and only few professors show up! but it's not as tiring as last term's. :)

my one hundredth entry sucks!
damn.

a new day has come...

when frustration strikes at one time. i felt depressed. and i can't even manage to smile.
i say i think. but actually, i wasn't in the mood for talking.
a part of me wanted to go home, a part didn't.

i waited. i waited for someone to make me smile.giddy.and happy.

i stared the endless sight.

and then, there was a glimpse of you.

i smiled.

and the bliss started.

i thank God you came.

emotionally disturbed

so i am in school today. and i feel something going on inside of me.
i received a text from mom which says, "may class ka ba ngayon, pwede ba kitang tawagan?" and as usual, i've read it late. and i started wondering what i did wrong this time. i fear that maybe she has read the latest entry in my diary. or she found out that i didn't make it enough on my last calculus exam. i wondered on and on. i started getting nervous and not wanting to go back home. beucase again, i just kept on wondering.

so i guess that's it.

i don't want to take things granted. but i just give in with the people around me.

it sucks.

:( ayeenatienza

i wish i could see him.

here...

i've been thinking.

i wanted to get rid of someone's thoughts in my head so much that i think..

i think..

i am forcing myself to like someone.

who's going to give the same experience i had with the one i was trying so hard to forget.

how's that?

pathetic huh?

:)ayeenatienza

one morning of frustration

i attended angel's debut last night. but i wasn't tired. probably because i was happy last night. too happy. and i don't know why. :)

so i came to my three- hour class late. fifteen minutes late. but that's not important anyway.

because i can't even solve this ONE ARRAY PROBLEM. none of us could. some has already started but all i can write was main, then print and everything in between. i am so frustrated. i kind of promised myself that i would do better. so i could still stay at la salle for the rest of the years. but this is just a disaster. i don't even know a thing. i've googled a lot of things. and still i got nothing.
this computer wont read my USB where angelica's lecture notes on C++ are. IT SUCKS. :)

so one hour left and i still could not figure out on how to establish this problem.
i don't even know how to start.

sad :(

PS: i just remembered this question in my head back then. it goes something like this.

if you want to change, where do you actually begin?

i've become a JLC and BEA fan. :)

it's like this. i saw the trailer of i love betty la fea in abscbn one night. all the characters were shown except for one -- Armando.
so i searched "i love betty" over the internet, youtube to be exact. instead, i found
"kay tagal kang hinintay" series and i just started watching where bea and john lloyd began. it was so dramatic! the lines were heavy. i love how yuri(JLC) flirts with kat(bea) at first. haha! i love love love love them now! i love them back then, but now i am quite addicted to it.

i want to buy "one more chance" dvd because i did not have the chance to watch it before. and i want close to you dvd too cause i can't remember the story. all i know is,it is about best friends. :) hahaha!! man, i am really addicted. :)

wuzun and ella :)

WARNING: no angela zhang fan allowed. :)

so this is just plainly opinion on the things that i have read at this one forum.

okay. i've read that wu zun will be coming here in the philippines to promote ROMANTIC PRINCESS. it hurts you know. cause i believe that there are more ella and zun fans that angelun. ssoooo.. i hope that abscbn should just let fahrenheit and s.h.e. to come here in the country and if ever zun will be promoting RP here in the country.. i just hope that he will come ALONE! ir with ella.

i've also read that abscbn used hanakimi to promote RP. that just sucks.

i watched romantic princess yesterday because im forcing myself to like any drama kung nasaan si wu zun. but boy.. trailer pa lang hindi ko na natiis and i was just about to shut the damn television. pero siempre.. i still watched and that episode was just unbelievable. KALANDIAN!! haha! especially on the side of the lead actress. because you just don't tell a guy to lend his shoulder then cry like a crybaby!!! darn.

and now it soothes me because im not the only one who feels the same way. i feel at home at CE forums. i love it in there and it really makes me feel good. it erases the irritation in my mood!!

haha. but as the people there say.

LOVE THE DRAMA. NOT THE LOVETEAM.

haha!

wu zun hearts ella chen :)

gosh, they look so good together. sparks is just everywhere. and when zun smiles... his smile is different with ella.

unlike in RP.

i hope there's HANA KIMI 2 because i really want to finish the story!!!

:) ayeenatienza

i don't know what's right anymore.

it's sad.
i used to be hard on my self. back when i was good. i was stable.

i think the reason i am a trainwreck now is that i've loosen myself a bit.

and it sucks.

so i guess i deserve all the punishment.

sad.

i'm pretty pathetic

it's pretty hard to accept some things in life.
i mean, there have been times when i thought i've already move on and i was ready to be all broken again. but when fate just keeps on testing you. it's pathetic to know that somehow i really feel something for that person.

it's pretty pathetic that i still chose to be broken all over again. on how i chose to go thru the same things all over again. hmmmmm....

i know he loves her. i see it. i feel it.
it's pretty pathetic that i still hope that somehow....

...a door would still be open for me.

and now. with a different person, i still hope for the same thing.

should i give up?

or should i fight for it this time.

ang labo ko talaga mag-blog. :(

gossip girls :)

haha! :)
i was just texting angelica a while ago.i asked her something about the prom when we were seniors.then i told her that i had this prophecy and she told me that she has one too. she told first her prophecy and man... we really think a like. so we both notice the attraction between these two people. haha!!

sabi nga ni ange na kami day ay talagang pareho magisip pagdating sa tsismis.
i take that positively. haha! it's really funny because i thought the guy likes someone else.

and to quote angelica,

"bestfriends" daw sila.

haha! :)

good thing they don't visit this page often. :)

i'm addicted.

before anything else. typo on the previous entry.
"no matter what lies ahead,let me know THAT i'm with you,LORD."

hmmm.lost my typing skills.

anyway.i'm nostalgic about how the way i write for they past years. i'm such a happy person back then. so another happiness came into my life lately. and they are, ella, wu zun and jiro wang. :) HANA KIMI (taiwanese version). such a funny story. and though i did not feel the love love thing. it was fun watching them. specially someone like WU ZUN, who's such a nice sight to look at. HOT HOT! :) haha!

i love them. i see amanda bynes in ella on some episodes. haha! i love the song too. zen me ban and the other one. i don't know the title. it has good lyrics in it.

SPOILER.
the story goes like this. rui xi (ella) is in america and see quan (wu zun) in television. she decides to to taiwan and study... in an ALL BOY'S school. she shares a room with quan. and there it goes.
haha.

idle again. haha.. i love some episodes. :) kakakilig. :)

quan: what's the matter?
rui xi: i was just thinking that if i was a girl i think i should...
quan:don't ever think about falling in love with me, okay?
rui xi: of course i won't fall in love with you. i'm a guy.

hmm.. but they love each other from that moment already. :)

haha!! i really love them!! i know im starting to blab things again. urgh!!
so i borrowed jang's dvd. there's a behind the scene special in their MV, zen me ban.

zun: do i have to kiss you today?
ella: yes.
zun: urgh.
ella: (hits zun) what are you urgh-ing about? don't you know that a lot of people wants to kiss me but don't have the opportunity?

haha! and she keeps hitting zun. :)

i've lost my patience

i've lost my patience on a lot of things.
like using the computer. sms-ing my friends. and waiting things to just download. sometimes i just stopped living my life cause i've already gone tired waiting.
waiting for his hand to pull me up again. waiting for his grace to fall upon me. waiting for his mercy i was hoping he'll give me.

and i think he's telling me that i should wait a little further...

..a litlle further for HIS time.

and so no mantter how torturuos this year goes. i just keep on saying to myself and to him that..

"no matter what lies ahead, let me know what i'm with you, LORD."

i'm trying to revive my faith.
faith that has been scratched by trials and challenges.

and i hope he sees. that everything i do now.

will be worth it.

they're so in love...

awww..it's really sweet.
i used to think that she's someone you could mess with because she maybe bitchy and useless. but when i finally got to read some of her thoughts and know some things about her... she's amazing. no wonder mr.elevator guy loves her so much.

it's like this. i gave up watching graduation and watched cbe's dance performance instead. i found him in the 7th floor which packed with people. as his girl and her partner started to walk towards the place where i used to be, he also started walking. he stayed in front of the girl and started taping her whole performance. and all i can say to myself i s that he really loves her. he really does. awwwww...

then i started thinking of letting go. hmmm..

then i think she does not deserve him. (o hindi). but then when i finally found her page. i saw on how much she loves him. and vice versa. awwww...

8 months.

at first i wanted to say that i could sing the song..

"..i waited 8 long months she finally set him free, i told him i couldn't lie, he was the only one for me."

pero give up. i mean crush ko lang yun guy. hindi ko naman siya aagawin ot something. haha!!

he makes me smile.

and it actually feels so good to smile these days.

:)

ciao :)

errrrrr...

"errr."
i think i am really going insane.
cause i think i like this guy that's not worth liking.
haha! mannn..

you i think i am attracted to guys with issues maybe because i am covered with issues. yeah. i think.
sad. i've let my emotions run my life for the past year and i really have not done something good. and it sucks.
i kind of miss the old me. when i complain about my mediocre works. or when i am not able to follow certain skeds.
i get really really really pissed off.
man, now it's so different.

there are just some times when i just don't care at all.

and it sucks.

cause i really do want to care.

scratch that.

i really do NEED to care.

damn, my future worries me so much.

i think i should follow my friend's advice.

"studies muna bago boys."

haha! right. there's so plenty of time to swim in the ocean of boys..

errrrr...

i never wanted to be like this.

being a flirt and everything.

but i mean come on. i am NOT a flirt. :)

trust me.

oh please.

so i think my motto starting from now should be

"ALL WORK AND NO PLAY."

but i worry that i might miss a lot of things that are out there.

and that sucks.

missing a special event in your life.

growing up huh....

:)

now i'm wondering

studying and la salle has made me realized a lot of things. has let me study and observe different people. it's funny how people seem to have some problems when it seems that they have everything. and no wonder why some people seem to be uber successful... because they have everything.

i have this two people in my world.

person 1: she is perfect. she has everything you will be wanting in a girl. she no problems with her family members. she's rich. no wonder she's been doing so good in school.

person 2: she's rich. it's given. her parents seem to love her. she's got the loving boyfriend. it looks like she gets what she wants. so i wonder why is she trying to get rid of her life when she's living a life of a princess.

i am person 3. i have encountered a lot of problems for the past years. and i mean A LOT.
i lost a lot of things. one by one. and i really fear that something may not be left with me. MONEY is my top problem. i now believe that poverty is the cause of all problems. often, i think that i may not be a person of mediocrity if i had everything i wanted. i used to live like a princess too. getting everything i want. i used to have good relationship with my folks. but now it's just so sad cause it's gone. i feel so ALONE. being left with nothing.

so now i'm really wondering. why would person two wants to get rid of her life? when she got what person 1 and person3 wants. and it's his love.

:)

i think im insane

this is because of one thing.

i passed by two people.

one past.

one future.

and it's funny because i think past is still present.

and then when i passed by them...

past greeted me.

and i was not feeling happy at all...

i looked at future.

man, im insane.

i think i like future.

but i love past.

or so i thought.

haha!!

the bad thing.

past and future are friends.

and.

i now look for future.

instead of past.

this is so surreal.

ugh! :)

i'm unbelievable.

i mean. how could i? how could i like a person like that. uhm. unbelievable. 8 months of knowing him and then in just a simple game i start to like this person. he's no disturbed or something but liking him is such a complicated thing to do.

he's just surrounded with complication.

kasi naman. the last guy i liked is "kalandian ng bayan."
eh i don't want someone like that.

asteeg din naman pag medyo snob and when he gives you a smile.

all you would say is...
it's worth it.

i mean he has nice smile yata.

just like the past.

or so i thought. :)

let me believe in fortune telling...

there's just something i realize these past few hours. maybe i should believe in fortune telling. cause maybe fortune telling would help me move on and forget the dark ages.

i once attended this birthday gathering. the celebrant's cousin knows how to sort of tell fortune. well i know that she's not professional but somehow there is truth in what she's saying. so i had my fortune be told thru cards. so this is what she said...

"close kayo nito noh? close kayo but there's no exchange of hearts..."

sad.haha! i was expecting sort of. "exchange of hearts kaso my girl na nakaharang."
haha! but it wasn't my fortune.haha!!

i just remembered it now. i mean i totally forgot about that. and being with the guy for another 2 hours for the week, i felt that he really felt nothing for me. even if reading my journal reminds me on how frustrated i am about him. i guess he really felt nothing for me. maybe for someone else. haaayyy... sad. again. he really loves someone very much.i used to think that i stood a chance on him. but i actually don't. for him.. i'm just a classmate that he could mess with. "asaran" with but never the friend he could share his feelings with. hmmmm...

so i am saying that i think i should remember the fortune that was told upon me. cause maybe believing in that helps me move on. forget about him. and.... save myself from frustration or anything.

i am totally rambling right now. so i really don't know what i'm saying...

i'll stop..
making songs
writing poems


for a person...

who really never...

cared.

so i guess that's it. the frustration i've been keeping for the past hours.
and it feels so good to let it out to the world.

:)

ciao. :)

"I’ve gone too far to come back from here

But you don’t have a clue

You don’t know what you do to me

Won’t someone stop this song?

So I won’t sing along

Someone stop this song

So I won’t sing"

-stop this song*paramore

maybe i just can't get enough of this...

guess what? frustrated again huh? yes. again.
i mean how could all the bad things come at one time? like this moment.
i've been happy for the past few days. yes, days after my birthday maybe. i aced an exam. been able to talk to someone....a bit special. and i guess i was not able to prolong the happiness. i've been inspired. going to school, doing assignments. but i guess at the end of the day when i arrive home... i'm still sad and in despair. maybe. it's just so sad around there.

i need happiness. i used to think that frustration would make me craving for more. achieving more. but the more i get sad... the more i do nothing. nothing but crap.

or maybe i just need this one person. he made me sad. and he also made me happy. being around him and being able to be around him just makes me smile. just gives me a reason to smile. but now. he's gone. not really gone gone. i mean he vanished from my life. we seldom see each other. we don't talk anymore. for a reason i don't know. he forgot something that is really important to me. (sa bagay ano nga naman ang pake niya..)haaaayyyy...
i can't believe. if he feels so far away now.. paano na kaya next year?? maybe i won't totally see him. that's sad. thinking about it really makes me sad.

and if it's probable for him to read this... well. i don't care anymore. if the reason why you stepped out of my life is this. the so be it.

labo ko na naman.
depressed na naman kasi eh.
one text from someone else would be enough siguro. :)

ciao :)

i've got a lot to say to you.

a lot of things really make me insane and anxious these past few days. the highlight of my week would probably when some people made me insane because of thinking!!

i really hated it when he asked me a question. and the question does not concerns him anyway. i mean if i answered his question with a yes or a no.... he'd still do the same thing he planned a few weeks earlier maybe. and sad cause i think people lied to me about some special things. did you know that i did not even had the mind to study for my ANSOGEO quiz? good thing GOd has mercy and our test was moved to MONDAY. thank HIM really. and i hope that the people who keeps on turning me around would have the conscience for all those things that they are telling me. cause i really dont care if what lies ahead is better. i've been DISTURBED. making me insane right now. and BAD.

mehn, seriously. i'm near hell. hmmmm...


damn the people who make me think so much..

specially himm...

:)

my trip to beda...again

i went to beda again to watch the annual batch cheering competition. i said to myself that i would go there early because i want to start to program because MC might sing again! :) haha. but as usual plans go, i failed. i arrived there at 1030 am when i am supposed to be there before 10. sad again.
anyway, the juniors won!sad for the seniors right? but i guess the juniors really deserved it. and the freshmen deserved it too. haha!
i was shocked because *geegee* was there in the seniors squad making his stunts. and mehn!! it was awesome.
then i watched the battle of the bands, still not seeing MC, i just waited until wenobo played. and they won too. zayc is so happy! i was making her jealous because i was able to watch the battle. seeing those pinkiesmilies going down the drain! haha!!

and still i'm sad because i was not able to see MC. my dear MC <3>

and i miss his VOICE! damn damn damn! hahahaaa

wel nothing interesting happened in my trip there because i was not with my lovable and adorable friends..JAHGONAL! if zayc, anna and the gang were there, we would have shouted on the top of our lungs... kasi naman! i was so alone. haha!! i was not able to express my deepest feelings with the festivities. :)
by the way. my birthday's next week.
i am expecting some gift from someone else. and i would really really really really be HAPPY.trust me. haha! but i think it would be impossible because he told right in front of my face that he would not give me anything. and that's enough to believe him. :)

okay.totally going away from the topic. so that's it.

i just miss MC.

"just so you know these feelings takin control of me..."

again.damn. :)

staying here...

i am currently with jang checking all the courses that we are about to enroll for the LEAP. so we are choosing between guitar101,fashion101 and other 101. i think. we're totally bored. we're waiting for michie and ydette and jin and they are here!! as in now. 520 pm.

hmmm..
well i'm a bit obsessed with some of the people around me who are freaking.. KAPAL NG MUKHA! hahaha!!

kasi i like this guy who i think likes my friend. (yeah,i think it's the third time).yes i did the math. so i think BKK's life is still better than mine. kasi ba naman the current person who fell in love with her just composed a song for her.. and it's really awwwww....

but me. i just keep on composing songs for someone else. my feelings telling him on how hard i try to reach out for him. to understand his actions. to know his feelings on things. sad isn't it? when you try everything for that one person to notice you but all that he sees is the person beside him. who made him nothing but crap. :) haha!

HOUSELIFE.
home, as other calls it. atmosphere at home is sadder than the past. haaay! sometimes i just wanted to chase my dreams so that i be far from home.living independently. ironic huh? i guess that's how things in this world go.ironic.
on how we sacrifice things for the one person just to see his smile.but he does not even care about you.on how constant change turn your whole world up side down in just a snap.

honestly.i have not moved on from everything that had happened in my life. two years right? so hard to move on. hard on not thinking what my previous life has offered.

well i still can't decide on things.
why does it need to have so many choices.

no wonder i don't know what i want in life.

just like these courses i am choosing.
maybe i should just take writing 101. :)

for better blogging. kasi alam kong di coherent nung mga ideas. :)

frustrations. near its climax. i think.

lea gave me a gift! thanks lea. and so i will stuff my frustrations there.
so. i was crying while writing all my "sama ng loob." to all the things that i could not reach. for all the people who touched my life and then walked away.for those people who were able to chase their dreams. and for the people who were lucky enough to be with the people i dream to be with. :)
well i wish i were typing in my own computer but i am somewhere in manila because sharing my thoughts with the public isn't an "academic" thing. so it's not allowed at home.
hmmmm.. i've been sighing a lot lately. a sign that i am tired of what's happening with my life. if something's happening.
i really have nothing else to say but "frustrated."
maaannnn...
i just can't move on...
sad isn't it.