Take Me Back To The Start

I can't believe I have not written anything in this year. This is the first, I guess.

Well, like the title suggests, I feel like I am back to the start. It is like my life has come to a full circle and fate had just decided that it is finally time to correct the wrongs. I still continue to refuse doing anything that is productive and beneficial for my existence. What am I doing? Again with that question.

I'll just cross my fingers and hope that things turn out differently this time. Now, what to do for a different outcome?

Doubt & Inadequacy

It's creeping in. It is slowly creeping in -- the doubt. The self-doubt whether I would make it. Would I? It's been almost two months since review started and I have failed miserable on exams. I failed to catch up on reading homeworks, I failed to continuously solve problems in Take Home Exams. I failed and it scares me.

Will I make it?

It's less than a week before GEAS and EST crash down on me and load me up with more information. I felt like I wasn't serious enough. I started doubting with my inadequacy.

I am lacking.

Aside from the fact that I can't keep myself from getting online and get myself lost on trivial matters, I can't get myself to study because I feel like I don't understand a thing.

Why am I undergoing these things again?

Oh, it's because I have a dream.

And what was I sacrificing for it?

So far, none.

And it sucks... BIG TIME.

The stress that is graduation. :))

Usually people look forward to graduation but I, on the other hand, just want to get over with it. It's taking so much time.

Well it takes so much time because my school is lame. It doesn't conduct it's own pictorial and they don't fix the schedule so we might as well just go and find another place. I am still thinking on what to do with my creative shot or should I still do it? I have this clearance to fix and recollection to attend do. Maybe I'm just being a whiny bitch because I wanted to dedicate every available time for studying.

I feel very frustrated because I am not making it on Periodic Evaluation Examinations. This is probably due to the fact that I do not dedicate 100% of me to studying. Like now, I am on Facebook.. and here. But I'm on FB only because I have this pictorial thing I have to arrange. And it falls on a Friday.

Anyway. I just wanted to get this over with.

Oh, I still need to shop for a dress, shoes, accessories, hair products, make-up for grad. I'm doing my own make-up and hair cause the salon people have this tendency of overdoing things. When I graduated in highschool I looked like something I can't even describe. My face was so brown and it felt like I was wearing n layers of make-up. It didn't feel good.

So this graduation, I am doing my own make-up using my knowledge I've acquired through FB. I'm still thinking if I'd go thru with all the contouring.

So there. Time for Trig and Geometry.

PAPEMELROTI LOVE.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been in this store. It is just lovely in there like I can be in there whole day just looking around the papers. I know that this room is already full of papers but I just couldn’t resist Papemelroti’s brilliant designs.

 I bought these three note pads. The one on the leftmost is a full pad, I think it has more pages while the other two is only considered as half pad. There are so many good designs. I honestly wanted to buy them all but I know I wouldn't use all of them so I just decided to settle with three. They a

Php 16.00

This is the first one I've picked. I picked it because it's witty... well, in my opinion. It's not your typical writing pad because it has words as its design. So here are the stuff written.

Today: I am a (only choose one)
( ) wilted rose
( ) speeding freight train
( ) fluffy cloud
( ) bubbling brook

*then your space for writing*

At the bottom,
explain why
.................................................

 

Php 14.00

This is the second one I've picked. I got it because it's very positive. I mean if I were feeling down and I needed some inspiration, I can look at this and it could give me a little hope. Written at the top are the words,

Look at the  bright side.

I can write my school projects in here. Especially the ones I'm not really good at.

 

Php 14.00

Thank god, I saw this! I think this is very appropriate for me because I really like writing. Not writing in a sense of poetry or story, nothing fabulous. I just gather words I see and turn them in this doodle that people are always weirded out. Hahaha! Anyway, I've got a lot of feelings and some of them can be written here. :))

I wish I can visit this store again! I just love it.

First things first, I'm going to start writing down something.

/ayeenatienza

Different but No Difference

It's a different term. It's a different day. BUT the time is the same. The pace is the same. It's the same frustration. Programming again. I didn't get it again. I can't quite figure it out again. Stayed out last night trying to see if I can actually go around the algorithm, but I wasn't able to. Aside from my brain could not think any further, I just don't think that I can.

Well, anyway, here goes my professor explaining the algorithm.
I wonder what goes around inside 'fft'.

/ayeenatienza

We Turn 4 :)

May 24, 2011. JJADM, my dear college circle, just turned 4 yesterday! Happy to be included in this circle. We had differences but they didn't get in the way of our dear friendship.







Taken during Jang's 20th birthday over at Sambokujin. :)

I MISS THEM ALREADY!

ENTRY # 176

For some unknown reason, I was always fascinated by pen and paper. If I go to a bookstore, I make sure I come out of it with either a new pen or a new paper.

And sometimes it makes me sad to just let it go.

Whatever the unknown reason is.

In between choices.

I never really understood when someone shuts some people, important people, out of their life. They do this with the words "I need to find myself." I honestly didn't understand that. Why? Do people really get to the point of being lost?

Yes. I think they do. This is exactly what I've been feeling for the last days. I've done something terrible and I think I'm suffering the consequences right now. I always try to tell the important people in my life that I am where I am supposed to be. That God has still that future ahead of me --which I still believe is true. I've survived a month with positive thoughts and I had a lot of desires burning in my heart until misery caught up with me. Can I not really outrun negativity?

I am lost right now. I know I've said it before but I honestly feel like crap. I'm trying to convince everyone that it's okay. I try to convince myself every morning that things will fall into place. But I still feel like crap.

And I guess that's why people re-build their walls. Keep every people out again and get to know themselves a little more. I just want to be away from the lives of the people I treasure and once I treasured. I want to walk out of their lives because I feel so down and I don't want to pretend in front of them anymore. Maybe the lying is what makes it so difficult. Lying that everything is alright -- when it's obviously not.

I once told a friend that I am going to delete my Twitter and Tumblr down. And maybe I'll get Facebook too. I just feel so bad right now I don't want anyone seeing what's happening in my life. I will walk again into their lives when I'm up again. When I've decided who I want to be. When I've finally outrun negativity.

I'll go back when I'm whole again.

When I've finally found myself.

I know it sounds crap. So please, forgive me.

Your eyes. Your eyes.

So, today I've watched clips over at Youtube on how to clean make up brushes and as well as make up sponges. And I was successful at cleaning them.

Make-up I need to have. Please when I have money.

DISCLAIMER : I do not have full knowledge of make-up and I do not own professional ones. And I don't know what to call some of it.And the right brands. So please don't be offended or insulted if I called some things wrong :D

1.) Black Eyeshadow Cream



2.) Liquid Eyeliner



3.)Brow brush



4.) Glitter eyeliner



5.)Eye shadow brush



And I honestly want to this make-up:



But I am Asian so I have monolids. But hey, I shall try.


PS: Pictures not mine. Just searched Google. :)

Damn, Regret.

As much as I want to appear strong and answer the question "What are your regrets in life" with a nothing, I would come clean.

I haven't lived my life to the fullest because I've always chosen to be on the sidewalk, where it is very much safe from trouble. I've been a safe player, or you can even consider that as not playing at all. I dislike risks. I don't go out of the house without even knowing how to get back. I don't take chances without checking out if the favors are with me. I know that there are a lot of things that I wish I did. It may be hard to believe but these aren't the things that bother me at night.

Whenever I ask myself some nights about the thing that I regret the most, I turn on my bed and hold the rosary that has always been beside my pillow.

I was little. I can't even remember what age I was but I remember that I can't reach the top of the pew in the Church. I was nearly four when I woke up to the day that changed my life. I still remember it clearly in my head. I was sitting on the high chair my father had made. We were eating breakfast when my parents suddenly noticed that something is different with my face. And I guess the rest is history.

I grew up with a religious culture. I was enrolled in a private school that are headed by Reverends and priests. Whenever I would go to church, I would always pray to be healed. My mom would always tell me at night that Jesus will do some miracle, that eventually, things will fall on how it used to be. I prayed. Every night I will pray and every morning I would expect to see a different face in the mirror. Sadly, it didn't change.Days, months and even years has passed.

And then there goes my regret. I stopped praying. When I hit the age of ten, I've stopped praying for a miracle. I've stopped expecting a new face in the mirror. That's when I've stopped believing that things will change. I've stopped believing in this thing they call miracle.

I've been through a rough patch in years and I would say that if it weren't for those hard times, I won't know Joel Osteen's book. I know that I've said this a lot but his books really did save my life. And this sickness may have taken some things from me but now I do know that God will restore things for me.

So I know it may take some years again to wait for that miracle but this time I have learned. Prayers work. It may not be in time where you thought you needed the most but it will work in His perfect timing.

So if I could advise one thing, don't stop praying. God hears you. He's listening. He's not moving away from you. And he can never disown his own child. You are His child. Always remember that.

CROSSROAD.

I think one of the tragedies in life is having to make a decision on choosing between your heart and your head.

I've never been in this situation before because I always knew what I wanted, unlike now.

My head is thinking something while my heart is beating something else. What do I exactly do?

I guess this is the part where they say you've got to know yourself first. You have to know whether you have a better head or a better heart.

And I've always thought I've never had a heart.

What now?