In between choices.

I never really understood when someone shuts some people, important people, out of their life. They do this with the words "I need to find myself." I honestly didn't understand that. Why? Do people really get to the point of being lost?

Yes. I think they do. This is exactly what I've been feeling for the last days. I've done something terrible and I think I'm suffering the consequences right now. I always try to tell the important people in my life that I am where I am supposed to be. That God has still that future ahead of me --which I still believe is true. I've survived a month with positive thoughts and I had a lot of desires burning in my heart until misery caught up with me. Can I not really outrun negativity?

I am lost right now. I know I've said it before but I honestly feel like crap. I'm trying to convince everyone that it's okay. I try to convince myself every morning that things will fall into place. But I still feel like crap.

And I guess that's why people re-build their walls. Keep every people out again and get to know themselves a little more. I just want to be away from the lives of the people I treasure and once I treasured. I want to walk out of their lives because I feel so down and I don't want to pretend in front of them anymore. Maybe the lying is what makes it so difficult. Lying that everything is alright -- when it's obviously not.

I once told a friend that I am going to delete my Twitter and Tumblr down. And maybe I'll get Facebook too. I just feel so bad right now I don't want anyone seeing what's happening in my life. I will walk again into their lives when I'm up again. When I've decided who I want to be. When I've finally outrun negativity.

I'll go back when I'm whole again.

When I've finally found myself.

I know it sounds crap. So please, forgive me.