Friday, May 28, 2010


Have you ever closed your heart to the world because someone got it so down that it couldn't handle the gravity of what it feels anymore?
Then one day you just decide that it's time for it to be opened again? You are giving it another chance to wake up every morning hoping it could meet a new face that could make it alive again.

Out of the blue I just convinced myself that I was over it-- over with the frustration of not having him. I was so convinced that I was content with what we have. I thought I was happy just sitting beside him. A night changed all that. I was sitting beside him (yes!) as he roll down the window to see the full moon casts its light into a beautiful establishment that almost looked like a castle. It was a nice view. What I didn't know is that there is so much better view than the moon, so I took a risk, I gazed upon him. He was so awed with the moon like every single person I am with at that time. I forced my eyes to look down and realized that I am totally not over this person. How much of a suckfest is that? What makes it more complicated than ever is that... I have a complicated with him and with her. It's just impossible and hopeless. He is so in love with her. So without further analysis, I just convinced myself again that I'll be over it.

And I am going into the day again with a convinced mind that whatever emotions I have for a certain creature does not exist. A night changed that again. A night of call. A call that only an impulsive me would do.

I looked down again as I grip tighter to what I'm holding. Are you kidding me? Am I really going to go through this all over again. Should I convince myself again that I do not have anything for this person? Could I ever really be over it?

What if this time is different? He's free. Free of the complication that seem to encircle us back then. Could he see me? Would he even realize that I'm the only one who would be willing to be there for him right now? Or would I just be going back to convincing myself again?

Convince myself that I'm not asking for anything more. I'm here because of you and whatever it is inside your freaking head. I could convince myself again that I'm over it. That I could get over it. I could do that if it's the only way to stay sane and get into your head. I could convince myself that even if you're free, it's still impossible for you to see.

I could convince myself of many things but the only problem is,even if several years pass I'll be coming back right back to your memory.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


One hot day, out of boredom and laziness, I decided to watch something that I have watched before. I opened this drawer where I stuff all the DVDs I've bought in the past and my hand landed on One Tree Hill. I chose from Seasons 1-4 and since I really wanted to reminisce, I just decided to watch the third season.
In this season, Haley and Nathan was just thinking of a divorce, well, just Nathan. He wanted it because Haley kind of went off with Chris Keller.
So anywaaaayy, my point is, there is this episode where Lucas and Haley would just see their predictions. The ones they have made the previous year and they are going to make a new one. An idea struck my head.
I WILL do the same thing. I will predict this coming academic year. And my life as well. hahaha!

So first on my list is.

I WILL MOVE ON. I will move on from the guy I never got anything from. Well, aside from mixed signals and confused emotions and lots of complains. I'm finally setting myself free of his negativity and try to live the life I wanted for myself.

DUH. I'm Ayeen Atienza, I am so better than him.

I know, I know. That's the spirit.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010


What is wrong with me?
I've never wanted to be skinny, white and pretty until now. I'm so obsessed with getting this tummy flat and having my skin color whiter than the usual! I've never used products that would help me have a "flawless" skin until now.
I've never wanted this so much. And I want my hair to be perfect!
UGH. What in the world is happening. It's just shocking. I never wanted to be one of those people who think so much on how they look.

I just feel like I have to. I have to look good this time.

Oh wait, I just wanted to get toned.

With my color and my body.

Saturday, May 1, 2010


" What happens when someone breaks your heart?

When someone breaks your heart, first you are shocked. Someone will say that you are heartbroken and you examine the words break and heart and heartbroken and you immediately decide that it's inaccurate. You feel pain in the region of your heart and you think it's your heart breaking, but one's heart doesn't really break, something else does - faith. You stop believing.

No, not in the big things which most of the time are irrelevant. You still believe in God or Buddha or some Supreme Being, you still believe that child prostitution is bad. You just stop believing on the small things that you do, the small things that give meaning to your daily life, and you begin to think that everything is pointless: Why get up? Why dress up? Why breathe in and out? What for? What for?

When someone breaks your heart (your faith), you stop believing and you switch off the lights inside your heart.Someone is home but that someone is lying in the dark, in the room farthest from the gate, and that someone can't hear anything. Friends, parents, they all call out to her from the gate ("Come out" which means "Move on") but they are unheard, unseen, unacknowledged.

When someone breaks your heart, you turn into a small ball of self-pity. You lie in bed, in a ball. You hug your knees, keeping them close to your chest, like a fetus. Freud said it's human instinct to go back to the womb where we can feel safe.

But that's what happens when someone breaks your heart --- they steal the very thing that makes you feel safe, whole, intact."

---Teri Marana, a character from the book Mr. Write