LOOKLET FEVER

My work just won't save that's why I just keep on printing the screen.
My Second looklet design. Something that I would definitely wear for school! Very casual! :)

SCHOOL RUSH:
Grab anything from your closet when you're late for school.

NOT MYSELF TONIGHT.

I know, I should be finishing our laboratory report but I chose to be swayed by my dear friend, Anna. She told me about this website and I swear that I resisted to visit it. Then she said about something that I can't remember anymore and next thing I know I'm already obsessed with it.
I'M SO SORRY for my weakness. Who can blame me? I'm just a girl staring at looklet.com wondering when can I have those clothes?

So just for trial, I made my first design or first mix or first whatever you call it.


So I just print screened it cause I can't wait for it to save. I entitled it "First" because I can't think of anything else right now aside from the fact that my laboratory report is hanging. Oh, well.

CAUSE HE'S FREE.

Have you ever closed your heart to the world because someone got it so down that it couldn't handle the gravity of what it feels anymore?
Then one day you just decide that it's time for it to be opened again? You are giving it another chance to wake up every morning hoping it could meet a new face that could make it alive again.

Out of the blue I just convinced myself that I was over it-- over with the frustration of not having him. I was so convinced that I was content with what we have. I thought I was happy just sitting beside him. A night changed all that. I was sitting beside him (yes!) as he roll down the window to see the full moon casts its light into a beautiful establishment that almost looked like a castle. It was a nice view. What I didn't know is that there is so much better view than the moon, so I took a risk, I gazed upon him. He was so awed with the moon like every single person I am with at that time. I forced my eyes to look down and realized that I am totally not over this person. How much of a suckfest is that? What makes it more complicated than ever is that... I have a complicated with him and with her. It's just impossible and hopeless. He is so in love with her. So without further analysis, I just convinced myself again that I'll be over it.

And I am going into the day again with a convinced mind that whatever emotions I have for a certain creature does not exist. A night changed that again. A night of call. A call that only an impulsive me would do.

I looked down again as I grip tighter to what I'm holding. Are you kidding me? Am I really going to go through this all over again. Should I convince myself again that I do not have anything for this person? Could I ever really be over it?

What if this time is different? He's free. Free of the complication that seem to encircle us back then. Could he see me? Would he even realize that I'm the only one who would be willing to be there for him right now? Or would I just be going back to convincing myself again?

Convince myself that I'm not asking for anything more. I'm here because of you and whatever it is inside your freaking head. I could convince myself again that I'm over it. That I could get over it. I could do that if it's the only way to stay sane and get into your head. I could convince myself that even if you're free, it's still impossible for you to see.

I could convince myself of many things but the only problem is,even if several years pass I'll be coming back right back to your memory.

NOSTALGIA.

One hot day, out of boredom and laziness, I decided to watch something that I have watched before. I opened this drawer where I stuff all the DVDs I've bought in the past and my hand landed on One Tree Hill. I chose from Seasons 1-4 and since I really wanted to reminisce, I just decided to watch the third season.
In this season, Haley and Nathan was just thinking of a divorce, well, just Nathan. He wanted it because Haley kind of went off with Chris Keller.
So anywaaaayy, my point is, there is this episode where Lucas and Haley would just see their predictions. The ones they have made the previous year and they are going to make a new one. An idea struck my head.
I WILL do the same thing. I will predict this coming academic year. And my life as well. hahaha!

So first on my list is.

I WILL MOVE ON. I will move on from the guy I never got anything from. Well, aside from mixed signals and confused emotions and lots of complains. I'm finally setting myself free of his negativity and try to live the life I wanted for myself.

DUH. I'm Ayeen Atienza, I am so better than him.

I know, I know. That's the spirit.

PS: I LOVE DAMON SALVATORE.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

What is wrong with me?
I've never wanted to be skinny, white and pretty until now. I'm so obsessed with getting this tummy flat and having my skin color whiter than the usual! I've never used products that would help me have a "flawless" skin until now.
WHAT IS FREAKING WRONG WITH ME?
I've never wanted this so much. And I want my hair to be perfect!
UGH. What in the world is happening. It's just shocking. I never wanted to be one of those people who think so much on how they look.

I just feel like I have to. I have to look good this time.

Oh wait, I just wanted to get toned.

With my color and my body.

THE BEST EXPLANATION I'VE EVER READ.

" What happens when someone breaks your heart?

When someone breaks your heart, first you are shocked. Someone will say that you are heartbroken and you examine the words break and heart and heartbroken and you immediately decide that it's inaccurate. You feel pain in the region of your heart and you think it's your heart breaking, but one's heart doesn't really break, something else does - faith. You stop believing.

No, not in the big things which most of the time are irrelevant. You still believe in God or Buddha or some Supreme Being, you still believe that child prostitution is bad. You just stop believing on the small things that you do, the small things that give meaning to your daily life, and you begin to think that everything is pointless: Why get up? Why dress up? Why breathe in and out? What for? What for?

When someone breaks your heart (your faith), you stop believing and you switch off the lights inside your heart.Someone is home but that someone is lying in the dark, in the room farthest from the gate, and that someone can't hear anything. Friends, parents, they all call out to her from the gate ("Come out" which means "Move on") but they are unheard, unseen, unacknowledged.

When someone breaks your heart, you turn into a small ball of self-pity. You lie in bed, in a ball. You hug your knees, keeping them close to your chest, like a fetus. Freud said it's human instinct to go back to the womb where we can feel safe.

But that's what happens when someone breaks your heart --- they steal the very thing that makes you feel safe, whole, intact."

---Teri Marana, a character from the book Mr. Write

TORMENTINGLY HOT.

The only thing that keeps my mind sane and my laptop calm is this electric fan that is less than a foot away from me. Well, I've been trying to download the pilot episode of 10 Things I Hate About You thrice already and I just couldn't find a good copy that doesn't cut after a minute. SUCKFEST and I think I have failed in downloading it again.

I've downloaded episode 2 of it successfully but I couldn't really get the first episode done! I'm freaking frustrated and my laptop has been on for five hours already. Oh for Pete's sake. Good thing I have a dose of Glee 1x15 or I'll be screwing my imagination later on.

Whew. What a week. I just want you to know on how I've witnessed a MIRACLE this week and I'm really grateful for it. REALLY REALLY GRATEFUL. It's true that you just have to look deep within your heart to be able to find what you really want and who you really are
and if you would ask for God's blessing, you would get it.

It's about letting it go and waiting for good things to land on your palm and cherish it and treasure it when it's already there. It's seldom that we get the chance we want so we've got to fight for it.

And to quote Paramore, "It's not a dream anymore, it's worth fighting for."

But for this downloading pilot episode, I think I'm going to rest for now.

And my entry is totally irrelevant to the title. IT'S JUST SO FREAKING HOT in here. seriously, I sprayed water on the ground to see how hot the weather is and I think the water drops evaporated even before they hit the ground.

I'm just saying.

WHEN THE WORLD IS CHASING YOU.

Did you know I bothered to but a little drawing book so that I could put my thoughts into drawing as well? Honestly, I wanted this art blanc notebook but it was expensive that I just decided to settle with a cheap one -- first.

SO. First, I'm not a good artist. I hate drawing but I love doodling. Second, I entitle this one as -- the world is chasing me. or I'm running away from the world. hahaha!
So here's a brief description. FYI, it's like I'm letting you peek into my journal. I just felt like there are tons of things to write so i just wanted to draw to express my frustration.

This is the exact thing I'm feeling right now. I just want to run away from the world. Run away and do things on my own without anyone interrupting me BUT I know it's going to be hard. So on the left side is the world that's chasing a little kid and the only way to escape is through hell. Can you believe that? haha.

So, have you ever felt that you just want to runaway. To escape reality and to leave everything behind to start anew.

I just wanted to know who I am and where I'm supposed to head. I know it's been years but I honestly want to be found cause I've been lost for a long time.

Or maybe, I just need to face the world.

PS: Is there anyone who reads this blog or something? Could you just tell me it's worth to write cause someone out there cares to read. Please.

:|

YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOUR WAY.

Wow. It's Black Saturday and in my honest opinion, I've done anything but productive. I'm downloading Matlab right now for my project that was announced a month ago but being the ever crammer.. I'm rushing it right now. Can you believe it? It's 3.3 GB and it's going to be taking FOR-E-VER to download this thing.

Here's my sentiment.

Have you ever done something with all your will and it just ends up like a crap. Cause I've been feeling that thing since I've started college. I've always set my eyes on a goal but it just goes somewhere where things should rot.

SOMETHING HAS JUST TO GO WRONG.

and I've been pissed for the past three years specially when I'm doing projects that are strangers to me.

That's why I've been starting to wonder if I'm meant to be here and I honestly don't know what I would do if this isn't the place I'm supposed to be in. It sucks. I just want to skip some steps and be where I could truly do what I'm supposed to.

and I'm still hoping that here's where I'm supposed to be.

And did you know how hard it is to fight Higher Power? The one that controls everything that's meant to be?

JUST LET GO.

I just want to let go.

BTW. JENNA RICE - FARRO. i hate you.

ADORE

I just realized on how much I look up to Hayley Williams. I mean, come on, I'm probably one of those people who had hated her for a time because of the misery in Josh's face. I just realized on how strong she is. She was able to stand all of those rumors of being a cheater, being pregnant and all of the bad things that you could thing of. At this point, she is able to stand gloriously. She's touring half of the world for Pete's sake! Let's give her the credit that she's really talented. Her livejournal entries and her songs were the prime reasons I started writing my own song and writing sensibly about my emotions. I had a song journal because I was inspired by her. I want to learn how to sing and rock the microphone cause I saw how good it was to let the world know about you through a song.

And now that Paramore is coming to our country, probably arriving today, I can't help but regret that I wish I would have staked things for it. Screw school, screw my parents who think that putting earphones in your ears and blasting the iPod volume could send your grades to hell. I would've ran without direction! Just went with the beat. I wanted to live that way.

Argh. So what now? I've honestly got a lot of things inside this heart cause it has been a very surprising Monday and I don't want to talk about some of it-- yet. I just wanted to say on how I admire Hayley for being strong and for having the confidence to defend herself every once in a while. Her life seemed like a battle and I guess she is victorious.

Cause I'm feeling the same at the very moment. I feel like everything is against me and I hope I could find the courage to slap it to their faces on how pathetic they are.

5 FLOORS ABOVE THE GROUND.

You just appeared in my dreams and now, I'm effing obsessed with you.
I hope I could see you again. Even just for a while. Even if you would just talk to me because your phone can't send any message because it's out of credits. :)

Cause I honestly would want to get to know you. Words straight from you. Not from someone else like your brother.

Hmmm.

Btw, I'm at Yuchengco fifth floor and I'm feeling tensed, I think I'm having a migraine again, on a Thursday and it sucks. Maybe because I'm ill. :

NOW THE END IS NEAR.

One day I woke up and realized that I don't have a hundred years to live.

Calm down, my thoughts are screaming trying to supress the panic that my heart could nearly cry.

Who could I blame if life changing moments I onced wish come twice.

Life is short.

Don't play so tactless.

IT'S AMAZING.

Last year, I was just listing in this very site, the things that I wanted. Material things. I remembered putting iPod and laptop and I thought it would be really like shooting for the moon to get those things.
That's why I couldn't just believe on how blessed I was when a friend of mine gave me iPod nano for Christmas + My birthday. Music has been a great part of my life. I may have been frustratingly learning the piano during my younger years and it may have failed but still, Music has been able to make my heart pump and has been keeping me alive until now. I can't believe that I have a player that's 8G! I know it is still small considering the amount of music that's out there. I've opened myself to electronic and pop and even country music! I am so thankful that I'm able to have an iPod and I named her Merry. She's purple and I don't have the budget yet to protect her but hopefully I do get to have her protected cause the scratches seem inevitable.

Then there's my laptop. I haven't touched it yet because my brother is in full charge of having the operating system installed and everything else that is needed to be installed such as iTunes and Adobe Photoshop. I'll be installing the programs I do need for school afterwards such as Visio and Flash. I can't believe I was able to get one. I really am thankful for my Father who has always saved me. It is true that when you ask, you shall receive. It's such a shame that there are times that I forget to pray to him but I really am grateful for all of the things that He has given, good or bad. It has been able to put me to where I am now and I hope I'm closer to a better place.

Another bad thing, I wasn't able to say my gratitude to my aunts who never left our side. They were the ones who funded my laptop! Yay! It's because I'm the ever lazy kid that I forget to thank them, I will, tonight. Before I review for my exam tomorrow.

and speaking of that one, I'm totally screwed.

All I can imagine is having my fingers laid on my laptop and type and type and type. Or maybe I should get my playlist first.

And one thing I learned this morning is that, prayer does work. So go ahead and pray.

That's all :)

BLOOD TYPE : TRAGIC.

Last night, I was crying over a spilled milk. Tears should not have fallen for some stupid thought in my had. I couldn't help it. I was just desperate to move on. I kept telling myself this last night, My head is already there but I just feel like something keeps me glued in that place.

Moments ago, I turned my head around as I meet his eyes. Along with the excitement in my eyes is a bump of realization in my head. It wasn't me he's looking at. I've said this before, I think I have a gift at seeing people. Who they really are and what they really meant. It's not perfect at times cause what I thought was the opposite.

I have this great feeling that this time I'm right. That gaze wasn't for me. It's someone from the same circle. And that's what hurts me.

Fine, it's okay not to like me as long as you don't like someone within my circle.

Because that will become the nth slap in the face.

Year of The Tiger

2009 is officially my worst year. Too much drama in my head and my heart nearly didn't make it from the heaviness brought into it. I know I'm not the only one who had a terrible year. Others may have far worse than from what I had.

This 2010, I want to make it. I'll finally align my dreams and start prioritizing things. I am glad that I was able to attend this Advent Recollection here in our parish last Dec. 5. No regrets. I may have lost things in the year of the Ox but I feel that I'm going to receive things after that horrible storm.

The first thing that I want to do is to have God in the center of my life. I'm done bargaining and begging him to give me the things that I want for my life so I decided to just let go. I just told him that whatever he had planned for me, I'm willingly going to follow.
Speaking of letting go, Ive finally accepted the things I cannot do. I'm far from being superwoman anyway and got my life way off the tracks. So this year, I'll focus on one thing that I should've focused a long time ago. I'm finally letting go of things that I now know, may not be for me.

I'll move away from toxicity. Who wants to live in a world full of hate?
I read this book which has the quote : "Hate can't drive out hate only love can do that." I'll do my best to stay positive this year though I know I'll go through something that is really crucial. I'll read more books about self confidence and inspiration and find people who could give me that.

I'll share my life through writing. Times may have confused me to where I'm supposed to be but with what had happened, I think, I finally know what I want in life and I'm going to pursue it for real as long as it doesn't go against God's Laws.

I know it's hard to don something that is right because temptation would always be posing way better but follow your heart because it always know what is good. These are just some things I have learned during the tough year and I'm applying it to the incoming year.

I'll blog more.

HANGING BY A THREAD.

What does it mean when you roll over your bed only to discover that you're missing your rosary that is usually just right beside you?
I find it scary, actually. I won't lie.

I woke up one morning realizing that I can't continue my future plans anymore for a reason that future itself is quite a blur. I didn't know what to think. I just discovered that I'm heading for a dead end. Several thought entered the door to my head. Not making a single sound but its weight is taking a toll on me.

The first thing that I have thought of is to give up. To finally let it go and move on. Another thing is to fight, to change. I once read that every minute can turn things around.

I guess my life didn't depend on minutes.

At the end of the line, no matter what I choose, it will still sound pathetic. Fighting in the end? Not really a good way to be a heroine. Let go? Pathetic again, you're already there, why bother stopping when you've reached too far.

Drowning in the sea of thoughts was the only feeling I had. Two choices again, to swim or to sink in.

It's easy to sink in and not know what lies ahead and it's hard to swim and what you may be dealing with in the shore may be a lot harder.

I've been breathing lifeless air for a long time now and I don't think I've learned what Life is. Too young? No, never use your age as an excuse.

I guess my sphere of interests only revolves around myself. Cause someone has to care for me, Im willing to do it for myself.

So as the vision fades away, there is only one thing I'm going to do as I walk to the end.

I'll try to really care for myself this time.

Bring back the pride, the motivation and dedication.

And on the process I still hope to touch a life. Is it even possible? To touch a life without love?

:)ayeenatienza

MOVING IN CIRCLES.

I'm sitting in a stool as I stare on the empty plate in front of me. Im trying to think of something to scribble but there was only one thing in my head and there is no way I'm going to write that without offending someone. Afterall, it might just be the influence of paranoia in the first place.

So I tried to ignore every bell that goes off in this head. Fighting the thoughts that I'm the one being talked about.

I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean to. If ever I'm the one you're trying to pinpoint.

The ink on the paper posted in my planner said I had a lot of thinks to do but I'd rather do all these networks first, It's here that I find freedom.

I came to this page where I thought on how cruel the world is. How it's size can be a friend or a foe. The world is small. It might be an advantage but sometimes it isn't.
The smell of misery still lingers on the same circle. We're all moving in one without our knowledge.

The sad part is, I'm always the sole loser.

and I hate it.

TRYING TO PAINT THE PICTURE

The only that was wrong with me is that I always felt that I don't have any rights at all.

THE STORM STARTS HERE.

I've been writing lyrics for a while now and it's becoming a good habit. good? Anyway, I've been telling my lovely friends that I would learn the piano, guitar and vocals in three days. hahaha! HOPEFUL. I would probably end up cleaning the whole house because Ydette is such an inspiration.

Here's a couple of lines from the song I'm trying to make.
SAD SONG

do you remember
when i used to put you to sleep
you'll think about her
and you'll tell me something deep

i know
you're out of misery
that doesn't mean
you could criticize me
with bliss, you try to sing along
but i'll always be your little sad song

anna! go do some music while I open youtube with how to play the piano chords and how to play the guitar! i'll get my guitar that's with my neighbor!

and shoutout to anyone who does music.
bow to you.

i'm sad.
stors just starts here.

hope i survive.

:|ayeenatienza

SINCE I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN THE LONGES TIME.

Before this bliss gets rubbed off by some familiar misery, I would just write something under the clouds.

Hm. I honestly feel I haven't blogged in ages for some reason I don't know. Maybe because I've been pouring out the anger, happiness, regret, misery and all other emotions on making a song. And just to let you know I've made three songs already-- no tune yet so maybe it's not yet a song. and and and. i got myself a SONG JOURNAL! how amazing is that?

Speaking of songs. I've been listening to some VersaEmerge songs lately and I'm totally in love with Moments Between Sleep and The Authors. There's something about Ciara's voice that is different and I like it. Makes me want to be more of a vocalist on some band that's going to be popular over at youtube. Oh well, I'm dreaming on! I'm a singer in the first place. haha! And I'm memorizing Broken wings by heart. From what I;ve heard it's from Flyleaf's 2000 EP, meaning the song will be 10 years in a year. hu-wow! what about that? But I've listened to the song last 2007 over at my friend's new phone--back then. And I was like.. Is this Flyleaf? It's totally Lacey's voice.

And still speaking of songs. I just heard Paramore's single from the upcoming album, BRAND NEW EYES,Brick by Boring Brick. Awesome. I already told my friend about this-- There's just something about this song that makes me feel different. Specially on the bridge part! And its chorus is LSS material. "So go get a shovel and we'll dig a deep hole to bury the castle. bury the castle." I honestly don't know what it means but hey, it's good. I really can't wait for this album thought Ignorance was a bit harsh and I found it hard to rock and head bang with the lyrics. Hey, don't blame me.. I'm really a lyrics person. Spells deep, man. Deep! hahaha!

I'm up for reading another Kinsella novel. Remember Me. My friend is asking me to read it before the movie goes out. Robert Pattinson will be there and I don't exactly know what to feel. I don't like him! I mean I adore him as Cedric and okay as Edward at first and then she started going out to every co-star which I should absolutely have no business about but it's just so--- weird and flirty and. okay I'll stop now. So I really hope that I could read it this term break thought I know I'd probably be sticking my face on the monitor and hug the keyboard! YAY!

And I've got tons of stories in my head but I'm secretly publishing two. haha! you won't find that. I swear. :D


I'm about to say something else but I totally forgot. darn.
oh yes. not worth talking about it online. maybe i should preserve all the crappy personal stuff for my diary. It's not even halfway full even if it's the ninth month already. wow. now i just realized that.

Oh well!! cheers to home alone! I'm along tonight everyone's out doing some happy things with their lives and I'm here in front of the computer for the third time in this day!! Chatting with my highschool buddies whom I haven't seen in ages.

I'll see you tom!
WE'LL TALK ABOUT BOYS! hahaha!

"It's amazingly strange how we all seem to change"

:)ayeenatienza