I CAN'T F-IN HANDLE THIS

I AM SO SCREWED IF YOU ONLY KNOW!
AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANOTHER DRAMA.
DAMN.
I CAN'T HELP IT ANYMORE.
THIS IS TAKING ALL OF ME!
AND IT'S SUFFOCATING.

IT MAKES ME DIE.
LITTLE BY LITTLE.

100th

ooh, it's my one hundredth entry here! and i don't know what to talk about in here. i'm thinking school,blogging, friends,cousing,or BOYS. haha!

i'm a bit tired.not because of school and not because of doing som much things (if i have done anything) haha!

i'm tired of certain situation that keeps on happening over and over again. no matter how we pray for it to be fixed, it just can't and i really have no idea why. it's been a long time and the damage has been already huge. that at this point in time, i really don't know if we could still fix it, and if ever we were able to fix it, i don't think things will go back to way they were. it's just frustrating. seeing things back then, and seeing it now. they were just different. i felt like moving into a new dimension but i know i can't just leave the other one behind. but it's hurting. and it's not just me.

and i'm wondering if the others are hurting too.
i really hope they were.

anyhow,two days of school have passed. and i was so drenched in the rain on the first day. and only few professors show up! but it's not as tiring as last term's. :)

my one hundredth entry sucks!
damn.

a new day has come...

when frustration strikes at one time. i felt depressed. and i can't even manage to smile.
i say i think. but actually, i wasn't in the mood for talking.
a part of me wanted to go home, a part didn't.

i waited. i waited for someone to make me smile.giddy.and happy.

i stared the endless sight.

and then, there was a glimpse of you.

i smiled.

and the bliss started.

i thank God you came.

emotionally disturbed

so i am in school today. and i feel something going on inside of me.
i received a text from mom which says, "may class ka ba ngayon, pwede ba kitang tawagan?" and as usual, i've read it late. and i started wondering what i did wrong this time. i fear that maybe she has read the latest entry in my diary. or she found out that i didn't make it enough on my last calculus exam. i wondered on and on. i started getting nervous and not wanting to go back home. beucase again, i just kept on wondering.

so i guess that's it.

i don't want to take things granted. but i just give in with the people around me.

it sucks.

:( ayeenatienza

i wish i could see him.

here...

i've been thinking.

i wanted to get rid of someone's thoughts in my head so much that i think..

i think..

i am forcing myself to like someone.

who's going to give the same experience i had with the one i was trying so hard to forget.

how's that?

pathetic huh?

:)ayeenatienza

one morning of frustration

i attended angel's debut last night. but i wasn't tired. probably because i was happy last night. too happy. and i don't know why. :)

so i came to my three- hour class late. fifteen minutes late. but that's not important anyway.

because i can't even solve this ONE ARRAY PROBLEM. none of us could. some has already started but all i can write was main, then print and everything in between. i am so frustrated. i kind of promised myself that i would do better. so i could still stay at la salle for the rest of the years. but this is just a disaster. i don't even know a thing. i've googled a lot of things. and still i got nothing.
this computer wont read my USB where angelica's lecture notes on C++ are. IT SUCKS. :)

so one hour left and i still could not figure out on how to establish this problem.
i don't even know how to start.

sad :(

PS: i just remembered this question in my head back then. it goes something like this.

if you want to change, where do you actually begin?

i've become a JLC and BEA fan. :)

it's like this. i saw the trailer of i love betty la fea in abscbn one night. all the characters were shown except for one -- Armando.
so i searched "i love betty" over the internet, youtube to be exact. instead, i found
"kay tagal kang hinintay" series and i just started watching where bea and john lloyd began. it was so dramatic! the lines were heavy. i love how yuri(JLC) flirts with kat(bea) at first. haha! i love love love love them now! i love them back then, but now i am quite addicted to it.

i want to buy "one more chance" dvd because i did not have the chance to watch it before. and i want close to you dvd too cause i can't remember the story. all i know is,it is about best friends. :) hahaha!! man, i am really addicted. :)

wuzun and ella :)

WARNING: no angela zhang fan allowed. :)

so this is just plainly opinion on the things that i have read at this one forum.

okay. i've read that wu zun will be coming here in the philippines to promote ROMANTIC PRINCESS. it hurts you know. cause i believe that there are more ella and zun fans that angelun. ssoooo.. i hope that abscbn should just let fahrenheit and s.h.e. to come here in the country and if ever zun will be promoting RP here in the country.. i just hope that he will come ALONE! ir with ella.

i've also read that abscbn used hanakimi to promote RP. that just sucks.

i watched romantic princess yesterday because im forcing myself to like any drama kung nasaan si wu zun. but boy.. trailer pa lang hindi ko na natiis and i was just about to shut the damn television. pero siempre.. i still watched and that episode was just unbelievable. KALANDIAN!! haha! especially on the side of the lead actress. because you just don't tell a guy to lend his shoulder then cry like a crybaby!!! darn.

and now it soothes me because im not the only one who feels the same way. i feel at home at CE forums. i love it in there and it really makes me feel good. it erases the irritation in my mood!!

haha. but as the people there say.

LOVE THE DRAMA. NOT THE LOVETEAM.

haha!

wu zun hearts ella chen :)

gosh, they look so good together. sparks is just everywhere. and when zun smiles... his smile is different with ella.

unlike in RP.

i hope there's HANA KIMI 2 because i really want to finish the story!!!

:) ayeenatienza

i don't know what's right anymore.

it's sad.
i used to be hard on my self. back when i was good. i was stable.

i think the reason i am a trainwreck now is that i've loosen myself a bit.

and it sucks.

so i guess i deserve all the punishment.

sad.

i'm pretty pathetic

it's pretty hard to accept some things in life.
i mean, there have been times when i thought i've already move on and i was ready to be all broken again. but when fate just keeps on testing you. it's pathetic to know that somehow i really feel something for that person.

it's pretty pathetic that i still chose to be broken all over again. on how i chose to go thru the same things all over again. hmmmmm....

i know he loves her. i see it. i feel it.
it's pretty pathetic that i still hope that somehow....

...a door would still be open for me.

and now. with a different person, i still hope for the same thing.

should i give up?

or should i fight for it this time.

ang labo ko talaga mag-blog. :(

gossip girls :)

haha! :)
i was just texting angelica a while ago.i asked her something about the prom when we were seniors.then i told her that i had this prophecy and she told me that she has one too. she told first her prophecy and man... we really think a like. so we both notice the attraction between these two people. haha!!

sabi nga ni ange na kami day ay talagang pareho magisip pagdating sa tsismis.
i take that positively. haha! it's really funny because i thought the guy likes someone else.

and to quote angelica,

"bestfriends" daw sila.

haha! :)

good thing they don't visit this page often. :)

i'm addicted.

before anything else. typo on the previous entry.
"no matter what lies ahead,let me know THAT i'm with you,LORD."

hmmm.lost my typing skills.

anyway.i'm nostalgic about how the way i write for they past years. i'm such a happy person back then. so another happiness came into my life lately. and they are, ella, wu zun and jiro wang. :) HANA KIMI (taiwanese version). such a funny story. and though i did not feel the love love thing. it was fun watching them. specially someone like WU ZUN, who's such a nice sight to look at. HOT HOT! :) haha!

i love them. i see amanda bynes in ella on some episodes. haha! i love the song too. zen me ban and the other one. i don't know the title. it has good lyrics in it.

SPOILER.
the story goes like this. rui xi (ella) is in america and see quan (wu zun) in television. she decides to to taiwan and study... in an ALL BOY'S school. she shares a room with quan. and there it goes.
haha.

idle again. haha.. i love some episodes. :) kakakilig. :)

quan: what's the matter?
rui xi: i was just thinking that if i was a girl i think i should...
quan:don't ever think about falling in love with me, okay?
rui xi: of course i won't fall in love with you. i'm a guy.

hmm.. but they love each other from that moment already. :)

haha!! i really love them!! i know im starting to blab things again. urgh!!
so i borrowed jang's dvd. there's a behind the scene special in their MV, zen me ban.

zun: do i have to kiss you today?
ella: yes.
zun: urgh.
ella: (hits zun) what are you urgh-ing about? don't you know that a lot of people wants to kiss me but don't have the opportunity?

haha! and she keeps hitting zun. :)

i've lost my patience

i've lost my patience on a lot of things.
like using the computer. sms-ing my friends. and waiting things to just download. sometimes i just stopped living my life cause i've already gone tired waiting.
waiting for his hand to pull me up again. waiting for his grace to fall upon me. waiting for his mercy i was hoping he'll give me.

and i think he's telling me that i should wait a little further...

..a litlle further for HIS time.

and so no mantter how torturuos this year goes. i just keep on saying to myself and to him that..

"no matter what lies ahead, let me know what i'm with you, LORD."

i'm trying to revive my faith.
faith that has been scratched by trials and challenges.

and i hope he sees. that everything i do now.

will be worth it.

they're so in love...

awww..it's really sweet.
i used to think that she's someone you could mess with because she maybe bitchy and useless. but when i finally got to read some of her thoughts and know some things about her... she's amazing. no wonder mr.elevator guy loves her so much.

it's like this. i gave up watching graduation and watched cbe's dance performance instead. i found him in the 7th floor which packed with people. as his girl and her partner started to walk towards the place where i used to be, he also started walking. he stayed in front of the girl and started taping her whole performance. and all i can say to myself i s that he really loves her. he really does. awwwww...

then i started thinking of letting go. hmmm..

then i think she does not deserve him. (o hindi). but then when i finally found her page. i saw on how much she loves him. and vice versa. awwww...

8 months.

at first i wanted to say that i could sing the song..

"..i waited 8 long months she finally set him free, i told him i couldn't lie, he was the only one for me."

pero give up. i mean crush ko lang yun guy. hindi ko naman siya aagawin ot something. haha!!

he makes me smile.

and it actually feels so good to smile these days.

:)

ciao :)

errrrrr...

"errr."
i think i am really going insane.
cause i think i like this guy that's not worth liking.
haha! mannn..

you i think i am attracted to guys with issues maybe because i am covered with issues. yeah. i think.
sad. i've let my emotions run my life for the past year and i really have not done something good. and it sucks.
i kind of miss the old me. when i complain about my mediocre works. or when i am not able to follow certain skeds.
i get really really really pissed off.
man, now it's so different.

there are just some times when i just don't care at all.

and it sucks.

cause i really do want to care.

scratch that.

i really do NEED to care.

damn, my future worries me so much.

i think i should follow my friend's advice.

"studies muna bago boys."

haha! right. there's so plenty of time to swim in the ocean of boys..

errrrr...

i never wanted to be like this.

being a flirt and everything.

but i mean come on. i am NOT a flirt. :)

trust me.

oh please.

so i think my motto starting from now should be

"ALL WORK AND NO PLAY."

but i worry that i might miss a lot of things that are out there.

and that sucks.

missing a special event in your life.

growing up huh....

:)

now i'm wondering

studying and la salle has made me realized a lot of things. has let me study and observe different people. it's funny how people seem to have some problems when it seems that they have everything. and no wonder why some people seem to be uber successful... because they have everything.

i have this two people in my world.

person 1: she is perfect. she has everything you will be wanting in a girl. she no problems with her family members. she's rich. no wonder she's been doing so good in school.

person 2: she's rich. it's given. her parents seem to love her. she's got the loving boyfriend. it looks like she gets what she wants. so i wonder why is she trying to get rid of her life when she's living a life of a princess.

i am person 3. i have encountered a lot of problems for the past years. and i mean A LOT.
i lost a lot of things. one by one. and i really fear that something may not be left with me. MONEY is my top problem. i now believe that poverty is the cause of all problems. often, i think that i may not be a person of mediocrity if i had everything i wanted. i used to live like a princess too. getting everything i want. i used to have good relationship with my folks. but now it's just so sad cause it's gone. i feel so ALONE. being left with nothing.

so now i'm really wondering. why would person two wants to get rid of her life? when she got what person 1 and person3 wants. and it's his love.

:)

i think im insane

this is because of one thing.

i passed by two people.

one past.

one future.

and it's funny because i think past is still present.

and then when i passed by them...

past greeted me.

and i was not feeling happy at all...

i looked at future.

man, im insane.

i think i like future.

but i love past.

or so i thought.

haha!!

the bad thing.

past and future are friends.

and.

i now look for future.

instead of past.

this is so surreal.

ugh! :)

i'm unbelievable.

i mean. how could i? how could i like a person like that. uhm. unbelievable. 8 months of knowing him and then in just a simple game i start to like this person. he's no disturbed or something but liking him is such a complicated thing to do.

he's just surrounded with complication.

kasi naman. the last guy i liked is "kalandian ng bayan."
eh i don't want someone like that.

asteeg din naman pag medyo snob and when he gives you a smile.

all you would say is...
it's worth it.

i mean he has nice smile yata.

just like the past.

or so i thought. :)

let me believe in fortune telling...

there's just something i realize these past few hours. maybe i should believe in fortune telling. cause maybe fortune telling would help me move on and forget the dark ages.

i once attended this birthday gathering. the celebrant's cousin knows how to sort of tell fortune. well i know that she's not professional but somehow there is truth in what she's saying. so i had my fortune be told thru cards. so this is what she said...

"close kayo nito noh? close kayo but there's no exchange of hearts..."

sad.haha! i was expecting sort of. "exchange of hearts kaso my girl na nakaharang."
haha! but it wasn't my fortune.haha!!

i just remembered it now. i mean i totally forgot about that. and being with the guy for another 2 hours for the week, i felt that he really felt nothing for me. even if reading my journal reminds me on how frustrated i am about him. i guess he really felt nothing for me. maybe for someone else. haaayyy... sad. again. he really loves someone very much.i used to think that i stood a chance on him. but i actually don't. for him.. i'm just a classmate that he could mess with. "asaran" with but never the friend he could share his feelings with. hmmmm...

so i am saying that i think i should remember the fortune that was told upon me. cause maybe believing in that helps me move on. forget about him. and.... save myself from frustration or anything.

i am totally rambling right now. so i really don't know what i'm saying...

i'll stop..
making songs
writing poems


for a person...

who really never...

cared.

so i guess that's it. the frustration i've been keeping for the past hours.
and it feels so good to let it out to the world.

:)

ciao. :)

"I’ve gone too far to come back from here

But you don’t have a clue

You don’t know what you do to me

Won’t someone stop this song?

So I won’t sing along

Someone stop this song

So I won’t sing"

-stop this song*paramore

maybe i just can't get enough of this...

guess what? frustrated again huh? yes. again.
i mean how could all the bad things come at one time? like this moment.
i've been happy for the past few days. yes, days after my birthday maybe. i aced an exam. been able to talk to someone....a bit special. and i guess i was not able to prolong the happiness. i've been inspired. going to school, doing assignments. but i guess at the end of the day when i arrive home... i'm still sad and in despair. maybe. it's just so sad around there.

i need happiness. i used to think that frustration would make me craving for more. achieving more. but the more i get sad... the more i do nothing. nothing but crap.

or maybe i just need this one person. he made me sad. and he also made me happy. being around him and being able to be around him just makes me smile. just gives me a reason to smile. but now. he's gone. not really gone gone. i mean he vanished from my life. we seldom see each other. we don't talk anymore. for a reason i don't know. he forgot something that is really important to me. (sa bagay ano nga naman ang pake niya..)haaaayyyy...
i can't believe. if he feels so far away now.. paano na kaya next year?? maybe i won't totally see him. that's sad. thinking about it really makes me sad.

and if it's probable for him to read this... well. i don't care anymore. if the reason why you stepped out of my life is this. the so be it.

labo ko na naman.
depressed na naman kasi eh.
one text from someone else would be enough siguro. :)

ciao :)