Monday, February 14, 2011

In between choices.

I never really understood when someone shuts some people, important people, out of their life. They do this with the words "I need to find myself." I honestly didn't understand that. Why? Do people really get to the point of being lost?

Yes. I think they do. This is exactly what I've been feeling for the last days. I've done something terrible and I think I'm suffering the consequences right now. I always try to tell the important people in my life that I am where I am supposed to be. That God has still that future ahead of me --which I still believe is true. I've survived a month with positive thoughts and I had a lot of desires burning in my heart until misery caught up with me. Can I not really outrun negativity?

I am lost right now. I know I've said it before but I honestly feel like crap. I'm trying to convince everyone that it's okay. I try to convince myself every morning that things will fall into place. But I still feel like crap.

And I guess that's why people re-build their walls. Keep every people out again and get to know themselves a little more. I just want to be away from the lives of the people I treasure and once I treasured. I want to walk out of their lives because I feel so down and I don't want to pretend in front of them anymore. Maybe the lying is what makes it so difficult. Lying that everything is alright -- when it's obviously not.

I once told a friend that I am going to delete my Twitter and Tumblr down. And maybe I'll get Facebook too. I just feel so bad right now I don't want anyone seeing what's happening in my life. I will walk again into their lives when I'm up again. When I've decided who I want to be. When I've finally outrun negativity.

I'll go back when I'm whole again.

When I've finally found myself.

I know it sounds crap. So please, forgive me.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Short Hair, Check!

I had a haircut over at Bench Fix Salon last week and I am quite contented with the outcome. It's been a week and it still has its volume. :)

BTW, I want this haircolor. And I'm still thinking whether to have this or brown. :|

Kang Hae-Na, My Fair Lady (2010)

Your eyes. Your eyes.

So, today I've watched clips over at Youtube on how to clean make up brushes and as well as make up sponges. And I was successful at cleaning them.

Make-up I need to have. Please when I have money.

DISCLAIMER : I do not have full knowledge of make-up and I do not own professional ones. And I don't know what to call some of it.And the right brands. So please don't be offended or insulted if I called some things wrong :D

1.) Black Eyeshadow Cream

2.) Liquid Eyeliner

3.)Brow brush

4.) Glitter eyeliner

5.)Eye shadow brush

And I honestly want to this make-up:

But I am Asian so I have monolids. But hey, I shall try.

PS: Pictures not mine. Just searched Google. :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Damn, Regret.

As much as I want to appear strong and answer the question "What are your regrets in life" with a nothing, I would come clean.

I haven't lived my life to the fullest because I've always chosen to be on the sidewalk, where it is very much safe from trouble. I've been a safe player, or you can even consider that as not playing at all. I dislike risks. I don't go out of the house without even knowing how to get back. I don't take chances without checking out if the favors are with me. I know that there are a lot of things that I wish I did. It may be hard to believe but these aren't the things that bother me at night.

Whenever I ask myself some nights about the thing that I regret the most, I turn on my bed and hold the rosary that has always been beside my pillow.

I was little. I can't even remember what age I was but I remember that I can't reach the top of the pew in the Church. I was nearly four when I woke up to the day that changed my life. I still remember it clearly in my head. I was sitting on the high chair my father had made. We were eating breakfast when my parents suddenly noticed that something is different with my face. And I guess the rest is history.

I grew up with a religious culture. I was enrolled in a private school that are headed by Reverends and priests. Whenever I would go to church, I would always pray to be healed. My mom would always tell me at night that Jesus will do some miracle, that eventually, things will fall on how it used to be. I prayed. Every night I will pray and every morning I would expect to see a different face in the mirror. Sadly, it didn't change.Days, months and even years has passed.

And then there goes my regret. I stopped praying. When I hit the age of ten, I've stopped praying for a miracle. I've stopped expecting a new face in the mirror. That's when I've stopped believing that things will change. I've stopped believing in this thing they call miracle.

I've been through a rough patch in years and I would say that if it weren't for those hard times, I won't know Joel Osteen's book. I know that I've said this a lot but his books really did save my life. And this sickness may have taken some things from me but now I do know that God will restore things for me.

So I know it may take some years again to wait for that miracle but this time I have learned. Prayers work. It may not be in time where you thought you needed the most but it will work in His perfect timing.

So if I could advise one thing, don't stop praying. God hears you. He's listening. He's not moving away from you. And he can never disown his own child. You are His child. Always remember that.

Then No One Knows

"They say you have no memory of pain, and this proves it. They say we only remember the fact that something causes pain -- fire burns, knives cut -- but we're incapable of remembering the pain itself. That's why after the trauma of childbirth, women are ready to have a baby again a few months later. That's why, I guess, we fall in love again."

-- Vince Teves, Vince's Life (The Wedding)