My Heart...

damn. i just finished watching some of the final riot performances. PARAMORE rocked my night and i promised that i would just check my damn mails but i end up watching because twitter is dowwnnn!! and i wouldn't be able to express on how much i have fallen for Josh Farro! I heart you! hahaha!! I'm just drawn to him! Really! hahaha! I love their sincerity in music. I feel it here with my earphones! darrrnnn!

So anyway. I have set up standards for new crushes and likes!! Josh's fault. I want someone who has sense of humor but not the one that everyone likes.. i don't want them to be OVERLYFRIENDLY! hate that. hahaha! Specially when they treat you really sweet and then expect nothing from you! THAT'S TOTAL CRAP!! don't make any connection if you don't want to!! you're just wasting someone else's affection!! but i don't want them to be snob either.

I want a musician who can write songs. Words may be flowery but i want those that touch my soul. ugh. i wanna know how he feels.. through writing. i was browsing through some blogs a while ago and i have read something about being apart from the girl. god, i felt his pain! specially that line where he said "Since when did loving me become such a fucking chore? I never looked at it that way, but she thinks that she has to work to keep my love with only her." damn. it hit me.

so all that i am trying to say here is.. I'm totally smitten by Josh! seriously. he's like my newest addiction although my eyes met him years ago in monitor screens and tv screens and earphones and prints and everything else. but it just hit me now.

So twitter.. you suck! I wanna tweet about this: I wish it's your voice that's singing me to sleep. you're my lullaby. and i wanna see you in my dream! i'm obsessed. haha! kidding. i'd prefer addicted!

you made me happy tonight. i might be sad when i wake up.
it scares the hell out of me.


i write to remember.

:)ayeenatienza

Throwing Punches

I have been feeling a bit sad lately. Oh. When did I ever feel so happy? You know what? That's the bad thing about being happy. When you're happy.. you just have to look forward to that bad thing that's just about to happen. Just like what I have heard in the radio... "You can never just be happy." Cause you can't certainly have have everything.. something has to really messed your life up.

So anyway, I don't know if I'm just reading too many books lately or I've been taken away by this stupid story I'm making in my head. I just feel down? I feel like I should have tons of stuff in my hands but I just can't feel anything.

and I just feel so inferior.
and I've never felt this inferior in my whole life.

:( sad.

btw, I'm making a story in my head that I can relate to the song "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift. But the two girls are sister and one is hilarious! as well as the guy. hahaha!

You're so hateful sometimes
Throwing punches at lies
Fall from somewhere above
Just to say you're in love

I KNOW IT HURTS BUT I REALLY HAVE TO.

"You know I love you, I really do
But I can't fight anymore for you


The way you're holding on to me
Makes me feel like I can't breathe
Just let me go, just let me go
It just won't feel right inside
God knows I've tried"
--In Another Life/ The Veronicas

i used to hate them, the people who left us hanging, the people who left us in a time where we needed them the most. but i can't sacrifice this much just for you... I'm sorry, i have to think of myself... for the mean time and when i get myself back to stability... I will come back and I hope that you're doors would still be open cause I'd never stop believing but I've got to stop fighting... for now.

LISTENING SOME SOUND IN MY EAR.

cause i won't run around after you...

OVER.

Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

ALL I DID.

man. all i did for these past two days is to watch these three people in Devil Beside You and Why Why Love. There is even a time when I'm watching both. It's really comic with its own dramatic twists. I prefer Devil Beside You better :D

Both of the guys have chemistry with the girl which makes the choice harder. haha!!

They have two dramas together.

AND I WANT ELLA CHEN AND WU CHUN TO HAVE ANOTHER DRAMA TOO!!!

Ariel Lin and Joe Cheng have three dramas together.

I WON'T BE ASKING FOR HANA KIMI 2.

i just want ella and wu chun together :D

utak naman PO!

okay. ang tawag dito. blog. this is a place where someone is free to express his or her feelings. itong blog na to under my name... ibig sabihin, may karapatan akong magkwento ng kwentong nais kong ikwento.

kasi that's how blog works.

you know what i really hate in a person? well, there's a lot of things i really hate but one of them is when you let people see na pinagkakaisahan ka, inaapi ka well in fact... HINDI NAMAN TALAGA! oh c'mon. lahat naman ng mga taong under sa situation mo nakakaranas ng ganyan!!!! so gusto mo special treatment sayo?

i believe my batch president had been flexible already--true enough as my former governor has said, she has compromised already---more than on what she should have.

and if it is your plan to drive the president,whom our batch had elected, insane... carry on. WE will just be behind her back and as well as the batch that elected her in that position.

and if REVENGE is what you speak... EXCUSE ME LANG! kung tutuusin naman wala naman kaming ginagawa sa inyo. too much of you to speak of revenge when all we've ever asked is

A JUST AND FREE SOCIETY.

This is a blog. this is MY blog. All thoughts that run in my mind---i put it in here. and you're always free to read and react.

As far as i see. There's nothing wrong on what you see as wrong ----JUST AN OPINION.

This is My blog.
This is what i feel.

:)

LOVE OR BREAD.

JOE wrote a letter to ARIEL during her birthday and he said something about working already in three dramas and i was wondering what the third one was. and i found it!

LOVE OR BREAD. A series where Ariel Lin was supposed to be the lead girl role but cannot make it because she had to do another drama so it was given to Barbie but had to back out because of schedule conflicts so the series was given back to Ariel because the drama she's supposed to make had been cancelled. so once again... ARJOE!

wooo! i love them and the series is really different even if i am currently just watching the half of the first episode.

their acting here is really different from the kiss series so it's a must watch because you will really ROLL because of laughter. :D

MORNING RIDE.

as usual it was raining. i went to school to have meeting with the SC's Executive Secretary and her Operations chairperson.
I dragged myself to go there because it was really raining and it was cold.
Since i'm the ever "i-can't-let-you-down" girl, i still pushed for the plan. How lucky was I to be still able to get the front passenger seat even if it was freezing cold.

i had a ride with these bunch of nursing students and they were talking about their lives and other peoples lives. It's really amazing when you're with a company of friends...you totally forget the existence of the world outside your circle.

they were really talking loud because there were five of them and three had to sit in the middle and the other two at the back.

Their chat was a usual girl chat. BOYS and the lives of the PRETTY MEAN GIRLS who get the hot guys!

They said that they didn't like that their duty had to be in Lawton. They said it was far. We were in Baclaran when one of the girls said, "bakit parang ang layo naman ng nilalakbay natin?" it was loud enough for me to hear. i swear. :)

I said to myself, not loudly of course, "hindi naman malayo ah.". But maybe just because i got used to it.

Later on we were already in Vito Cruz and I am just about to get off the FX when one of the girls said.."Ay, malapit na yata tayo...alam ko na to.. alam ko na to.."

No hija, malayo ka pa!! sa ulan na yan at sa traffic. MALAYO ka pa.

so once i was off the vehicle i murmured to myself..

ALAM MO NGA KUNG SAAN KA PUPUNTA PERO ANG MAHIRAP DUN, HINDI MO ALAM KUNG PAANO KA MAKAKARATING DUN.....AT HINDI MO ALAM KUNG KAILAN.

*you know where you're going but the hard thing is, you don't know how to get there....and you don't know when (you will get there.)*

so that was the lesson i have learned this day. crappy but useful somehow.

i kind of relate to it.

SKINWHITE.

i was looking for Pond's new 10-peso product but i couldn't find it so i just decided to try skin white's product since i only have 20 bucks in my wallet and i feel that i need to buy something.

so i tested the product right after i took a shower because of too much heat! and it's good. its promise of non sticky residue is true! it turns to powder too! i bought the light beige. it's a nice base for make up and i hope that i could be whiter in 7 days!!

hmmm. i can't wait. :D

GO FIGHT FOR IT!

i haven't been listening to the radio for the past weeks because i always arrive home either past nine or past ten in the evening so i really don't have time to catch up with the boys over at Magic.

I had the chance to listen to the radio yesterday and I really loved Elliot Yamin's Fight for Love. I love its lyrics! it is so meaningful, just like his so "One Word" which i really loved too.

I'm ecstatic
I feel the magic
It's everlasting
I think that you were meant to be alive on this very night
With me
I see, it clearly
The dream you hear about
and never truly think its realistic till it blows your mind
I never thought i could understand
I was searching me
and now i finally see

[chorus]
I see that some people fight for love
They stick with it
Just can't quit it
Some people hide from love
they run from it, cause they don't want it
When you got a love and its good like it should be
Makes you never wanna give it up
cause you know that some people fight for love
And I believe it's true cause I'd do the same for you

You're the reason, the air I'm breathing
so don't go leaving
cause loving you is the only thing that ever really touched my soul
I'm protective, of my blessings
Glad I kept it
I never really thought about the future till i saw my life
Finding it's purpose
so very worth it
And now I know that love is really worth it


And that's why,Some people fight for love
They stick with it
Just can't quit it
Some people hide from love
They run from it, cause they don't want it
When you got a love and it's good like it should be
Makes you never wanna give it up
Cause you know that some people die for love
And I believe it's true cause I'd do the same for you

It's hard to be, and good to keep
And once you're with it, it's hard to leave
You can't help but run wild with imagination
It'll change you life from wrong or right
And then you'll touch, touch the sky,
And now I don't see how I made it through the night

But I see how there's some people who fight
Some people fight for love
They stick with it
just can't quit it
Some people hide from love
They run from it, cause they don't want it
When you got a love and it's good like it should be
Makes you never wanna give it up
Cause you know that some people die for love
And I believe it's true cause I'd do the same for you

Some people fight for love,
(I don't wanna do it no more)
Some people hide from love,
(It just feels so good)
But when you got a love and it's good like it should be
Makes you never wanna give it up
Cause you know that
Some people fight for love

MARTYR.

CHEN XIN YI.

i have been watching Fated To Love You over at Mysoju.com and i'm quite hooked to it. There's nothing i could say to this girl because she is so kind. She may be weak in the eyes of others but letting go of someone you truly love is really hard.

After entering the wrong room one drunken night at a cruise ship, something happened between Xin Yi and a stranger. That night made their lives change 360.

I admire her character because she's willing to give anything even if it will hurt her. She warns the person when she's about to fall and let go if he chooses to. I cried when her baby died! She's optimistic about things and always think of herself last.

hmmm...
sometimes, you should always leave something for yourself.

*i'm sorry i can't think straight. i'll edit this if i have decided.

WHAT A CRAZY WORLD I LIVE IN.

it's stunning and frustrating on how twist of fate plays you on.

i was there. ready to move on from a relationship that was only close enough to be created. it was frustrating. i wouldn't say it was painful but i did missed him. he totally vanished once he realized that i had no meaning in his life. that she was more important.--i was never close to the word "important" anyway.

i found an arena to channel my thoughts . so there's this place i feel belonged at times and i feel to dumb to be there often. i never knew that i could find another frustration.

there are patterns on how a guy catches my eye...then my heart. it always starts with constant exchange of glances. and i always meet his eyes. the problem is... i think he's taken and i think he's too smart or too perfect to be reached. i just wanted to raise my freaking hand to wave at him and say hello but all i can do was look... at him as if i don't know him. and i think that goes for him too.

it's weird. when you're not waiting for something else to come and once you're ready... nothing comes.

and that's one of the games i don't think i'll ever be prepared of.

GOTTA GET NEXT TO YOU

im envious with this one person i used to criticize. i admire the way she writes. her courage is very different that she can blog about the person she loves without using any codenames but real names!! brave brave girl. and maybe there are some similiraties that she and i have. i didn't fall in love with a bestfriend. or i didn't fall in love with a friend who liked another friend.--i was just quite close to it. the point is. we both like someone who doesn't like us...i like the way she blogs though it pisses me off at times. she's very straightforward and she isn't scared to face the consequences.

there are times when i just want to have this honest conversation with this one person but i can't because im too coward to know the truth. either i'm afraid i'll be hurt or im not ready to face complications.

haaaayyy.
there's this one event that i could call a twist in my life. the problem was... i was too awkward to face it. to act real and try to decode things a little further. i hate it. i hate being unprepared. i came into this battle no one knows and i'm trying to fight something i don't know if it really exists.

you know what they say that music says something a person can't? well, i think i found the song. for the moment.

NEXT TO YOU * JORDIN SPARKS

Two o' clock and I wish that I was sleeping
You're in my head like a song on the radio
All I know is I got to get next to you
Yeah I got to get next to you
Sitting here turning minutes into hours
To find the nerve just to call you on the telephone
'Cause You don't know that I got to get next to you

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you (I got to get next to you)

I asked around and I heard that you were talking
Told my girl that you thought I was out of your league
What a fool, I got to get next to you, whoa
Yeah it's five in the morning and I can't go to sleep
'Cause I wish, yeah I wish that you knew what you mean to me
Baby let's get together and end this mystery, oh

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?

Whatcha got to say? Whatcha got to do?
How ya get the one you want to want to get next to you?
Yeah, yeah, to want to get next to you

[Chorus]
Maybe were friends
Maybe were more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Baby call me crazy
But I know you feel it too
Maybe I, Maybe I
Just got to get next to you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I got to get next to you

to the person i dedicate this song. if ever he pass by... i know he won't.
i just want to say i'm sorry. im sorry for being unprepared. for being so stupid on falling for the trap you didn't mean to make. i'm sorry that i chose to say the truth rather than lie. i'm sorry i'm too weak to be comfortable. i'm sorry for misunderstanding and thinking that somehow there's this connection on you too. i'm sorry for crushing on your friend but it's you i really like... and believe me, i really don't know why. i'm sorry for making this public--don't worry no one reads this crap. :D
i'm sorry that i do want to talk to you so much but as soon as i see you smile...i just melt cause it's brighter than sunshine! i'm sorry that i can't look back when you look at me cause it pains me that i chose not to come too close cause i dont trust myself.
i'm sorry i don't have enough patience to tell you on how wonderful you are... and how many would actually want to know you.
i'm sorry that i've driven myself a bit crazy. don't worry it's not because of you.
i think i just drove MYSELF in this path.

and you know i want to talk to you right now but i don't know what i would say.

i hate myself--for being weak.

and i'm sorry that i can't change you even if i really really want to! i want to see you smile stress-free a bit. but i can't. cause i'm weak. im weak of changing myself to change you.

oh. now i've got dramatic as she is.
and i like it.

:|ayeenatienza

SO TWISTED.

isn't it wonderful when you just let everything out to the person involved? i used to be scared and confused on telling. but when the person was there to ask me, i had several thoughts. to lie, laugh it off and pretend it was a joke. but i chose to admit. i was caught off guard anyway. i also thought that if that person would know and if that would snob me after that, it would be alright. it must be God's way of answering some prayers.
but it was weird. the person was a bit relaxed about it--i think. so after several hours i had a realization slash paranoia that maybe he is just being kind. and i don't want to take advantage of that kindness. i feel like that i might have been pushing myself to that person. maybe he needs some space and the person may not be that comfortable about it anymore. so if that's what he wants. im giving it. im giving it...
so here i am again trying to live another day planless.
btw, i woke up last night crying. darn it. i don't freaking know why and all i can remember is this weird feeling of realizing that if a person is going away.... if that person is going away..

oh, i don't even want to think about it.

:|ayeenatienza

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF.

I now have two korean boyfriends! :D

He is So Yi Jung of Boys Before Flowers. Member of the famous group in Shinhwa, the F4. Known as a Casanova. But who could blame him? his charm and smile are just irresistable. Very rich, a sculptor, he has good looks, he's kind and has really smooth moves.

i just don't know if he's a player. but he will surely break your heart when he leaves you. but then again, you'll come chasing after him!!

awwww. i can't get enough of him. his character, the way he walks and the way he smiles. ugh, another weakness.

but he's in highschool and a lot of girls chase him! so what's your chance on getting into his heart?

don't worry. he WILL fall in love with a lower middle class. hmmmmm... but will he break her heart?

portrayed by KIM BUM! very very very handsome!!!! and he was born in 1989. hmmm.

:)ayeenatienza

*boys before flowers is currently airing in korea. :D

LEFT BEHIND

i might be feeling a bit dramatic lately. maybe it started with this dream that might sound weird but i do know that there is some interpretation to it.

the other night, i had a dream. a cat is running after me. i went inside the master's bedroom and locked myself there. i texted my friends to help me. no one's replying. it's so frustrating. i don't know why but the next thing i remembered is the cat bit me not just once but twice! the cat bit me on the ankle. it damn hurts! i texted again my friends for help. no one seems to care. no one's there. so i just sat there in pain. i don't know what hurts more. the bites of the cat or no one was there. it was sad.

it's the same feeling i have at the moment. i feel so alone. i feel like no one's checking on me. i do check on them. but it seems like no one cares.

it's just sad. i'm the farthest away from them.
and honestly, the last time i saw them. i felt like an outcast.


and if i can't bear the pain of being out of the circle..

i might begin not to care.

:(ayeenatienza

why should i care?
you weren't there when i was scared.
I WAS SO ALONE.

emo much? :)

I FOUND MY BOYFRIEND :)

i was just watching a series where my favorite korean actress, kim jung wha, stars. awwww. LOVE LOVE LOVE Sun-Woo!! A rebel, ran away from home but still makes his own money. at age 20!! a music lover. a great pianist! :D and trust me, he would never ever want to see a girl cry. he's shy when he meets your parents and if your mom says his clothes are not good and the color of his hair sucks...trust me he'll change it for you and your mom. By the way, he can paint too!! :)) HAN SUN-WOO! :)) (the character is portrayed by Lee Wan)

but of course.. HE'S TAKEN! .awwww. :))

by the pretty ma young-hee :)

i forgot how much i love..

homepage opened. there's this all american rejects' cover of womanizer. then there's this buy you a drink cover of jesse McCartney. so i searched youtube for his video of 'it's over' and i found episodes of hannah montana and suite life of zac and cody where he's at.

awww. i love him. i prefer his hair blonde rather than his hair now. haha!!
but i love him. there's this episode where he sang 'beautiful soul' i just love him!
london and maddie are FUNNY!

who would have thought?

here i was trying so hard to think of a plot of a story to write. my friend was right,i am surrounded by real drama. and the story i've been trying so hard to do is just there dancing in front of my eyes.

look at him. look at his eyes bouncing from bliss. look at his face. he's so in love. who would have thought that the constant teasing from people around them would actually lead to this certain understanding. what a lovely story to write. just the sight of them together would make their audience smile.with joy. with kilig.

look at the bully. his nonstop pang-aasar. see her patience. her optimism. she's down to earth. she's happy. no wonder she seems so blooming for the past weeks. now i know why.

if i could watch a series, it's their story i'm going to watch. i won't get tired. if it was in DVD, i could rewind it over and over.

such a lovely pair.

there's this another story. the heaven vs the earth. could a man simply break a wall with just a heart? could love really conquer all? of course, we can never tell. but if i were to pen this story. i'd choose the one with the heart and the effort for the girl who has everything.
but it's too complicated that sometimes.. i don't even want to talk about it.

hmmmmm....

:D ayeenatienza

the thing about love

when someone tells "i love you", you don't go running away and ask them to not look for you.

i was watching an excerpt of the latest episode of Gossip Girl. Chuck and Blair are love. and i just realized this.

i think no one says "i love you" and mean it without them knowing that there is a huge chance that the person they're telling love them back too.
i don't know. i think it just goes like that or something.
and i told someone that i could say the words "i love you" as a joke. well, i lied. it's one of the sentences that are hard to tell. for me. :D

do you expect me to believe i was the only one to fall...

if there's any song i want to sing with my off tune voice in his face, it would be avril's "why"

a week ago i was thinking that i might actually have been over this certain person but as i try to solve the freaking problems for my final exams, i found myself thinking about what he said. what he did and what he is doing.

i'm tired of chasing. i think. i got so tired that i honestly want to stop liking him and i was praying so hard that i could be like Jacob in the twilight saga. praying to find another one. another one who would send some sparks in my eyes. but hell, i just can't find anyone else.

i inhaled and exhaled frustratingly thinking about what the hell is his problem messing up in my head and messing up with what i feel.

tiring. i dropped my pencil and pushed away the scratch papers and pulled a yellow paper to make something out of what i feel.

how does it feel to hold a string attached to me?
how easy it is to pull me close when you need me.
it's unbelievable on how you can leave me and still have every piece of me.
it's frustrating to thing on how you can be
to have power of control and to you i have NONE at all
staring at scribbles on a paper i can't equate properly.
just like you and me.

see. even bad feelings have fruits.

:)ayeenatienza

always heard.

everytime i look at her i feel nothing but envy. she seemed so perfect. she has a happy family, a huge barkada, a nice smile, long straight black her, she seemed spoiled, she is good in writing, she has class, she has everything she ever wanted. maybe the climax of it all is seeing her getting her dreams all moved to reality.
i was the envious girl.
i texted up a friend to tell all the sentiments and how i where i am. far from up there. how i could not even get to the dean's list, or how can't i go to the organization party i want to attend. i can't even write with a lot of sense. she then said something that made me realize on how good i was.
she doesn't have nice legs, as yours. she's not sexy. and you can write,too. not just as good as her.

and she was right. i am good. i may not be up there, but i've got a lot down here. if that's how i see it. i have tons of friends,real friends. i may not have the face, but i guess my humor and wit are enough to make others to be drawn into me. i'm trying to make a story. not so good, but i'm happy im able to materialize them.

i never actually believed in myself. i didn't know why. i just always felt like i have to give something more. and maybe just like what my colorgenics said, i'm capable of more things that i think i can.

hmmm. i just hope someone or something could trigger for that to come out.
cause i really can't wait on who i'm going to be.

:)ayeenatienza

realization.

sometimes if you just believe in yourself. even the opinions of the ones you love.

won't matter.

:)

sorrow lasts through this night.

we were there jumping and rolling from laughter. when suddenly, the turn of events had changed that and left us all crying and silent.

the best part of it was that we're all together.
even in sorrow

:)ayeenatienza

I CAN'T F-IN HANDLE THIS

I AM SO SCREWED IF YOU ONLY KNOW!
AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANOTHER DRAMA.
DAMN.
I CAN'T HELP IT ANYMORE.
THIS IS TAKING ALL OF ME!
AND IT'S SUFFOCATING.

IT MAKES ME DIE.
LITTLE BY LITTLE.

100th

ooh, it's my one hundredth entry here! and i don't know what to talk about in here. i'm thinking school,blogging, friends,cousing,or BOYS. haha!

i'm a bit tired.not because of school and not because of doing som much things (if i have done anything) haha!

i'm tired of certain situation that keeps on happening over and over again. no matter how we pray for it to be fixed, it just can't and i really have no idea why. it's been a long time and the damage has been already huge. that at this point in time, i really don't know if we could still fix it, and if ever we were able to fix it, i don't think things will go back to way they were. it's just frustrating. seeing things back then, and seeing it now. they were just different. i felt like moving into a new dimension but i know i can't just leave the other one behind. but it's hurting. and it's not just me.

and i'm wondering if the others are hurting too.
i really hope they were.

anyhow,two days of school have passed. and i was so drenched in the rain on the first day. and only few professors show up! but it's not as tiring as last term's. :)

my one hundredth entry sucks!
damn.

a new day has come...

when frustration strikes at one time. i felt depressed. and i can't even manage to smile.
i say i think. but actually, i wasn't in the mood for talking.
a part of me wanted to go home, a part didn't.

i waited. i waited for someone to make me smile.giddy.and happy.

i stared the endless sight.

and then, there was a glimpse of you.

i smiled.

and the bliss started.

i thank God you came.

emotionally disturbed

so i am in school today. and i feel something going on inside of me.
i received a text from mom which says, "may class ka ba ngayon, pwede ba kitang tawagan?" and as usual, i've read it late. and i started wondering what i did wrong this time. i fear that maybe she has read the latest entry in my diary. or she found out that i didn't make it enough on my last calculus exam. i wondered on and on. i started getting nervous and not wanting to go back home. beucase again, i just kept on wondering.

so i guess that's it.

i don't want to take things granted. but i just give in with the people around me.

it sucks.

:( ayeenatienza

i wish i could see him.

here...

i've been thinking.

i wanted to get rid of someone's thoughts in my head so much that i think..

i think..

i am forcing myself to like someone.

who's going to give the same experience i had with the one i was trying so hard to forget.

how's that?

pathetic huh?

:)ayeenatienza

one morning of frustration

i attended angel's debut last night. but i wasn't tired. probably because i was happy last night. too happy. and i don't know why. :)

so i came to my three- hour class late. fifteen minutes late. but that's not important anyway.

because i can't even solve this ONE ARRAY PROBLEM. none of us could. some has already started but all i can write was main, then print and everything in between. i am so frustrated. i kind of promised myself that i would do better. so i could still stay at la salle for the rest of the years. but this is just a disaster. i don't even know a thing. i've googled a lot of things. and still i got nothing.
this computer wont read my USB where angelica's lecture notes on C++ are. IT SUCKS. :)

so one hour left and i still could not figure out on how to establish this problem.
i don't even know how to start.

sad :(

PS: i just remembered this question in my head back then. it goes something like this.

if you want to change, where do you actually begin?

i've become a JLC and BEA fan. :)

it's like this. i saw the trailer of i love betty la fea in abscbn one night. all the characters were shown except for one -- Armando.
so i searched "i love betty" over the internet, youtube to be exact. instead, i found
"kay tagal kang hinintay" series and i just started watching where bea and john lloyd began. it was so dramatic! the lines were heavy. i love how yuri(JLC) flirts with kat(bea) at first. haha! i love love love love them now! i love them back then, but now i am quite addicted to it.

i want to buy "one more chance" dvd because i did not have the chance to watch it before. and i want close to you dvd too cause i can't remember the story. all i know is,it is about best friends. :) hahaha!! man, i am really addicted. :)

wuzun and ella :)

WARNING: no angela zhang fan allowed. :)

so this is just plainly opinion on the things that i have read at this one forum.

okay. i've read that wu zun will be coming here in the philippines to promote ROMANTIC PRINCESS. it hurts you know. cause i believe that there are more ella and zun fans that angelun. ssoooo.. i hope that abscbn should just let fahrenheit and s.h.e. to come here in the country and if ever zun will be promoting RP here in the country.. i just hope that he will come ALONE! ir with ella.

i've also read that abscbn used hanakimi to promote RP. that just sucks.

i watched romantic princess yesterday because im forcing myself to like any drama kung nasaan si wu zun. but boy.. trailer pa lang hindi ko na natiis and i was just about to shut the damn television. pero siempre.. i still watched and that episode was just unbelievable. KALANDIAN!! haha! especially on the side of the lead actress. because you just don't tell a guy to lend his shoulder then cry like a crybaby!!! darn.

and now it soothes me because im not the only one who feels the same way. i feel at home at CE forums. i love it in there and it really makes me feel good. it erases the irritation in my mood!!

haha. but as the people there say.

LOVE THE DRAMA. NOT THE LOVETEAM.

haha!

wu zun hearts ella chen :)

gosh, they look so good together. sparks is just everywhere. and when zun smiles... his smile is different with ella.

unlike in RP.

i hope there's HANA KIMI 2 because i really want to finish the story!!!

:) ayeenatienza

i don't know what's right anymore.

it's sad.
i used to be hard on my self. back when i was good. i was stable.

i think the reason i am a trainwreck now is that i've loosen myself a bit.

and it sucks.

so i guess i deserve all the punishment.

sad.

i'm pretty pathetic

it's pretty hard to accept some things in life.
i mean, there have been times when i thought i've already move on and i was ready to be all broken again. but when fate just keeps on testing you. it's pathetic to know that somehow i really feel something for that person.

it's pretty pathetic that i still chose to be broken all over again. on how i chose to go thru the same things all over again. hmmmmm....

i know he loves her. i see it. i feel it.
it's pretty pathetic that i still hope that somehow....

...a door would still be open for me.

and now. with a different person, i still hope for the same thing.

should i give up?

or should i fight for it this time.

ang labo ko talaga mag-blog. :(

gossip girls :)

haha! :)
i was just texting angelica a while ago.i asked her something about the prom when we were seniors.then i told her that i had this prophecy and she told me that she has one too. she told first her prophecy and man... we really think a like. so we both notice the attraction between these two people. haha!!

sabi nga ni ange na kami day ay talagang pareho magisip pagdating sa tsismis.
i take that positively. haha! it's really funny because i thought the guy likes someone else.

and to quote angelica,

"bestfriends" daw sila.

haha! :)

good thing they don't visit this page often. :)

i'm addicted.

before anything else. typo on the previous entry.
"no matter what lies ahead,let me know THAT i'm with you,LORD."

hmmm.lost my typing skills.

anyway.i'm nostalgic about how the way i write for they past years. i'm such a happy person back then. so another happiness came into my life lately. and they are, ella, wu zun and jiro wang. :) HANA KIMI (taiwanese version). such a funny story. and though i did not feel the love love thing. it was fun watching them. specially someone like WU ZUN, who's such a nice sight to look at. HOT HOT! :) haha!

i love them. i see amanda bynes in ella on some episodes. haha! i love the song too. zen me ban and the other one. i don't know the title. it has good lyrics in it.

SPOILER.
the story goes like this. rui xi (ella) is in america and see quan (wu zun) in television. she decides to to taiwan and study... in an ALL BOY'S school. she shares a room with quan. and there it goes.
haha.

idle again. haha.. i love some episodes. :) kakakilig. :)

quan: what's the matter?
rui xi: i was just thinking that if i was a girl i think i should...
quan:don't ever think about falling in love with me, okay?
rui xi: of course i won't fall in love with you. i'm a guy.

hmm.. but they love each other from that moment already. :)

haha!! i really love them!! i know im starting to blab things again. urgh!!
so i borrowed jang's dvd. there's a behind the scene special in their MV, zen me ban.

zun: do i have to kiss you today?
ella: yes.
zun: urgh.
ella: (hits zun) what are you urgh-ing about? don't you know that a lot of people wants to kiss me but don't have the opportunity?

haha! and she keeps hitting zun. :)

i've lost my patience

i've lost my patience on a lot of things.
like using the computer. sms-ing my friends. and waiting things to just download. sometimes i just stopped living my life cause i've already gone tired waiting.
waiting for his hand to pull me up again. waiting for his grace to fall upon me. waiting for his mercy i was hoping he'll give me.

and i think he's telling me that i should wait a little further...

..a litlle further for HIS time.

and so no mantter how torturuos this year goes. i just keep on saying to myself and to him that..

"no matter what lies ahead, let me know what i'm with you, LORD."

i'm trying to revive my faith.
faith that has been scratched by trials and challenges.

and i hope he sees. that everything i do now.

will be worth it.

they're so in love...

awww..it's really sweet.
i used to think that she's someone you could mess with because she maybe bitchy and useless. but when i finally got to read some of her thoughts and know some things about her... she's amazing. no wonder mr.elevator guy loves her so much.

it's like this. i gave up watching graduation and watched cbe's dance performance instead. i found him in the 7th floor which packed with people. as his girl and her partner started to walk towards the place where i used to be, he also started walking. he stayed in front of the girl and started taping her whole performance. and all i can say to myself i s that he really loves her. he really does. awwwww...

then i started thinking of letting go. hmmm..

then i think she does not deserve him. (o hindi). but then when i finally found her page. i saw on how much she loves him. and vice versa. awwww...

8 months.

at first i wanted to say that i could sing the song..

"..i waited 8 long months she finally set him free, i told him i couldn't lie, he was the only one for me."

pero give up. i mean crush ko lang yun guy. hindi ko naman siya aagawin ot something. haha!!

he makes me smile.

and it actually feels so good to smile these days.

:)

ciao :)

errrrrr...

"errr."
i think i am really going insane.
cause i think i like this guy that's not worth liking.
haha! mannn..

you i think i am attracted to guys with issues maybe because i am covered with issues. yeah. i think.
sad. i've let my emotions run my life for the past year and i really have not done something good. and it sucks.
i kind of miss the old me. when i complain about my mediocre works. or when i am not able to follow certain skeds.
i get really really really pissed off.
man, now it's so different.

there are just some times when i just don't care at all.

and it sucks.

cause i really do want to care.

scratch that.

i really do NEED to care.

damn, my future worries me so much.

i think i should follow my friend's advice.

"studies muna bago boys."

haha! right. there's so plenty of time to swim in the ocean of boys..

errrrr...

i never wanted to be like this.

being a flirt and everything.

but i mean come on. i am NOT a flirt. :)

trust me.

oh please.

so i think my motto starting from now should be

"ALL WORK AND NO PLAY."

but i worry that i might miss a lot of things that are out there.

and that sucks.

missing a special event in your life.

growing up huh....

:)

now i'm wondering

studying and la salle has made me realized a lot of things. has let me study and observe different people. it's funny how people seem to have some problems when it seems that they have everything. and no wonder why some people seem to be uber successful... because they have everything.

i have this two people in my world.

person 1: she is perfect. she has everything you will be wanting in a girl. she no problems with her family members. she's rich. no wonder she's been doing so good in school.

person 2: she's rich. it's given. her parents seem to love her. she's got the loving boyfriend. it looks like she gets what she wants. so i wonder why is she trying to get rid of her life when she's living a life of a princess.

i am person 3. i have encountered a lot of problems for the past years. and i mean A LOT.
i lost a lot of things. one by one. and i really fear that something may not be left with me. MONEY is my top problem. i now believe that poverty is the cause of all problems. often, i think that i may not be a person of mediocrity if i had everything i wanted. i used to live like a princess too. getting everything i want. i used to have good relationship with my folks. but now it's just so sad cause it's gone. i feel so ALONE. being left with nothing.

so now i'm really wondering. why would person two wants to get rid of her life? when she got what person 1 and person3 wants. and it's his love.

:)

i think im insane

this is because of one thing.

i passed by two people.

one past.

one future.

and it's funny because i think past is still present.

and then when i passed by them...

past greeted me.

and i was not feeling happy at all...

i looked at future.

man, im insane.

i think i like future.

but i love past.

or so i thought.

haha!!

the bad thing.

past and future are friends.

and.

i now look for future.

instead of past.

this is so surreal.

ugh! :)

i'm unbelievable.

i mean. how could i? how could i like a person like that. uhm. unbelievable. 8 months of knowing him and then in just a simple game i start to like this person. he's no disturbed or something but liking him is such a complicated thing to do.

he's just surrounded with complication.

kasi naman. the last guy i liked is "kalandian ng bayan."
eh i don't want someone like that.

asteeg din naman pag medyo snob and when he gives you a smile.

all you would say is...
it's worth it.

i mean he has nice smile yata.

just like the past.

or so i thought. :)

let me believe in fortune telling...

there's just something i realize these past few hours. maybe i should believe in fortune telling. cause maybe fortune telling would help me move on and forget the dark ages.

i once attended this birthday gathering. the celebrant's cousin knows how to sort of tell fortune. well i know that she's not professional but somehow there is truth in what she's saying. so i had my fortune be told thru cards. so this is what she said...

"close kayo nito noh? close kayo but there's no exchange of hearts..."

sad.haha! i was expecting sort of. "exchange of hearts kaso my girl na nakaharang."
haha! but it wasn't my fortune.haha!!

i just remembered it now. i mean i totally forgot about that. and being with the guy for another 2 hours for the week, i felt that he really felt nothing for me. even if reading my journal reminds me on how frustrated i am about him. i guess he really felt nothing for me. maybe for someone else. haaayyy... sad. again. he really loves someone very much.i used to think that i stood a chance on him. but i actually don't. for him.. i'm just a classmate that he could mess with. "asaran" with but never the friend he could share his feelings with. hmmmm...

so i am saying that i think i should remember the fortune that was told upon me. cause maybe believing in that helps me move on. forget about him. and.... save myself from frustration or anything.

i am totally rambling right now. so i really don't know what i'm saying...

i'll stop..
making songs
writing poems


for a person...

who really never...

cared.

so i guess that's it. the frustration i've been keeping for the past hours.
and it feels so good to let it out to the world.

:)

ciao. :)

"I’ve gone too far to come back from here

But you don’t have a clue

You don’t know what you do to me

Won’t someone stop this song?

So I won’t sing along

Someone stop this song

So I won’t sing"

-stop this song*paramore

maybe i just can't get enough of this...

guess what? frustrated again huh? yes. again.
i mean how could all the bad things come at one time? like this moment.
i've been happy for the past few days. yes, days after my birthday maybe. i aced an exam. been able to talk to someone....a bit special. and i guess i was not able to prolong the happiness. i've been inspired. going to school, doing assignments. but i guess at the end of the day when i arrive home... i'm still sad and in despair. maybe. it's just so sad around there.

i need happiness. i used to think that frustration would make me craving for more. achieving more. but the more i get sad... the more i do nothing. nothing but crap.

or maybe i just need this one person. he made me sad. and he also made me happy. being around him and being able to be around him just makes me smile. just gives me a reason to smile. but now. he's gone. not really gone gone. i mean he vanished from my life. we seldom see each other. we don't talk anymore. for a reason i don't know. he forgot something that is really important to me. (sa bagay ano nga naman ang pake niya..)haaaayyyy...
i can't believe. if he feels so far away now.. paano na kaya next year?? maybe i won't totally see him. that's sad. thinking about it really makes me sad.

and if it's probable for him to read this... well. i don't care anymore. if the reason why you stepped out of my life is this. the so be it.

labo ko na naman.
depressed na naman kasi eh.
one text from someone else would be enough siguro. :)

ciao :)

i've got a lot to say to you.

a lot of things really make me insane and anxious these past few days. the highlight of my week would probably when some people made me insane because of thinking!!

i really hated it when he asked me a question. and the question does not concerns him anyway. i mean if i answered his question with a yes or a no.... he'd still do the same thing he planned a few weeks earlier maybe. and sad cause i think people lied to me about some special things. did you know that i did not even had the mind to study for my ANSOGEO quiz? good thing GOd has mercy and our test was moved to MONDAY. thank HIM really. and i hope that the people who keeps on turning me around would have the conscience for all those things that they are telling me. cause i really dont care if what lies ahead is better. i've been DISTURBED. making me insane right now. and BAD.

mehn, seriously. i'm near hell. hmmmm...


damn the people who make me think so much..

specially himm...

:)

my trip to beda...again

i went to beda again to watch the annual batch cheering competition. i said to myself that i would go there early because i want to start to program because MC might sing again! :) haha. but as usual plans go, i failed. i arrived there at 1030 am when i am supposed to be there before 10. sad again.
anyway, the juniors won!sad for the seniors right? but i guess the juniors really deserved it. and the freshmen deserved it too. haha!
i was shocked because *geegee* was there in the seniors squad making his stunts. and mehn!! it was awesome.
then i watched the battle of the bands, still not seeing MC, i just waited until wenobo played. and they won too. zayc is so happy! i was making her jealous because i was able to watch the battle. seeing those pinkiesmilies going down the drain! haha!!

and still i'm sad because i was not able to see MC. my dear MC <3>

and i miss his VOICE! damn damn damn! hahahaaa

wel nothing interesting happened in my trip there because i was not with my lovable and adorable friends..JAHGONAL! if zayc, anna and the gang were there, we would have shouted on the top of our lungs... kasi naman! i was so alone. haha!! i was not able to express my deepest feelings with the festivities. :)
by the way. my birthday's next week.
i am expecting some gift from someone else. and i would really really really really be HAPPY.trust me. haha! but i think it would be impossible because he told right in front of my face that he would not give me anything. and that's enough to believe him. :)

okay.totally going away from the topic. so that's it.

i just miss MC.

"just so you know these feelings takin control of me..."

again.damn. :)

staying here...

i am currently with jang checking all the courses that we are about to enroll for the LEAP. so we are choosing between guitar101,fashion101 and other 101. i think. we're totally bored. we're waiting for michie and ydette and jin and they are here!! as in now. 520 pm.

hmmm..
well i'm a bit obsessed with some of the people around me who are freaking.. KAPAL NG MUKHA! hahaha!!

kasi i like this guy who i think likes my friend. (yeah,i think it's the third time).yes i did the math. so i think BKK's life is still better than mine. kasi ba naman the current person who fell in love with her just composed a song for her.. and it's really awwwww....

but me. i just keep on composing songs for someone else. my feelings telling him on how hard i try to reach out for him. to understand his actions. to know his feelings on things. sad isn't it? when you try everything for that one person to notice you but all that he sees is the person beside him. who made him nothing but crap. :) haha!

HOUSELIFE.
home, as other calls it. atmosphere at home is sadder than the past. haaay! sometimes i just wanted to chase my dreams so that i be far from home.living independently. ironic huh? i guess that's how things in this world go.ironic.
on how we sacrifice things for the one person just to see his smile.but he does not even care about you.on how constant change turn your whole world up side down in just a snap.

honestly.i have not moved on from everything that had happened in my life. two years right? so hard to move on. hard on not thinking what my previous life has offered.

well i still can't decide on things.
why does it need to have so many choices.

no wonder i don't know what i want in life.

just like these courses i am choosing.
maybe i should just take writing 101. :)

for better blogging. kasi alam kong di coherent nung mga ideas. :)

frustrations. near its climax. i think.

lea gave me a gift! thanks lea. and so i will stuff my frustrations there.
so. i was crying while writing all my "sama ng loob." to all the things that i could not reach. for all the people who touched my life and then walked away.for those people who were able to chase their dreams. and for the people who were lucky enough to be with the people i dream to be with. :)
well i wish i were typing in my own computer but i am somewhere in manila because sharing my thoughts with the public isn't an "academic" thing. so it's not allowed at home.
hmmmm.. i've been sighing a lot lately. a sign that i am tired of what's happening with my life. if something's happening.
i really have nothing else to say but "frustrated."
maaannnn...
i just can't move on...
sad isn't it.

tagal.

so i was not posting here for so long but i suddenly missed it.
men, a lot of things had happened in my life. some are good but a lot are bad.
i continuously struggle between the good and the bad. i'm lost and i'm trying to find my way back.

i'm crying out for help.
i'm outstretching my hand.
help me.
save me.
drag me to the bright side.

soooo...
on my multiply blog. i was thinking on getting some nicotine to get through college but i just can't. cause i think that's not me. but there's this thing that i have done that i never imagined myself doing.
man. seriously.

so this is not just about school. my problems deepened and men.

i am so flattered to be depressed.

i guess..
SIX LINES on my skin.
not bad for one week.
:)

so i like the way i used to write my past entries. i think that was awesome,
i think.
so i miss writing like that .
it was more positive than the way i write my life right now.

sooo...
this is just the start of new blogging.
i think i missed a year of not blogging here.
i think.


soooo
i hope it's the start of something new. :)

bakit ngayon pa??

note: let's keep this real. TAGALOG would be the medium i'll be using in telling a wonderful story in this entry.(weird.) hope that anna would read this.. (BFF!! ) whoo0hoo..

bakit ganun? dati parang i want to get out of highschool, pero nung napansin ko na may gusto ako kay "money" (itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang iyon) parang napaisip na ako na.. three to four months na lang. tapos.. wala na. ggraduate na ako. alam ko na nung feeling ng friend ko nung may crush siyang senior last year. tapos naman ako.. ako nung senior siya nung....basta!
ang swerte swerte pa ng girlfriend niya (kung sila pa rin!). haha. kasi nung guy na yun, dati ko pa siya kilala, pero parang lately ko lang nanotice. ewan ko. dahil siguro sa mga aksidendenteng "eye contacts". weird. usually ganun tlga nung mga nagugustuhan ko, ewan ko kung bakit.
super talented niya.sobrang talino tapos ewan ko... may itsura siya e. nung miyerkules ko lang na natuklasan na may crush ako sa kaniya tapos feel ko ngayon parang alam niya na. si anna and angel pa nga lang sinabihan ko 2day e. TODAY hah. kasi kanina parang nakaupo lang siya dun. tapos nagpaslamat ako at andun pa siya..tapos parang bigla siyang yumuko na something. anu yun.. ayaw niyang makita ko siya. samantalang dati nasa harap ko na siya wala pa akong pake sa kaniya kasi nga hindi ko pa siya napapansin na ewan. tapos ngayon.. ay ewan. ang amo amo pa ng face niya. wait. suuper obvious na ba nung mga desriptions dito?? eh anu naman! as if naman mababasa niya to, wala naman sa itsura niya nung willing magsurf para lang sa isang walang kwentang blog ko.. haha!! ang weird talaga. sana araw araw ko siya makita. kanina nga nakita ko siya e, dumaan siya sa harap kO! e kaso kinakausap ako ni angepepot kaya yan tuloy. hindi ko napansin.. hmp!

anageom class sinabi ko kay anna. una hinulaan niya ng hinulaan tapos nagbigay ako ng clue... okay CLUES. tapos sinabi niya nung name na pabulong "si * first name* *last name*?" then napasmile ako.. then siya kilig then "oh my gaaad!"
pero mas malala nung kay angelica. nung after na nung CAT yun e. sa may parking lot dun sa bus namen.
tapos sabi ko sa kniya. nung "baka ako nung pangatlo.." then sabi niya.."haha! oo nga noh, sino kaya nung magiging crush mo" tapos nung pabulong type sa kniya.. sabi ko" meron na.." tapos siya.." sinoo?? meron na?" tapos i want some place na walang gaanong tao.. so sabi niya dun sa bus niya.. e di on the way na kame dun.. tapos binulong ko sa kniya.. kilala mo ba si *first name* *last name*.. parang siya"oh my gaaaaddd!!!" as in nung shock na gnun. tinanong ko.. gwapo ba.. sabi niya "OO!" haha..

wala lang..
i'm smiling now.
weird.
god! i'm so open..
bakit kaya??

why can't i just admit it?

what a day. first, someone just appeared in my dream. yeah! and he was damn smiling in there. so i woke up smiling. so we had our long test in ES. i suck. yes, you've got it. it was not as bad as my first plate but i think i did bad. oh wait, my mom said i should stop saying negative things cause it might come true. funny, my biological mom and my mom in the clique said that. good thing, i woke up happy so the "bad trip" did not soak in me.

tomorrow is thursday. crap, we need to practice for the wncaa cheering. the seniors are required to attend. they have moved the bivouac(whatever the spelling of that word) next year because of the wncaa, so it is an official activity.
yesterday was ptc and... i won't be going up the stage this quarter. sad sad sad. but i don't actually feel super bad and the inferior feeling i used to have everytime i see my name DOWN there. haha!. i miss the old me. the happy me who doesn't care where she stands. but little by little i'm trying to go to the BRIGHT side. many things should make me happy.

oh by the way, here's the real story for this entry. i think. THINK. i may like somebody new. and the bad thing is... he's kind of younger than me but not super young. i think he has a girlfriend. why does that always happen to me? it's when i like someone.. then later on i will find out that.. o0o0opppss, he's taken. Then there are others that he's taken then.. o0o0opppss, i like him. damn. but i only like ONE person. as in the solid type LIKE. (you get me, don't you?) and he's older... (okei i'm totally telling secrets in here!). hmmm.. i usually like people who are so0o0.. HARD to reach. hmp!! it's either he's uber rich?, uber smart? or just uber mature or just.. hard to reach. i'm not really the kind of person who approaches first. cause it's... kind of complicated for me. oh, well.. the NEW one won't last long.. i know that for sure..

YES, that's true. that's what i said the last time and i totally don't have the "kilig" factor with him. oh, weird. i'm blabbing nonsense things..

i'll just stick with logan echolls...

by the way. why is everyone irritated this day? crap. this day must really suck. okay then.. i still have a music report to do. do i?? haha!! tomorrow's convocation. and as i've said, i won't be coming up the stage anymore. wait wait wait.

who made me addicted this day?

"it's like i can't breathe
it's like i can't see anything
nothing but you..
i'm addicted to you
it's like i can't think
without you interrupting me.
in my thoughts in my dreams
you've taken over me..
it's like i'm not ME"

wait. why does my friends love the junior guys?
trisha likes *toot*
delro loves *toot*
nyek. dalawa lang pala. baka ako na nung pangatlo. haha!! joke.

...let's just hope no jahgonal member would read this.or else they would really do anything to know something... smelling fishy.
funny.

toodles.

maybe.

is it just me or life really seems so hard? i'm just sixteen and i feel like i've already done the BIGGEST mistake in my life. it looks like i've already had the HUGEST regret. no unless i'm really going to die soon then it's true, i've met my biggest mistake.

it's just that. i thought they would understand. when i say that i have a problem. when say that i'm not emotionally stable. i thought they are going to reach out their hand. but no, i was so wrong. i guess what they say is true "madaming namamatay sa maling akala"
when i said i was depressed that i need psychological help, they thought that i could not be depressed cause i'm living A life. but they don't understand. they really don't. then they blame the thing that makes me happy. they say it's wrong. then if things that makes me happy are the wrong things, i just don't want to be right. would you throw away something that makes you smile in the middle of the day. something that puts energy in you every morning. something that gives you the reason to wake up early. would i throw that away.

one thing i don't understand. you're not perfect yourselves. then why do you push things that i should be like this and like that?? hanggang doon lang nung grade ko. may magagawa ka pa ba?

"trying hard to reach out but everytime i speak out, felt like no one could here me. i wanted to belong here but SOMETHING FELT SO WRONG HERE..."

different.

it has been a tiring day but fun.




though i am so freaking DEPRESSED.

.me against the world.

does the people around me just gets smarter or is it me being dumber? there are things that made me look super dumb today.
first. i just got a 81 in my csat. (stupid, stupid ayeen.). how could i have a grade like that? if i got 81 in bene? what else could i possibly get in la salle, ateneo and up? uh. so frustrated. good thing i'm trying to live on the positive side.
second. my social studies grade. though i think i got 90. i don't know. it's like i got the lowest score. i swear. everyone whom i've asked or have heard they all got higher scored than me. hmp! so frustrating.
third. i still suck at es. GOD, help me.

one thing made me happy:
i got a 95 in Filipino. oh, well. you don't know how hard is it to get a line of nine in Filipino nowadays.

one month to go. and it's simbang gabi. even if my schedule would be uber hectic since there are a lot of stuffs on the way. my quarter exams (which would fall on the 15th,18th and 19th.). the alumni party thingy. (it will fall on the 16th.) and then there's the investigatory project (which would be submitted on the 10th and 14th). wow. they really think we're super heroes huh? so i guess i need to maximize time and forget logan for a moment. as if that's gonna happen. i wake up 4 in the morning just to watch and see him! by the way, i miss nathan! anna got my three-season dvd. SHOUT TO ANNA. i miss my dvds. :-)

i so want to watch season 4 of oth and season 3 of vmars. waaaaahh!! someone made me an addict.

"you do your best to show me love but you don't know what love is"

toddles :-)

at the end of the day.

you know what's great about school? If you're like me who is frustrated in making the grade, you'll love school because at the end of the day there is always something to talk about in your blog.
so. i screwed physics. i'm scared because i don't know if it was easy or i was too dumb not to answer it all correctly. i got my answers all wrong. physics is something that no matter how hard you study you still end up thinking. you don't memorize in physics. YOU DO THINK and ANALIZE things. but hopefully i could use that analization skills when i get to college. all i need is positivity. could someone give me that. oh well, it's nine pm and i still have tests tomorrow. i should be really running right now.
oh, by the way, i had the worst eyebags ever. i swear. i have been scared the moment i had looked in the mirror.
hmp.
there's no way screwing math. i'm good at math. and it's not something that just disappear as you enter senior high. i know that "goodness" is still within me. all i have to do is search for it inside of me. i miss my first year days when i don't have to study and yet i get a high high high grade. wait. i never had an uber high grade in math. i forgot. well, i'm gonna miss these days. i wish.

"to love and win is the best thing. to love and lose, the next best"

toodles.

again and again.

when can i finally push myself to the limit? i had this another plan which predictably failed. oh no! i'm gonna nail this one. i swear. let's see if i still get 8's in here or 7s for that matter. i am really going to be... MISERABLE?

so i still need to finish this filipino thing and i still have assignment in ES. refer to my friendster blog about the ES crap.

that's all. i just love my new layout. even though i did not make it. who cares though? it's the thought that counts.

that's my motto from now on.

"there are two tragedies in life. One is to lose you heart's desire and the other is to gain it." -Shaw

it's us.

grades will always be a part of us. it's us, we are grade conscious people.. and it will always be us..

tama ba spelling ng conscious (?). forgive me. i'm blank right now and... i'm dumb.

toodles :p

my friend has tagged me.

How often do you blog?
* kapag may time magblog at pag wala ang kuya at pag may internet card!.
Online Alias:
*ayeen.just ayeen
Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
*the truth? no.
What do you do most often when you are bored?
*dvd baby!! or just sleeping or minding my lame life. :-)
When bathing, which do you wash first?
*feet.
Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
*yes. i think!! haha...
What color looks best on you?
*it's not that i'm bragging, but i look good in any color. haha!! yabang!
.Whats your favorite alcoholic drink?
* i don't drink.
!Do you believe in heaven and hell as a real place that each of us will go to after death?
* purgatorio. i believe.
Do you find that you have more online friends than offline friends?
* no. more offline than online.
What was your favorite subject in school?
*none.
Are you a perfectionist?
*i wish i am.
Do you spend more than you can afford?
* no. i'm being real, and if i can't afford, i don't push myself on buying.
Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before?
*i don't know. it depends on what's important in your life. if your not pro-love, i think it would be better not to have loved at all. ( do what i say suck?)
Do you consider yourself creative?
*no.
Do you give yourself the credit you deserve?
*yes. minsan haha!
Do you donate time or money to charities?
*now? no. but someday, i will.
Have you recently done something to yourself that youve criticized others for doing?
*haha!! yes. and the feeling sucks!
Whats on your mind right now?
*my school life. my home life. my friendship. basically... my LIFE.

i'm tagging no one. i'm idle.. :-)

OTHERS...

i totally miss someone. i have not seen him for months. and i'm totally going insane with all the things that run in my mind. the other day i almost cried myseld to sleep and i've done nothing significant for the past few weeks.
i'm having problems with myself and i've got no one to tell about the things i feel. it's like everyone would be against me. i asked my friends on how to have counseling with the guidance counselor and they just laughed it off.
we went to town yesterday and we went on "stalking" walking. we hid and let our friends walk by themselves and we wanted them to know that we were not in there group or we're missing or anything. but surprise! no one noticed that we were'nt there except for angelica. i so love you for that.
and there's this pain. pain i can't describe. hey! i really can't breathe around you guys..

I"M FALLING. ow, let me change that. I"M FAILING....

let's see why my life just gets better everyday.
: i have no future. college future.
: i now consider myself dumb.
: i have let TWO great opportunities past my life.
: the pain and the scenes just kept on flashing in my mind.. even in my dreams.
: i got all line of 8 in my qes.
: gosh, my life really does suck.

am i really like that of i'm just hard on myself?
you know what i don't understand??
i study while others don't and.. others get HIGHER grades than you. oh well, grades isn't everything right??
yeah tell that to my atmosphere..

sorry for being like this, blog readers..
it's just that.
LIFE has always been UNFAIR.
oh i forgot..
LIFE IS UNFAIR.