RUN MORE CIRCLES IN MY HEAD.

Who knew a person could mess in my head this much.

Gaaaddd, what the eff is happening to me?

I can't do anything because there's nothing in my head but you.

Jeez, I have tons of things to do and I'm so pissed with myself.

Don't you see what you're doing to me?

I can't believe this. I'm not even that close to you and yet everything about you bothers me soooo much!
I don't need this right now. I don't need another frustration.

And yet everything I do leads to you.

You pull me so much.
That how strong your gravity is.

Can't I just get over this?
please.

Oh My, Josh!

if only the wedding ring didn't exist. :|

Mister

First day of the month when he caught my eye

His gaze rescued me just when I was about to die

Nearly lifeless, didn't even want to try

But he was everything I wanted in a guy

And the only chance to be with him is to become a lie.

-07.19

ZEN ME BAN

160th post! :D
I don't know what is freaking wrong with this week or what's even wrong with me? I feel like I've been down since weekend and I can't shake the feeling off no matter how hard I try to channel my thoughts on other stuffs. Ugh.

Maybe this is what you get when you don't attend mass on a Sunday. I admit, I was kind of lazy to go to mass last Sunday for two reasons. First, it's raining hard and second, I was alone at home.

I wasn't productive last weekend even though in my mind, I knew I had tons of things to do.

Oh wait, now I realize when everything just started to feel wrong. I woke up pretty late last Monday and I can't even go back to my usual schedule. Damn.

What to do? What to do?

I'm so freaking messed up that even reading can't pick me up anymore.

Gaaaadddd, I'm so frustrated.

BOREDOM BLUES

I was bored in my only class today so I just decided to write a song but I couldn't get a feel of a chorus so I just wrote down anything that comes on my head since the lecture isn't helping in any way.
So.So.So.
I've been dying to write another song in ages and you need a strong emotion to make one. Maybe this feeling isn't so strong yet that's why I can't complete it.
NO TITLE YET.

I talked to my heart this morning
I've done nothing but some convincing
That I'm over you
I hope I'm over you

I took a step to move forward
Then you said something awkward
It pulled my heart back to you
I wished I just ran away from you

I looked at my face in the mirror
Looking for the traces of horror
Of the only thing you left in me
Why don't you just let me be

--so there is where I keep myself hanging from the words that this certain feeling holds. I can't finish it and find the right words for it. I hope that I can make a really good chorus for this one.

I should be studying by now.

:)ayeenatienza

PS: Oooohh, maybe I should entitle this one as "Step and Set Back."

:|

PICK ME UP HERE

This is the book my mom has bought me after I had a very very tough moment in my life. At first, I was insanely mad with her for buying me such an expensive book. I thought I already knew its contents but I was wrong. This book, “Your best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential” by Joel Osteen, is now officially my pick-me-upper book. Everytime I feel down and I feel like I’m going to back to my old self, who sees everything on the negative side of life, I just read this book. It always reminds me on who I want to be and it teaches me on how to get there. It’s all about the positivity!

I’m just halfway through the book. Chapter 4 talks about letting go of the past. I used to be one of those people who hang on to their sadness because the drama gets sympathy from people. I realized that I don’t need drama. The drama has dragged me down already and it’s about time to pick myself up and make a further step to the future. I’m so thankful that this book is now in my hands. It has been helping me for the past couple of months.

What’s your ultimate pick-me-upper?

FIXED AT ZERO.

VersaEmerge's latest album, Fixed at Zero. This is the latest music in my ears.
Sierra's lyrics hit me like a ball that I felt it in every nerve of my system. I could relate to some of the songs specially, "You'll Never Know". It felt like resisting into something that you know you've already fallen into. "Fixed at Zero" describes my life for the past years. Doing everything you can and still not moving forward. "Mind Reader" is IN MY OPINION, someone about who knows your moves, someone who thinks they know you too well but they don't. Someone who does the decision for you, the choices for you but for all they know you just want to head to the opposite side.
This album is really rocking. It has been a week and I'm still hanging onto it. I hope I could memorize any of the songs through repetition of playing.

Go Download their album or buy it in iTunes! These people are really great artists!

Life songs > Love songs

:)ayeenatienza

IT'S MORE THAN EENIE MEENIE

I'm a very indecisive person, well I'm a girl so basically I have the right to be one. I say my plans out loud but in my head there's a louder voice saying I'm not going to do those things that I said. It's not that I can't, I just don't want to.

Here's the thing. I believe that every time I feel like I'm alone or left behind, I always go back to something I used to do. Something that makes me happy that makes me forget that I was left behind. I just want to slap in their faces that they shouldn't be doing this to me because I am more than what they think I am. They can go ahead but I'll make sure they don't leave me behind cause I'm always prepared to haunt them down and remind them of the hurt that they have done to me.

That's how I've always been.

LOOKLET FEVER

My work just won't save that's why I just keep on printing the screen.
My Second looklet design. Something that I would definitely wear for school! Very casual! :)

SCHOOL RUSH:
Grab anything from your closet when you're late for school.

NOT MYSELF TONIGHT.

I know, I should be finishing our laboratory report but I chose to be swayed by my dear friend, Anna. She told me about this website and I swear that I resisted to visit it. Then she said about something that I can't remember anymore and next thing I know I'm already obsessed with it.
I'M SO SORRY for my weakness. Who can blame me? I'm just a girl staring at looklet.com wondering when can I have those clothes?

So just for trial, I made my first design or first mix or first whatever you call it.


So I just print screened it cause I can't wait for it to save. I entitled it "First" because I can't think of anything else right now aside from the fact that my laboratory report is hanging. Oh, well.

CAUSE HE'S FREE.

Have you ever closed your heart to the world because someone got it so down that it couldn't handle the gravity of what it feels anymore?
Then one day you just decide that it's time for it to be opened again? You are giving it another chance to wake up every morning hoping it could meet a new face that could make it alive again.

Out of the blue I just convinced myself that I was over it-- over with the frustration of not having him. I was so convinced that I was content with what we have. I thought I was happy just sitting beside him. A night changed all that. I was sitting beside him (yes!) as he roll down the window to see the full moon casts its light into a beautiful establishment that almost looked like a castle. It was a nice view. What I didn't know is that there is so much better view than the moon, so I took a risk, I gazed upon him. He was so awed with the moon like every single person I am with at that time. I forced my eyes to look down and realized that I am totally not over this person. How much of a suckfest is that? What makes it more complicated than ever is that... I have a complicated with him and with her. It's just impossible and hopeless. He is so in love with her. So without further analysis, I just convinced myself again that I'll be over it.

And I am going into the day again with a convinced mind that whatever emotions I have for a certain creature does not exist. A night changed that again. A night of call. A call that only an impulsive me would do.

I looked down again as I grip tighter to what I'm holding. Are you kidding me? Am I really going to go through this all over again. Should I convince myself again that I do not have anything for this person? Could I ever really be over it?

What if this time is different? He's free. Free of the complication that seem to encircle us back then. Could he see me? Would he even realize that I'm the only one who would be willing to be there for him right now? Or would I just be going back to convincing myself again?

Convince myself that I'm not asking for anything more. I'm here because of you and whatever it is inside your freaking head. I could convince myself again that I'm over it. That I could get over it. I could do that if it's the only way to stay sane and get into your head. I could convince myself that even if you're free, it's still impossible for you to see.

I could convince myself of many things but the only problem is,even if several years pass I'll be coming back right back to your memory.

NOSTALGIA.

One hot day, out of boredom and laziness, I decided to watch something that I have watched before. I opened this drawer where I stuff all the DVDs I've bought in the past and my hand landed on One Tree Hill. I chose from Seasons 1-4 and since I really wanted to reminisce, I just decided to watch the third season.
In this season, Haley and Nathan was just thinking of a divorce, well, just Nathan. He wanted it because Haley kind of went off with Chris Keller.
So anywaaaayy, my point is, there is this episode where Lucas and Haley would just see their predictions. The ones they have made the previous year and they are going to make a new one. An idea struck my head.
I WILL do the same thing. I will predict this coming academic year. And my life as well. hahaha!

So first on my list is.

I WILL MOVE ON. I will move on from the guy I never got anything from. Well, aside from mixed signals and confused emotions and lots of complains. I'm finally setting myself free of his negativity and try to live the life I wanted for myself.

DUH. I'm Ayeen Atienza, I am so better than him.

I know, I know. That's the spirit.

PS: I LOVE DAMON SALVATORE.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

What is wrong with me?
I've never wanted to be skinny, white and pretty until now. I'm so obsessed with getting this tummy flat and having my skin color whiter than the usual! I've never used products that would help me have a "flawless" skin until now.
WHAT IS FREAKING WRONG WITH ME?
I've never wanted this so much. And I want my hair to be perfect!
UGH. What in the world is happening. It's just shocking. I never wanted to be one of those people who think so much on how they look.

I just feel like I have to. I have to look good this time.

Oh wait, I just wanted to get toned.

With my color and my body.

THE BEST EXPLANATION I'VE EVER READ.

" What happens when someone breaks your heart?

When someone breaks your heart, first you are shocked. Someone will say that you are heartbroken and you examine the words break and heart and heartbroken and you immediately decide that it's inaccurate. You feel pain in the region of your heart and you think it's your heart breaking, but one's heart doesn't really break, something else does - faith. You stop believing.

No, not in the big things which most of the time are irrelevant. You still believe in God or Buddha or some Supreme Being, you still believe that child prostitution is bad. You just stop believing on the small things that you do, the small things that give meaning to your daily life, and you begin to think that everything is pointless: Why get up? Why dress up? Why breathe in and out? What for? What for?

When someone breaks your heart (your faith), you stop believing and you switch off the lights inside your heart.Someone is home but that someone is lying in the dark, in the room farthest from the gate, and that someone can't hear anything. Friends, parents, they all call out to her from the gate ("Come out" which means "Move on") but they are unheard, unseen, unacknowledged.

When someone breaks your heart, you turn into a small ball of self-pity. You lie in bed, in a ball. You hug your knees, keeping them close to your chest, like a fetus. Freud said it's human instinct to go back to the womb where we can feel safe.

But that's what happens when someone breaks your heart --- they steal the very thing that makes you feel safe, whole, intact."

---Teri Marana, a character from the book Mr. Write

TORMENTINGLY HOT.

The only thing that keeps my mind sane and my laptop calm is this electric fan that is less than a foot away from me. Well, I've been trying to download the pilot episode of 10 Things I Hate About You thrice already and I just couldn't find a good copy that doesn't cut after a minute. SUCKFEST and I think I have failed in downloading it again.

I've downloaded episode 2 of it successfully but I couldn't really get the first episode done! I'm freaking frustrated and my laptop has been on for five hours already. Oh for Pete's sake. Good thing I have a dose of Glee 1x15 or I'll be screwing my imagination later on.

Whew. What a week. I just want you to know on how I've witnessed a MIRACLE this week and I'm really grateful for it. REALLY REALLY GRATEFUL. It's true that you just have to look deep within your heart to be able to find what you really want and who you really are
and if you would ask for God's blessing, you would get it.

It's about letting it go and waiting for good things to land on your palm and cherish it and treasure it when it's already there. It's seldom that we get the chance we want so we've got to fight for it.

And to quote Paramore, "It's not a dream anymore, it's worth fighting for."

But for this downloading pilot episode, I think I'm going to rest for now.

And my entry is totally irrelevant to the title. IT'S JUST SO FREAKING HOT in here. seriously, I sprayed water on the ground to see how hot the weather is and I think the water drops evaporated even before they hit the ground.

I'm just saying.

WHEN THE WORLD IS CHASING YOU.

Did you know I bothered to but a little drawing book so that I could put my thoughts into drawing as well? Honestly, I wanted this art blanc notebook but it was expensive that I just decided to settle with a cheap one -- first.

SO. First, I'm not a good artist. I hate drawing but I love doodling. Second, I entitle this one as -- the world is chasing me. or I'm running away from the world. hahaha!
So here's a brief description. FYI, it's like I'm letting you peek into my journal. I just felt like there are tons of things to write so i just wanted to draw to express my frustration.

This is the exact thing I'm feeling right now. I just want to run away from the world. Run away and do things on my own without anyone interrupting me BUT I know it's going to be hard. So on the left side is the world that's chasing a little kid and the only way to escape is through hell. Can you believe that? haha.

So, have you ever felt that you just want to runaway. To escape reality and to leave everything behind to start anew.

I just wanted to know who I am and where I'm supposed to head. I know it's been years but I honestly want to be found cause I've been lost for a long time.

Or maybe, I just need to face the world.

PS: Is there anyone who reads this blog or something? Could you just tell me it's worth to write cause someone out there cares to read. Please.

:|

YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOUR WAY.

Wow. It's Black Saturday and in my honest opinion, I've done anything but productive. I'm downloading Matlab right now for my project that was announced a month ago but being the ever crammer.. I'm rushing it right now. Can you believe it? It's 3.3 GB and it's going to be taking FOR-E-VER to download this thing.

Here's my sentiment.

Have you ever done something with all your will and it just ends up like a crap. Cause I've been feeling that thing since I've started college. I've always set my eyes on a goal but it just goes somewhere where things should rot.

SOMETHING HAS JUST TO GO WRONG.

and I've been pissed for the past three years specially when I'm doing projects that are strangers to me.

That's why I've been starting to wonder if I'm meant to be here and I honestly don't know what I would do if this isn't the place I'm supposed to be in. It sucks. I just want to skip some steps and be where I could truly do what I'm supposed to.

and I'm still hoping that here's where I'm supposed to be.

And did you know how hard it is to fight Higher Power? The one that controls everything that's meant to be?

JUST LET GO.

I just want to let go.

BTW. JENNA RICE - FARRO. i hate you.

ADORE

I just realized on how much I look up to Hayley Williams. I mean, come on, I'm probably one of those people who had hated her for a time because of the misery in Josh's face. I just realized on how strong she is. She was able to stand all of those rumors of being a cheater, being pregnant and all of the bad things that you could thing of. At this point, she is able to stand gloriously. She's touring half of the world for Pete's sake! Let's give her the credit that she's really talented. Her livejournal entries and her songs were the prime reasons I started writing my own song and writing sensibly about my emotions. I had a song journal because I was inspired by her. I want to learn how to sing and rock the microphone cause I saw how good it was to let the world know about you through a song.

And now that Paramore is coming to our country, probably arriving today, I can't help but regret that I wish I would have staked things for it. Screw school, screw my parents who think that putting earphones in your ears and blasting the iPod volume could send your grades to hell. I would've ran without direction! Just went with the beat. I wanted to live that way.

Argh. So what now? I've honestly got a lot of things inside this heart cause it has been a very surprising Monday and I don't want to talk about some of it-- yet. I just wanted to say on how I admire Hayley for being strong and for having the confidence to defend herself every once in a while. Her life seemed like a battle and I guess she is victorious.

Cause I'm feeling the same at the very moment. I feel like everything is against me and I hope I could find the courage to slap it to their faces on how pathetic they are.

5 FLOORS ABOVE THE GROUND.

You just appeared in my dreams and now, I'm effing obsessed with you.
I hope I could see you again. Even just for a while. Even if you would just talk to me because your phone can't send any message because it's out of credits. :)

Cause I honestly would want to get to know you. Words straight from you. Not from someone else like your brother.

Hmmm.

Btw, I'm at Yuchengco fifth floor and I'm feeling tensed, I think I'm having a migraine again, on a Thursday and it sucks. Maybe because I'm ill. :

NOW THE END IS NEAR.

One day I woke up and realized that I don't have a hundred years to live.

Calm down, my thoughts are screaming trying to supress the panic that my heart could nearly cry.

Who could I blame if life changing moments I onced wish come twice.

Life is short.

Don't play so tactless.