WHAT A CRAZY WORLD I LIVE IN.

it's stunning and frustrating on how twist of fate plays you on.

i was there. ready to move on from a relationship that was only close enough to be created. it was frustrating. i wouldn't say it was painful but i did missed him. he totally vanished once he realized that i had no meaning in his life. that she was more important.--i was never close to the word "important" anyway.

i found an arena to channel my thoughts . so there's this place i feel belonged at times and i feel to dumb to be there often. i never knew that i could find another frustration.

there are patterns on how a guy catches my eye...then my heart. it always starts with constant exchange of glances. and i always meet his eyes. the problem is... i think he's taken and i think he's too smart or too perfect to be reached. i just wanted to raise my freaking hand to wave at him and say hello but all i can do was look... at him as if i don't know him. and i think that goes for him too.

it's weird. when you're not waiting for something else to come and once you're ready... nothing comes.

and that's one of the games i don't think i'll ever be prepared of.

GOTTA GET NEXT TO YOU

im envious with this one person i used to criticize. i admire the way she writes. her courage is very different that she can blog about the person she loves without using any codenames but real names!! brave brave girl. and maybe there are some similiraties that she and i have. i didn't fall in love with a bestfriend. or i didn't fall in love with a friend who liked another friend.--i was just quite close to it. the point is. we both like someone who doesn't like us...i like the way she blogs though it pisses me off at times. she's very straightforward and she isn't scared to face the consequences.

there are times when i just want to have this honest conversation with this one person but i can't because im too coward to know the truth. either i'm afraid i'll be hurt or im not ready to face complications.

haaaayyy.
there's this one event that i could call a twist in my life. the problem was... i was too awkward to face it. to act real and try to decode things a little further. i hate it. i hate being unprepared. i came into this battle no one knows and i'm trying to fight something i don't know if it really exists.

you know what they say that music says something a person can't? well, i think i found the song. for the moment.

NEXT TO YOU * JORDIN SPARKS

Two o' clock and I wish that I was sleeping
You're in my head like a song on the radio
All I know is I got to get next to you
Yeah I got to get next to you
Sitting here turning minutes into hours
To find the nerve just to call you on the telephone
'Cause You don't know that I got to get next to you

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you (I got to get next to you)

I asked around and I heard that you were talking
Told my girl that you thought I was out of your league
What a fool, I got to get next to you, whoa
Yeah it's five in the morning and I can't go to sleep
'Cause I wish, yeah I wish that you knew what you mean to me
Baby let's get together and end this mystery, oh

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?
Yeah, yeah, to want to get next to you

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Baby call me crazy
But I know you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I got to get next to you

to the person i dedicate this song. if ever he pass by... i know he won't.
i just want to say i'm sorry. im sorry for being unprepared. for being so stupid on falling for the trap you didn't mean to make. i'm sorry that i chose to say the truth rather than lie. i'm sorry i'm too weak to be comfortable. i'm sorry for misunderstanding and thinking that somehow there's this connection on you too. i'm sorry for crushing on your friend but it's you i really like... and believe me, i really don't know why. i'm sorry for making this public--don't worry no one reads this crap. :D
i'm sorry that i do want to talk to you so much but as soon as i see you smile...i just melt cause it's brighter than sunshine! i'm sorry that i can't look back when you look at me cause it pains me that i chose not to come too close cause i dont trust myself.
i'm sorry i don't have enough patience to tell you on how wonderful you are... and how many would actually want to know you.
i'm sorry that i've driven myself a bit crazy. don't worry it's not because of you.
i think i just drove MYSELF in this path.

and you know i want to talk to you right now but i don't know what i would say.

i hate myself--for being weak.

and i'm sorry that i can't change you even if i really really want to! i want to see you smile stress-free a bit. but i can't. cause i'm weak. im weak of changing myself to change you.

oh. now i've got dramatic as she is.
and i like it.

:|ayeenatienza

SO TWISTED.

isn't it wonderful when you just let everything out to the person involved? i used to be scared and confused on telling. but when the person was there to ask me, i had several thoughts. to lie, laugh it off and pretend it was a joke. but i chose to admit. i was caught off guard anyway. i also thought that if that person would know and if that would snob me after that, it would be alright. it must be God's way of answering some prayers.
but it was weird. the person was a bit relaxed about it--i think. so after several hours i had a realization slash paranoia that maybe he is just being kind. and i don't want to take advantage of that kindness. i feel like that i might have been pushing myself to that person. maybe he needs some space and the person may not be that comfortable about it anymore. so if that's what he wants. im giving it. im giving it...
so here i am again trying to live another day planless.
btw, i woke up last night crying. darn it. i don't freaking know why and all i can remember is this weird feeling of realizing that if a person is going away.... if that person is going away..

oh, i don't even want to think about it.

:|ayeenatienza

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF.

I now have two korean boyfriends! :D

He is So Yi Jung of Boys Before Flowers. Member of the famous group in Shinhwa, the F4. Known as a Casanova. But who could blame him? his charm and smile are just irresistable. Very rich, a sculptor, he has good looks, he's kind and has really smooth moves.

i just don't know if he's a player. but he will surely break your heart when he leaves you. but then again, you'll come chasing after him!!

awwww. i can't get enough of him. his character, the way he walks and the way he smiles. ugh, another weakness.

but he's in highschool and a lot of girls chase him! so what's your chance on getting into his heart?

don't worry. he WILL fall in love with a lower middle class. hmmmmm... but will he break her heart?

portrayed by KIM BUM! very very very handsome!!!! and he was born in 1989. hmmm.

:)ayeenatienza

*boys before flowers is currently airing in korea. :D

LEFT BEHIND

i might be feeling a bit dramatic lately. maybe it started with this dream that might sound weird but i do know that there is some interpretation to it.

the other night, i had a dream. a cat is running after me. i went inside the master's bedroom and locked myself there. i texted my friends to help me. no one's replying. it's so frustrating. i don't know why but the next thing i remembered is the cat bit me not just once but twice! the cat bit me on the ankle. it damn hurts! i texted again my friends for help. no one seems to care. no one's there. so i just sat there in pain. i don't know what hurts more. the bites of the cat or no one was there. it was sad.

it's the same feeling i have at the moment. i feel so alone. i feel like no one's checking on me. i do check on them. but it seems like no one cares.

it's just sad. i'm the farthest away from them.
and honestly, the last time i saw them. i felt like an outcast.


and if i can't bear the pain of being out of the circle..

i might begin not to care.

:(ayeenatienza

why should i care?
you weren't there when i was scared.
I WAS SO ALONE.

emo much? :)

I FOUND MY BOYFRIEND :)

i was just watching a series where my favorite korean actress, kim jung wha, stars. awwww. LOVE LOVE LOVE Sun-Woo!! A rebel, ran away from home but still makes his own money. at age 20!! a music lover. a great pianist! :D and trust me, he would never ever want to see a girl cry. he's shy when he meets your parents and if your mom says his clothes are not good and the color of his hair sucks...trust me he'll change it for you and your mom. By the way, he can paint too!! :)) HAN SUN-WOO! :)) (the character is portrayed by Lee Wan)

but of course.. HE'S TAKEN! .awwww. :))

by the pretty ma young-hee :)

i forgot how much i love..

homepage opened. there's this all american rejects' cover of womanizer. then there's this buy you a drink cover of jesse McCartney. so i searched youtube for his video of 'it's over' and i found episodes of hannah montana and suite life of zac and cody where he's at.

awww. i love him. i prefer his hair blonde rather than his hair now. haha!!
but i love him. there's this episode where he sang 'beautiful soul' i just love him!
london and maddie are FUNNY!

who would have thought?

here i was trying so hard to think of a plot of a story to write. my friend was right,i am surrounded by real drama. and the story i've been trying so hard to do is just there dancing in front of my eyes.

look at him. look at his eyes bouncing from bliss. look at his face. he's so in love. who would have thought that the constant teasing from people around them would actually lead to this certain understanding. what a lovely story to write. just the sight of them together would make their audience smile.with joy. with kilig.

look at the bully. his nonstop pang-aasar. see her patience. her optimism. she's down to earth. she's happy. no wonder she seems so blooming for the past weeks. now i know why.

if i could watch a series, it's their story i'm going to watch. i won't get tired. if it was in DVD, i could rewind it over and over.

such a lovely pair.

there's this another story. the heaven vs the earth. could a man simply break a wall with just a heart? could love really conquer all? of course, we can never tell. but if i were to pen this story. i'd choose the one with the heart and the effort for the girl who has everything.
but it's too complicated that sometimes.. i don't even want to talk about it.

hmmmmm....

:D ayeenatienza

the thing about love

when someone tells "i love you", you don't go running away and ask them to not look for you.

i was watching an excerpt of the latest episode of Gossip Girl. Chuck and Blair are love. and i just realized this.

i think no one says "i love you" and mean it without them knowing that there is a huge chance that the person they're telling love them back too.
i don't know. i think it just goes like that or something.
and i told someone that i could say the words "i love you" as a joke. well, i lied. it's one of the sentences that are hard to tell. for me. :D

do you expect me to believe i was the only one to fall...

if there's any song i want to sing with my off tune voice in his face, it would be avril's "why"

a week ago i was thinking that i might actually have been over this certain person but as i try to solve the freaking problems for my final exams, i found myself thinking about what he said. what he did and what he is doing.

i'm tired of chasing. i think. i got so tired that i honestly want to stop liking him and i was praying so hard that i could be like Jacob in the twilight saga. praying to find another one. another one who would send some sparks in my eyes. but hell, i just can't find anyone else.

i inhaled and exhaled frustratingly thinking about what the hell is his problem messing up in my head and messing up with what i feel.

tiring. i dropped my pencil and pushed away the scratch papers and pulled a yellow paper to make something out of what i feel.

how does it feel to hold a string attached to me?
how easy it is to pull me close when you need me.
it's unbelievable on how you can leave me and still have every piece of me.
it's frustrating to thing on how you can be
to have power of control and to you i have NONE at all
staring at scribbles on a paper i can't equate properly.
just like you and me.

see. even bad feelings have fruits.

:)ayeenatienza

always heard.

everytime i look at her i feel nothing but envy. she seemed so perfect. she has a happy family, a huge barkada, a nice smile, long straight black her, she seemed spoiled, she is good in writing, she has class, she has everything she ever wanted. maybe the climax of it all is seeing her getting her dreams all moved to reality.
i was the envious girl.
i texted up a friend to tell all the sentiments and how i where i am. far from up there. how i could not even get to the dean's list, or how can't i go to the organization party i want to attend. i can't even write with a lot of sense. she then said something that made me realize on how good i was.
she doesn't have nice legs, as yours. she's not sexy. and you can write,too. not just as good as her.

and she was right. i am good. i may not be up there, but i've got a lot down here. if that's how i see it. i have tons of friends,real friends. i may not have the face, but i guess my humor and wit are enough to make others to be drawn into me. i'm trying to make a story. not so good, but i'm happy im able to materialize them.

i never actually believed in myself. i didn't know why. i just always felt like i have to give something more. and maybe just like what my colorgenics said, i'm capable of more things that i think i can.

hmmm. i just hope someone or something could trigger for that to come out.
cause i really can't wait on who i'm going to be.

:)ayeenatienza

realization.

sometimes if you just believe in yourself. even the opinions of the ones you love.

won't matter.

:)

sorrow lasts through this night.

we were there jumping and rolling from laughter. when suddenly, the turn of events had changed that and left us all crying and silent.

the best part of it was that we're all together.
even in sorrow

:)ayeenatienza

I CAN'T F-IN HANDLE THIS

I AM SO SCREWED IF YOU ONLY KNOW!
AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANOTHER DRAMA.
DAMN.
I CAN'T HELP IT ANYMORE.
THIS IS TAKING ALL OF ME!
AND IT'S SUFFOCATING.

IT MAKES ME DIE.
LITTLE BY LITTLE.

100th

ooh, it's my one hundredth entry here! and i don't know what to talk about in here. i'm thinking school,blogging, friends,cousing,or BOYS. haha!

i'm a bit tired.not because of school and not because of doing som much things (if i have done anything) haha!

i'm tired of certain situation that keeps on happening over and over again. no matter how we pray for it to be fixed, it just can't and i really have no idea why. it's been a long time and the damage has been already huge. that at this point in time, i really don't know if we could still fix it, and if ever we were able to fix it, i don't think things will go back to way they were. it's just frustrating. seeing things back then, and seeing it now. they were just different. i felt like moving into a new dimension but i know i can't just leave the other one behind. but it's hurting. and it's not just me.

and i'm wondering if the others are hurting too.
i really hope they were.

anyhow,two days of school have passed. and i was so drenched in the rain on the first day. and only few professors show up! but it's not as tiring as last term's. :)

my one hundredth entry sucks!
damn.

a new day has come...

when frustration strikes at one time. i felt depressed. and i can't even manage to smile.
i say i think. but actually, i wasn't in the mood for talking.
a part of me wanted to go home, a part didn't.

i waited. i waited for someone to make me smile.giddy.and happy.

i stared the endless sight.

and then, there was a glimpse of you.

i smiled.

and the bliss started.

i thank God you came.

emotionally disturbed

so i am in school today. and i feel something going on inside of me.
i received a text from mom which says, "may class ka ba ngayon, pwede ba kitang tawagan?" and as usual, i've read it late. and i started wondering what i did wrong this time. i fear that maybe she has read the latest entry in my diary. or she found out that i didn't make it enough on my last calculus exam. i wondered on and on. i started getting nervous and not wanting to go back home. beucase again, i just kept on wondering.

so i guess that's it.

i don't want to take things granted. but i just give in with the people around me.

it sucks.

:( ayeenatienza

i wish i could see him.

here...

i've been thinking.

i wanted to get rid of someone's thoughts in my head so much that i think..

i think..

i am forcing myself to like someone.

who's going to give the same experience i had with the one i was trying so hard to forget.

how's that?

pathetic huh?

:)ayeenatienza

one morning of frustration

i attended angel's debut last night. but i wasn't tired. probably because i was happy last night. too happy. and i don't know why. :)

so i came to my three- hour class late. fifteen minutes late. but that's not important anyway.

because i can't even solve this ONE ARRAY PROBLEM. none of us could. some has already started but all i can write was main, then print and everything in between. i am so frustrated. i kind of promised myself that i would do better. so i could still stay at la salle for the rest of the years. but this is just a disaster. i don't even know a thing. i've googled a lot of things. and still i got nothing.
this computer wont read my USB where angelica's lecture notes on C++ are. IT SUCKS. :)

so one hour left and i still could not figure out on how to establish this problem.
i don't even know how to start.

sad :(

PS: i just remembered this question in my head back then. it goes something like this.

if you want to change, where do you actually begin?

i've become a JLC and BEA fan. :)

it's like this. i saw the trailer of i love betty la fea in abscbn one night. all the characters were shown except for one -- Armando.
so i searched "i love betty" over the internet, youtube to be exact. instead, i found
"kay tagal kang hinintay" series and i just started watching where bea and john lloyd began. it was so dramatic! the lines were heavy. i love how yuri(JLC) flirts with kat(bea) at first. haha! i love love love love them now! i love them back then, but now i am quite addicted to it.

i want to buy "one more chance" dvd because i did not have the chance to watch it before. and i want close to you dvd too cause i can't remember the story. all i know is,it is about best friends. :) hahaha!! man, i am really addicted. :)